I've had some revelations/realizations recently. And WH slipped and lied to me. Not a lie of omission- a deliberate lie. Lying is on the boundary list we agreed on a year ago.
I've believed for some time that WH is a pathological liar. No proof or diagnosis, just my thought after living with someone who lies about stupid things as well as important things and destroys us in the process-time and time again. Oh, he always makes promises to never do it again. Then I catch him.
So revelation one is that WH will always lie to me.
At this point I realize I can't ever have a true relationship with him as it would be dangerous to me. He says he's working on lying and that he's better. He's working on it in therapy, this is true. If you can't trust someone, you can't believe in the relationship and look towards a future, right? There can't be respect either.
When we have talks, WH says I am not looking at the positive- that everything is a negative. He says I live in a "black and white world". I say I live in the world of morality.
I've had a couple of days of "downtime" due to an injury, and haven't been able to get out and switch gears and distract my depressed thinking.
So here goes:
WH would love me to look toward the future and less at the past. I've thought a lot about the difference between how a Wayward is encouraged to move on and improve their deficiencies and learn skills to become a "safe person" for their Betrayed. It seems as though they look into the 'whys' of their cheating and yet put emphasis on improvement of the current and future self (id) -becoming the spouse their Betrayed deserves, if you will. Actually I'd love to know the "why?" of how he threw everything away so easily.
Meanwhile, as a Betrayed, I am processing the lies, facts, semi truths (depending on what the Betrayed is given) of the past first. So, while WH is working on future behavior improvement, and some present, I am working on processing what the facts of my past are, and some of the present. The future, for me, is not of consequence yet since I haven't even decided if it will include WH. Plus, I can't even see the future due to dealing with the crap I have on my plate, served up by WH.
It seems like these two very different techniques only overlap a bit in the present dealings of the BS and the WS. Unfortunately, that's where the pain lives. The doubts, the fear, the blows to self esteem. Not just for the BS, but for the WS as well. Not all WS have these, but I think the remorseful ones who are doing the work feel them.
This is rambling, but I wanted to ask if anyone else was feeling this way? That the difference in how Waywards and Betrayeds process may also cause each to point to the other and say, "You aren't dealing with what has been done to me adequately and want me to forget and just move on!" versus, "You aren't noticing that I'm improving myself, and becoming a safe person for you and you only want to rehash the past and blame me!"
Too much time on the couch maybe.
Which may explain why so many BSs on SI don't feel their WS make sufficient efforts to repair all the damage that has been done. The WS is trying to look forward and forget the past.
If only it were that easy for the BS. Experience has taught me that the BS who moves forward without adequate reparations from their WS does so at their own peril. The WS that doesn't demonstrate by word or deed that they really understand the magnitude of the hurt they've caused isn't worthy of R, plain and simple.
I don't think one can change without understanding the past.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
It sounds like your H is being helpful in your healing. I believe that makes the difference.
hope someone here can give some advice as I am tired of walking what seems like alone....
Will I ever be able to move forward without 100% support from WS.....
"HE DID NOT SEE WHAT HE HAD IN ME, WHAT I SAW IN HIM I DID NOT HAVE!!!!"
I'm so trying to do that, but I still struggle with trying to figure out if he's really "owned up" to what he did, why he did it, how it devastates me, etc. Still wondering if he thinks it was my fault for not loving him enough. And yet these days the shoe is on the other foot. I lie awake less and less crying about the affair and more more crying about not feeling loved by him. I know he loves me, but the "honeymoon" period we went through upon him finally coming out of the fog, where he was crazy romantic and head over heels in love with me . . . is gone.
Well, at least he's willing to try counseling again with a new counselor.
But yeah, I think what you are describing is pretty typical. The BS can't move forward until he/she has processed and dealt with the past, and the WS, while they NEED to process and heal from the past, just wants to run away from it and move forward.