BTW, did you ask him where were his high moral values were when he decided to cheat, hmm?
Frankly, methinks he is making excuses to justify broken NC in the future. This is one of those "da fuq?" things that someone who cheated may say. Seriously, don't let him bulldoze you with dumbassery.
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:19 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Is there another human being out there that thinks like that? Screwing someone means a lifelong responsibility towards them, even greater than the responsibility towards your wife and children?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Edit to add, the only thing screwing someone leads to a life long responsibility is if a child is involved. Even then, some would argue that the responsibility lies to the child.
[This message edited by mixedintherut at 11:16 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
The worst for me was after he finally broke it off after 2 weeks of telling me and the MC he wasn't sure what he wanted, if he wanted to stay married, pursue a relationship with this tramp who knew he was married and had kids, or be alone...I then caught him texting her from behind closed doors because he was worried about her.
Are you kidding me? Worried about her? What a bastard and an idiot. Had the nerve to tell me that and he didn't realize how screwed up that was.
They really don't know what the hell they are doing. What sucks is we have to deal with their nonsense and our devastation while their heads are in the sand.
"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"
Feels bad he may have hurt her? tough sh$!.
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how he feels bad that she is hurting. Thankfully, he hasn't said that since early early on.
I know this may not answer your question- an I apologize if its a ramble- but I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel.
Wishing you peace.
So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
When he wouldn't respond to her anymore, she proceeded to go crazy. She eventually had him fired from his job and filed a complaint with his professional licensing agency to have him sanctioned. Luckily, there was no basis to the claim, but it took months of stress and thousands of dollars to clear up.
I still look back on it and wonder why he felt sorry for her for even a minute. She certainly had no fond feelings for him, even though she claimed to love him. She just wanted to control him. Because she saw those KISA tendencies and understood how to manipulate them. She was using him from the very beginning and he was too stupid to see it. Because he is such a nice guy. . . . he thinks everybody else is nice too.
The whole thing is so unbelievable and the many stories that you read here are equally unbelievable, but sadly true. There is a lot of messed up thinking out there. I am sorry that you are having to deal with it, naivewife.
P.S. I love your user name. I felt like a naive wife, too.
he feels a responsibility toward her,
That right there is him breaking mental NC. Does he seriously think you should just accept this? I think it's a complete cop out. He needs to work on his boundaries and start breaking the link he still feels towards the OW. Feeling 'responsible' for her is just him keeping his connection alive with her - no matter what he says to justify it. It's a feeling (he says that himself) and what he should be doing is be actively working on erasing any 'feelings' he still has for her - not trying to make excuses for them.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:04 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
His moral obligation is obviously to set things right in his marriage and create a hedge of protection around his relationship wherein his wife is safe. His moral obligation is to accept the guilt that his actions crushed his wife and work to repair it.
Now. He can man up and prioritize the marriage, or he can continue to be a selfish and seek his own gratification. His statement unfortunately is leaning toward the latter.
It is a no brainer that his involvement in the A did the OW no favors (not that she is innocent), but she is likely more damaged now than before - and will be even more damaged should he contact her ever again. If he intends to save his M - any contact with her is just dragging out her pain. But you see - KISA tendencies aren't really about rescuing the damsel - they are about "seeing" yourself as a hero - purely SELFISH.
Regardless of the words used - what his statement tells you is that he has not slammed that door shut, let alone locked it and thrown away the key. He has not prioritized the M, or your feelings, above and beyond all others and thus the M is not (yet) a safe place for you. And in his head, he is still justifying the A, and seeing her as an innocent party and likely as a plan B.
That's my read on this. ((naivewife)) I hope he "gets it" soon.
[This message edited by Take2 at 12:09 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Does OW owe your H something too? Are we all indebted to everyone we had sex with for the rest of our lives? NO, NO, NO
Your H has his head in a tight spot, and I don't mean the back of a volkswagon. He needs to wake up and realize that his obligations are to YOU. You and your children. His family is all that should matter. That is who he needs to worry about.
It was just his way of telling me that he was still in love with her. And a way for him to justify to himself his continued contact with her, even though he had sworn to me that he would be monogamous.
In retrospect, it should have been a red flag that he was cake-eating. He wanted us both, and wasn't man enough to be honest about it with either of us. So he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he felt responsible towards her.
He used crazy making as a way to manipulate me and her. Despite his words to the contrary, he didn't love either of us, as he isn't capable of mature love.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
When I left X I tried to keep it dignified, communication open (even though it was all blame shift and gas lighting). I was meticulous at being fair during our break up. I didn't want to be a bad memory (associated with me believing I was his first sexual partner). I made life easy for him due to this sense of obligation. The only thing he had to purchase after our split was cutlery and plates. He kept everything else. It cost me at least $5K to refit out a home for myself. It was important to me then that I end the 'relationship' with good memories.
Fast forward to me realising that he has lied to me the entire relationship, I no longer believe I was his 'first'. He used this as a means of control. I regret everyday not going nuclear on him as he deserved. The only thing that held me back was a misplaced sense of obligation. That misplaced obligation has cost me a lot in both $ and sanity.
Long story short I understand feeling responsible for someone but that doesn't excuse shitty behaviour.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
I realize he is likely very confused but that doesn't mean you have to take it.
Like Dark Inertia said, I've had several partners in my time....and I don't feel like I owe them anything nor them me.
He's weirdly elevating the OW to a sacred platform that is yours alone. I understand what you are meaning by 'his morals' causing this too...generally speaking, he holds his wife in a place of honor..or at least, that was/is his goal (nvm that whole 'cheating' thing there >.<) and now that he's spread his 'sacred act' to someone else, he thinks he owes her a platform of honor.
No, he does not!
All that grand morality should have been focused on you and the VOWS he made to YOU.
he owes ow nothing except crickets.
If he does ANYTHING different, then he is still cheating....unless you are down for a polygamous relationship but somehow, I don't think that's what you signed up for nor want now. Correct me if I'm wrong.
[This message edited by BeautifulEmpty at 5:19 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
the thought of ever speaking to her sickens him, but he's afraid his KISA tendency would kick in.
I agree with the others. He's snowing you big time.
(((naivewife))) So sorry.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 5:27 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]