[This message edited by ruby44 at 4:50 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
I am so sorry. At this point, you need to focus and protect yourself. WH is sending a clear message that he is not going to R and is looking to move on. Retain your own lawyer, a specialist in family law who will help you deal with the legal side of this. Start gathering information for your lawyer~photocopy all house documentation (mortgage payout statements, purchase agreement), all bank account statements (sole and joint), all savings and investment statements, credit card statements, pay stubs, income tax returns, insurance policies (home, vehicle and life), vehicle ownership statements and any other information relating to assets and liabilities. Make sure that you have enough money for a legal retainer and to take care of yourself for at least a few months~remove money from the joint account and move it into your own account.
You need to send a message to your WH, namely you will no longer tolerate this behaviour. He is completely wrong in telling you what you should be doing to "win" him back. He does not get to dictate to you about what your future will look like. You gave him a chance to come clean and to work on your marriage and he has thrown this opportunity away.
Read about the 180. It is located in The Healing Library in the left top corner of the page. Keep posting.
Find your anger, have faith in your strength and put your bitch boots on and kick his ass to the curb.
Your first stop is the bank -- where you will pull out 1/2 the money in your joint accounts. This guy seems as if he is the type that will cut your access to funds. If he has already been there and taken *his* chunk -- sweep the rest into a different account that he doesn't have access to. And if you do not have online access for your bank accounts (or cannot access it) -- request the last 12 months worth of bank statements from them while you are there.
Find an attorney. Call whoever does your taxes and request copies of the last 3 years returns.
Since you can't do either of those things until Monday.....go online and look at the Illinois divorce law. Just to gain a bit of knowledge......because seriously. Nobody died and made his condescending, pompous ass the "King of Dissolution" -- he doesn't just get to tell you *how* it's gonna go. (interestingly, Illinois seems to be one of the rare states that allows for the filing of a 'fault' divorce. Hmmmmmm).
I'm really sorry that he is treating you this way. NC NC NC NC NC NC with this guy. Zip.It.
You rolled over, showed him your belly -- and he ripped your throat out. Don't do that anymore. Also -- play your cards very close to your chest when it comes to any *divorce* talk -- even if he's acting nice and seems to be being reasonable. Don't fall for it. Do not tell him one single thing that's in your head -- he'll only use it against you at the first opportunity.
You'll survive this.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
^^^ He has money hidden. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. The next 18 months are going to suck, but think of it as a big treasure hunt.
This man doesn't have your back. If you show him your back, or your belly, he will just stick a knive into it. It's not fair, it's not right, and it sucks big time.
But this is the hand that you have been dealt. You need to quit thinking about this man as your husband, and start thinking of him as the person who will kill your heart and soul if you let him. He is the enemy right now.
Please read up on the divorce laws in your state. Call anyone that you know that has divorced and ask them for recommendations for the nastiest divorce lawyer out there. Get your own bank account and get it funded ASAP. You have RIGHTS. He doesn't get to call the shots for YOUR money in YOUR marriage.
This is war. It's not fair and it won't be fair. But you need to protect yourself or you will lose not only your marriage (which he has thrown away), but everything that you have worked so hard to amass and to save. You have to be your own hero. And you know something? You can be.
(((hugs))) Please come back often to vent, cry, or ask advice. Honestly, I would go down to the Separation and Divorce forum, post your situation, and ask for help. You will find that your circumstances are not, unfortunately, uncommon. They can help you with some very practicle advice.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
If it were me, I'd charge whatever I could to the credit cards - maybe a lot of gift cards at the grocery store or something to tide you over. Put the lawyer's retainer fee on it too, if you can.
ETA: I agree he has money hidden and will pressure you to settle quickly before you can trace it.
[This message edited by Lyonesse at 8:51 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
1. If you want to, call as many lawyers as you can. Once you 'consult' with them (which is often, but not always free) they can not talk to CWH.
2. Yes, you can file for a divorce on 'grounds', but all it does is speed up the process. Illinois requires couples getting a 'no fault' divorce to be separated for two years before the divorce is final, unless you both agree to waive the waiting period, but you still have to live apart for six months. A 'fault' divorce does not require a waiting period, but you do have to be able to prove it if he contests the D.
3. Grounds in Illinois are: Mental Cruelty, Adultery, Physical Cruelty, Drug Addiction or Drunkeness, Infection of an STD, and Conviction of a Felony.
4. Adultery is a Class A Misdemeanor in the state of Illinois. You can also sue the AP. But be aware that the other BS can also sue your WS.
5. Illinois is an Equitable Distribution state, so they will not take into consideration who's 'fault' it is for the settlement.
6. Jurisdiction is based on county of residence. Most counties require a 'Financial Disclosure' form from each party.
Sounds like your spouse would like to D quickly. Well tough cookies!! In this case you have the power. If you do not file for 'grounds', he will have to file a 'no fault' D, which will take at least two years, unless you agree to a waiver. Definitely find out what your rights are. Sounds like you're going to have a tough road ahead. Good Luck.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I am strongly telling you to let him walk away. And then go very very quiet and NC on him. Nothing. NO communication. If he wants out so badly give it to him. But he does not get you too.
And get proactiv about the bills and finances. Become your own advicate, it is important that you do these things even if you don't feel like it or want to.
And get a good IC for yourself to help you thru this time. Very important.
Read up on the 180 and implement it. NC from now on and he can talk to your lawyer.
Visit all the sharks lawyers in your town so he cannot use them.
He is showing you what he is. A bully and a truly mean, cruel person. Believe him and take control of you and the kids future because right now he wants to destroy it and hurt you all.
Right now, it is all about him, you all are in the way, and he will do what he needs to so he gets his way.
I can't stress this enough.
Stop telling him you want to reconcile - the man is beyond hearing any of that. All he wants you to do is give him everything financially and go disappear somewhere.
Fight for what's yours. Stop talking to him and stop thinking he's going to suddenly become human with compassion - he sounds like a complete and total heartless bastard.
Go for the kill, Ruby. If you don't, he's going to steamroll you!!
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
Sending you strength and resilence.