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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In a weird place now
chick
♀ Member
Member # 41073
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like things are kind of normal-ish but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I am probably not even going to make any sense and I don't know what advice I am looking for but I just feel a bit weird with our current situation.

We live overseas and we have just had my parents to stay for a week so we have all been spending a lot of time together and therefore we have been forced to act normally. I do feel kind of OK about it in the sense that we had been getting closer again before then anyway but I suppose I feel now like I don't know what our next step is.

It has been a month and we now regularly hold hands, occasionally kiss and hug (although these have been initiated by him since I kissed him the first time) and have had sex twice. We chat and share a joke together but I still can't be completely myself around, we often used to act a bit stupid but if I forget for a minute and do act silly then I feel like an idiot as if I am letting things get too normal.

So I suppose what I am struggling with now is that things are kind of normal but I still feel like there is this elephant in the room that I don't know how to get rid of. I'm not unhappy with the level of intimacy we are getting back to so I don't feel like I need to put the brakes on, I just don't know what to do to resolve things even more.

I know it has only been a month and I really shouldn't expect it to be like nothing has ever happened - but is time all we need or is there some more work we can be doing?

We have had 1 session of MC and our next is on Wednesday. We have put regular date nights in the diary so that we are making time for each other. I don't feel like I need to ask any more questions. So I just don't know how to resolve these feelings.

I know the answers are just going to be that I need to give it more time and shouldn't rush things, I just feel in a strange limbo at the moment and it helps to write it down so thanks for listening.


Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, time is needed, but so is much much more. He needs to be completely honest about what he's done, the A, his thought process, all of it. He needs to be transparent, providing all passwords, email addresses, etc.

Keep going to MC. That will help.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
chick
♀ Member
Member # 41073
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, time is needed, but so is much much more. He needs to be completely honest about what he's done, the A, his thought process, all of it. He needs to be transparent, providing all passwords, email addresses, etc.
Keep going to MC. That will help.

Thanks painfulpast - luckily he is fully remorseful and has been completely transparent about what happened that night and is happy for me to check his email accounts, phone etc. whenever I want.

So everything is going as it should in terms of a successful reconciliation - which is what I want. I just feel vulnerable I guess which is why I don't feel that I can fully let my guard down in terms of being myself around him.

I just feel like we should talk more to keep improving but I don't know what more to talk about, since D Day he has done everything right, said everything right, has answered all of my questions and is understanding of however I am feeling at any given time. So I don't feel like there is any more we can work out as such, hopefully I can just in time feel better and we will get back to us again. It has only been a month but feels like forever, I guess I worry that it won't ever be the same and neither of us will be happy with the new us.


Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Chick, our situations are very similar in detail and timing, EXCEPT for the fact that he has said he is not happy with me looking at his phone, email etc. This drives me nuts. On one hand I know I have to accept the unknown on the other I want to KNOW.

I feel I am being unfair asking him stuff all the time. I do check his email, but he keeps his phone with him all the time.

What tends to calm me down and help me get away from negative thoughts is a few reassuring sentences from him.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 449 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel I am being unfair asking him stuff all the time. I do check his email, but he keeps his phone with him all the time.

This would be a complete deal breaker for me. My H did so much on his phone. Texts, calls, etc. I wouldn't stand for not being able to see his phone if I wanted. The bill is in my name, so I can see the numbers he calls and texts. If I question a number he shows me the texts. If it was a call, he calls the number in front of me and makes up some dumb excuse to call, just so I can know who's number it is.

He cheated. He needs to earn trust again. If he won't do that, how will you trust him. And a few words from him calm you down? Really? He cheated and lied. How does he help you feel safe when he's hiding his phone?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel safe. But I feel that if I have decided to stay with him I need to heal the relationship.

If I decide not to stay with him, it means I can't get past what happened. And I want to.

I don't think I am being blind, when I feel bad (which is a lot lately) I tell him and he reassures me. What else can I do?

I don't think its realistic or healthy to know everything about each other. I have to trust that he is sorry and wants to be with me. Its just the phase I am in is WANTING to know everything and that's not going to happen


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 449 | Registered: Nov 2013
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KatieG, This is just my opinion but it is an absolute requirement for him to show you his phone. It's not the same as when you began to date him where trust was built on assumptions of honesty. He has already proven himself to be dishonest, So now he has to prove himself to be honest. He needs to supply you with actual proof of his honesty and integrity and an unwillingness to share his phone is a HUGE red flag. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Hugs to all who find themselves here.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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