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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Struggling today - a little whiney
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the past few weeks have been ... different. I left (x)SO twisting in the wind for a week before I finally responded to him. I told him I wanted to talk. He responded with "how do I show you I am sorry and how wrong I was, I know words are useless." Nice touch that "show" huh.

And honestly, I'm not sure. Thanks to the reasons that brought me to SI, you can show me until the cows come home and I'm still going to think tomorrow it's going to be different. In fact you don't have to do anything wrong and I'm still catastrophizing.

We haven't talked yet. Just casual messages to touch base. I really need to call him today and hash this out.

I've been chatting with multiple friends and so of course, my head is full of advice. Some advise work it out. Some advise break up. Some say, ask for a break. My head is so cluttered that I don't know what to do.

This isn't my focus. I have a work thing that's dominating so I don't mean to imply that I've been sitting around stewing about this. In fact, in contrast to my normal MO, I've been calm and dare I say it rather positive and happy. I gots shit going on lol.

But I have to deal with this today and I'm frightened. I'm having to face that I don't know how to make a decision. I just don't.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is there to deal with? We women always want closure, but in this case.... I think you need to walk while he is the john woo movie that implodes.

He can't change his stripes. I see this as an abuse thing where he suckers you back in, but the abuse is worse next time.

((Cayc)). Let us know what happens.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice, just letting you know you are heard and have a soul sister out here struggling right along with you.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah ... I don't want closure. I want to break up. Except I don't. Unless you tell me I should, then I do. Unless you tell me I shouldn't and then I don't. Sigh.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength to make the best decision for you cayc.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cayc))))

Honey - my advice to you is to go back and reread your posts about the incident. Not any of the other responses - just your posts. I think you'll find your answers in your own words.

Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25735 | Registered: Aug 2011
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cayc,

I have always told my girlfriends, and now me;

You can't find the Mr. Right if you are with Mr. Wrong.

And of course if it is hard in the beginning, think how hard it will be when the shine has worn off.

If it were me I would be heading for the hills, not looking back.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you ,sister. I can't tell you what to do.

But I think that you shouldn't sell yourself short- whichever path you choose.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to break up. Except I don't. Unless you tell me I should, then I do. Unless you tell me I shouldn't and then I don't. Sigh

CC, don't go back for round #umpeenth of 'abuse' from this guy.

He can go to about 2 months of 'anger management' therapy then show you the certificate and tell you exactly *why* he was a douche in all of those previous instances and, just then, *maybe* you'll consider giving him the time of day again. This guy crossed WAY over the line with you. He 'touched the butt' (as is said in *Nemo-land*). Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And by the way....."what are your plans for repayment of that money I gave you, dude?"


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote for break up based on what I've read. It'll hurt more in the short term but less in the long term.

But that's "just, like, my opinion, man.." You know more about your situation than I do.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 842 | Registered: Nov 2012
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Cayc,

Have you had the chance to sit on it. to think and feel what it is to be resolved.

I would sit in a quiet place, think about it and feel it in my heart and body and follow the feelings then feel them again, let them change and feel them again. Let the stories, past experiences, memories, thoughts, aside. Just feel them tehn and there. it will tell you what you should or shouldnt do.

to much information from the outside clotter our senses, someone else's stories are different than our life because of believes, religion etc, you get it?

I dont say "you need a closure or break up, unless you do or dont."

What I am saying is that allow your insight to decide what to do based on your whole being.
at this point, you are conditioned to do something, but I am not sure if the internal struggle is cause by you or the outside influence.
PLEASE, sit for as long as you need and let your being advice you on the next step and then and only then you will be able to be certain that you did what you did with your soul and flesh together.

whatever you do, have compassion and love for you and your xSO always. Use kind, non offensive or blaming words. Remember we all have something to suffer about, all the time. You might not see it but it is there. his behavior is not to hurt you, but it is because he is broken inside. please undertand that.

You may have wisdom to choose your path.

you may have love and compassion for yourself always.

my two cents


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found myself repeatedly going back into an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for about 3 years.

Part of my issue was I liked the "nice" parts of the relationship. And I'm very self-aware and try to see what *I'm* doing wrong when things go awry. And when we would break up he was the nicest guy ever. Even started therapy at one point.

I let him convince and guilt trip me into trying and trying and trying. And when I finally had enough, well, I've never felt better.

Sometimes you need to just get to that point and maybe you're not there yet. But given what you've told us, it sounds like it is only a matter of time.

Will you be mad that you invested that time?


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 872 | Registered: Feb 2006
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just ((Hugs)) cayc. You've gotten some good advice and I'm thinking of you today.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I did it. It was a heart wrenching conversation. He was awesome about it too in so far as he accepted what I was saying. And didn't try to pressure or manipulate me into changing my mind. He told me he was ashamed. And some other things.

It was such a nice conversation that of course it reinforced why I care for him so deeply. But I told him that if we didn't take some time apart, if he didn't do what he needed to do to be able to calm himself down mentally and not feel like his back was up against the wall, then we'd both fall right back into lovey dovey talk until it happened again.

In truth, I suspect we aren't done for good. But we're definitely done for right now. A special person in my life helped me to see that. That now and the future are different. And you can lessen the fear of the future by allowing yourself set another person free to do what they need to do.

I don't feel good right now. I feel resigned. As in it had to be done. Life has been surprising me a hell of a lot the last few years. I suppose I better get it in gear to be surprised again soon.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cyac))) I rarely post because I don't feel wise enough to offer advice but I did want to offer an internet hug and some support. I'm sure it was hard but sounds like you did the right thing for you. Good luck!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bleach. This feels like crap.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cayc))


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((cayc)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25735 | Registered: Aug 2011
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear this doesn't feel right. It just doesn't. After all, why would he do anything to fix anything if I can just leave him? It's not much incentive.

I'm all confused in my head at the moment. Obviously lol.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey - why would he do anything to fix anything if you just stay?

((((cayc))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25735 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 26
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