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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: During sex ...
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It taking place more and more lately, while h and I are having sex, while he is enjoying himself, I lay there thinking about him and his sluts. It completely ruins the moment for me. He is not aware of my thoughts, it is absolutely horrible, and I want them to stop.

Infidelity not only rob us of our relationship, trust it gives us a daily, hourly ... Pure hell torment.

Will these thoughts last forever, does one ever get past this. Is it only a phase.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Bamzor
♂ New Member
Member # 40837
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a fallout that many of us have, but don't talk about. To me they became less frequent or go better on not dwelling on them long. Yes, I still see my wife having sex with another man...not it good way. The effort your spouse is putting into the recovery, has a strong correlation to how frequently they occur and how hard they hit you.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're going through this. ((livebythesea)). This happens to me too. Not the whole time, though. Usually I get hit with it right in the middle, but I just try to concentrate on really feeling him, really appreciating his touches and his kisses and concentrate on how good it feels (I know, it's hard, sometimes when I think this, I just think about how she probably liked it too, or how much he was liking it with her). I tell myself that he loves me, that he wouldn't be here struggling through this shitstorm with me if he didn't, and that's what really matters.

I don't know if this lasts forever-I sure as hell hope not! I would imagine it is just a phase and we will get through it, hang in there.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will these thoughts last forever, does one ever get past this. Is it only a phase.

The mind movies were the last major obstacle I faced during R. I thought they would never go away. It took about a year, but I finally got past it.

When they hit, try not to make to big a deal about it. Let your H know you are struggling with this. When I had the mind movies during sex, I would switch my focus to pleasuring my wife (because they would totally kill my arousal).

So sorry you are struggling with this.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will these thoughts last forever

Not sure as I'm not at the "forever" point yet, but I can tell you that it gets better.

WH made a big point after DDay about the fact that we were "making love" not just "having sex". That helped alot.

Hang in there.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 4:46 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

livebythesea -

Please remember to follow the Recon guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.


Posts: 36054 | Registered: Mar 2011
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel you livebythesea. I am dealing with this right now too. It usually hits me right when we are starting though. I have to stop him because I have anxiety attacks and can't breathe. He handles them well. Reassures me, tells me we are making love, it was just horrible awkward sex with her, etc. but they are horrible. Someone told me to imagine a big red stop sign when the movies begin, but that isn't working for me. I start IC next week so I'm hoping I can get some ideas on how to make them stop.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just about to post on this myself! For me it is a bit during as well( I even imagine them and get "turned on" in a very weird way....I can only express this strange thing on this forum... how awful is that!!!! Hate myself for thinking and then getting THAT kind of body response!)

Mostly for me it hits me the day after and instead of feeling close and wonderful I feel anxious, even angry and upset...I can't talk to him about it because that would make sex hard for him next time...he would worry (I think) and then not be able to actually have the act as well...the fallout from the affair is really bad.

I am also searching for suggestion for how to handle this...besides time that is...


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 306 | Registered: Sep 2013
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

morethantrying:

I also got that weird body response thinking of it early on, followed by put repulsion and despair following having sex. I never expressed it to anyone, not even here. I thought I was so strange and weird to have those thoughts.

Being 3+ years out now, I no longer have those thoughts at all, and its only rarely that him having sex with her creeps into my mind. It is more of an acceptance versus an actual emotional response now, and I am able to easily dismiss it.

One thing I learned early on here, is to imagine a stop sign and just have it flash in front of your brain over and over again when those thoughts creep in. Oddly, that helped.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myheart...can't say how glad I am that I am not alone in my "weird" thoughts...yes I feel disgusted withmyself afterwards...but this of course is NOT the way, sex, making love should be so I know I have to make an effort...I will do stop sign ...but always the next day after sex I am triggered...

I actually get TRIGGERED by sex and then feel bad the next day...rather than feeling more close and wonderful....sex is good for bonding but bad for triggers....it should only be loving but that is not all it is right now...

Any other suggestions?


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 306 | Registered: Sep 2013
Patchy
♀ Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend of mine who is like 10 or so years past Dday says she rarely gets the mind movies any more. Maybe once a year.

I don't remember how long she said it took to get to that point. I'm sure it's different for everyone and gets a little better and better with time.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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