So she knows, and thus can tell you, what she was thinking. Even if she doesn't think that way anymore.
Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
[This message edited by trojan007 at 6:21 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
so im I crazy to sometimes believe that she truly wants to R..
Nope, not at all. We've all of us done stupid and hurtful things that we wish we could take back, or fix. Generally that hurt isn't on the level of infidelity, but we've all done it.
It is quite possible that she truly wants to R and simply doesn't have good relationship habits built yet so she keeps unintentionally hurting you. It's also possible that she's on the fence about R, but you're comfortable. Or that she truly wants R, but as a couple you're toxic for each other. Or that she doesn't care at all and is lying for her own selfish reasons. I think SI members could give you anecdotes about all three situations.
But none of us are in your exact spot right now, so all we can do is tell you about our own experiences and try to help you as best we can based on those.
I know im the only one who can decide what too do. But im I right in assuming most of you would be out the door already knowing what she did?
My wife carried on an affair with one of my best friends. A man who's often been described as "sharing a brain" with me since we aligned on so many hobbies, attitudes, even senses of humor. He was, for all practical purposes, closer to me than my biological brother. My wife lied to me, she hurt me, she (though she didn't realize it) threatened to take away my kids and home.
But I'm still with her. We're working hard on reconciliation. In the end I decided that I loved her enough to risk the pain of a potential failed R. And it's working alright, three months out. It's not perfect, and I'll be adding the affair to my catalog of mental scars, but so far the risk has been worth it.
I ask myself everyday if I will ever be able to get over what she did to me when I was in the hospital and everyday I come up with a different answer. I just don't know anymore..
To me, her behavior while you were in the hospital is the most hurtful action she took. Have you and she discussed why she did that, why she ignored your calls? Maybe as important, is it something she feels willing to explore with her IC, if not with you just yet?
Like I explain to my wife, sometimes life is like a trip to the Holiday Inn. When you check in, the room is ready. It's clean and fresh and nice. You can just come in and relax. Other times, often, you walk into a situation that needs work, sometimes lots of it. That's a marriage. It's not always comfortable and pleasant. Sometimes you've got to push through. Our spouses lacked the courage to do that.
Some therapists will say, erroneously, that the problem was with the marriage, or communication or whatever.
The problem was/is the WS wanting to find a short cut or an easy way out. If the problem was the marriage, both spouses would have cheated. In the case of mad-hatters, I'd say its a case of two people running instead of fighting.
I feel this is why many reconciliations take so long or don't happen. WS need to acquire the courage to plant their feet and, after infidelity, we BS need to do the same. The difference for us BS is that the WS has to show they are worth the effort. If my wife wasn't doing the hard work, and I at time have made it harder than it needed to be, I would be gone like a fart in tornado.
But the hospital situation...not sure how I'd deal with that, it was just plain cruel.
I will say that for us sex is great now, but just as important, probably more important, is simply holding hands, cuddling, talking, simply being in the same emotional head space. Really, the sex is a (very welcome) result of doing all those other things, maybe this might be a starting point instead of going the whole way, is it worth asking your W to start things gently like this?
Sounds like your WW is just going thru the motions. They can say all they want that they want R, but both spouses have to be willing to do a lot of hard work, & be willing to really look at themselves.
My WH stated in MC last night "I am not a cheater". Talk about denial. The MC said to him "Exactly how many times do you have to have sex with another woman who is not your wife before you would consider yourself to be a cheater?"
Your WW has to really see what she did. I don't think we BSs can control it, force the WS to see it. They have to want to.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:05 AM, November 8th (Friday)]
You have to look at your own situation. You can't work, disabled and few job prospects; what would a divorce do to you? Don't disregard the material and financial advantages of remaining married. It could be the only logical choice.