This will probably seem odd to many of you who have had honest spouses by I feel my world has fallen apart.
WH tried to hide his affair for months only revealing things bit by bit as he had to. He didn't tell me they had kissed until I got my 2nd round of oral thrush and he didn't admit to sex until 2 months later. On father's day. Just a month after my dad died. He didn't even think about that just decided he couldn't lie anymore. Didn't think of me and the day at all. He didn't come right out with it he told me he didn't love me and walked out only to return 5 mins later to say he did love me but had something to tell me...
He has been all over with the emotional side of the story. He has never wavered in the fact of what they did but the question of if he wanted her was always a no. HE did admit it a few weeks back but then retracted it saying it was cos I wouldn't believe what he was telling me and he really didn't want anything physical he just felt trapped by the ea and felt he had to keep her happy so she wouldn't tell me.
So last night, after posting here and getting a resounding 'he's lying' I confronted him. Told him how I thought things had panned out. He agreed and added a few things of his own.
He is very pedantic about certain words. Wanting - he claims he was willing to do what she wanted but he didn't really 'want' her. He says wanting is wanting to be with someone full time. Anyone else smell manipulative bs?
He said he didn't fancy her, yet it turns out she was 'good enough' yet he says he couldn't believe someone like her, a 29yr old busty ex barmaid, could want him. Sounds like he fancied her to me. He also told me she was 'not exactly ugy'. In his evil mode when I was suspicious he told me 'I could say you're sexy, gorgeous and I love you but you're not and I don't'. You don't say that unless you mean it. He says he was trying to push me away so he didn't have to face what he had done.
He said he didn't love her and it was all about the attention. So why would he turn things physical and make it clear he would do whatever she wanted?
Truth is I don't think I can live with the real story. And I am still not sure his reluctance in the car is true.
For me it boils down to
1)he wanted another woman
2) he went after her
3) he hid their relationship and lied to me.
4) he showed me no love or respect in his actions
5) he has lied to me every day since he met her.
6) he wanted another woman! What more is there to say.
I feel like the beautiful moments in the past few months have been lies cos they were based on a lie. I thought he meant it when he said he got swept along by the attention but never really wanted her. It was all lies.
Apart from the lies, which he claims aren't lies but confusion cos he can't remember what he felt, he has become the model husband. Even selling his bike to pay for IC. He has been working hard around the house and I have access to everything. He couldn't have tried harder apart from being honest.
I know why he held it back , out of fear I would leave him. Sadly I think he is right. I can't love a man who did this to me. He said it was the worst thing he has ever done and he hates himself for it.
Problem is I think I hate him now. I just want to hurt him back. he was my world and he chose to destroy my life.
He says he kissed her cos he wanted to and to find out how willing she was prepared to go and to make it clear he was up for an affair.
He still insists that when they had sex he didn't want it once they started. It felt wrong to him but he didn't know how to stop it. He has admitted he wanted to touch her until he did and that he knew full well when she drove to a dark car park that she was going to do something and he wanted to see what it would be.