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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm Slipping
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(this turned out much longer then I had anticipated, so if you actually read the whole thing...bless your heart.)

Saturday morning DH was a bit on the feely side. Not so bad, but he wouldn't take my 'that's enough feely' stance seriously and it kind of ticked me off.

So that night when we were sliding into bed, he was all in the mood and I was just not, but I didn't want to not have sex either (does that make any sense?) I mean, I wanted to have sex, but my engine was not started and cold.

I tried to explain this to him and apparently the way that I said it turned him competely off and poof - done.

I am not 100% sure how the next part happened, what comment set it off, but we got into a fight.

I even remember saying "how the fuck did we get into a fight about all of this from me saying i needed a little extra attention to get me into the mood???"

They were the usual suspects of course.

I still don't trust that he's being honest with me about what he does because I still don't have transparency on his part.

I am still irked about him saying that he didn't 'have' to tell me about the contact with his XW, that he did it because he wanted to.

*he brought up that he didn't 'have' to because I didn't tell him about finding out about my XH's kid over a year ago. XH and I still have mutual friends and my brother still talks to XH pretty regularly. I didn't tell DH that I knew because I was scare of his response, I realize a very wayward reaction. I had no idea though that this had effected him. This is the first time that he even brought up the fact that it pissed him off that I had not told him.

I countered this with stating that while yes, I did look at FB to see if it was true, i never once tried to contact XH or any of his friends to get details. DH on the other hand had a nice lovely conversation with his XW and her ending it by saying 'if you ever need anyone to talk to or if you want to be friends, blah blah blah"....so in my book, that's crossing the boundery, and to top the ice cream he didn't 'have' to tell me about it. Double Standard.

The next heated issue is he is still on my ex best friend D. Who happened to be a man. Apparently he is still pissed off a FB exchange that we had where I stated that I was:

kinda by not really - I am just tired, PMSing and completly sexually deprived at the moment...my view on life right now ranks right up there with sucking theflea infested hairy balls of a camel that just walked 40 days in the desert

Followed by this:

D:ok. I thought there was. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

Me: no, i dont think there is anything to do...i think i just need a bottle of wine, a nice evening wwith theith the man (if you know what i mean) and about 48 hours of sleep

D: I do know what you mean. I could use some time with a woman. Even if it's only 10 minutes. LOL You should set aside a night to do just that.

seriously, see if your mom will take the kids for a night and do something w/DH. You could make a nice dinner hit the red box for a movie, have some wine and get busy

Which consists of D and I talking about sex all the time and that it was beyond inappropriate.

This little back and forth ened a friendship that had been around since before DH and I still hurt about it.

So - here DH has been fuming over 2 things well over a year old, and the D thing is almost 2 years old now....and I had no idea he's holding on to all of this.

In amongst all of this, I am trying to explain that I don't fully trust him, and haven't for some time, and that all he cares about is that 'now i know how it feels'

I try to calmly say that when he found questionable emails, he got everything. My transparency, i got rid of friends, I basically did everything I thought he needed of me.

But now that I am having trust issues, i get a stone wall and the silent treatment. I said it was a double standard and I am having a hard time with it.

We have only gone to 2 MC sessions together - and he refuses to go to anymore.

I have asked for a couples retreat weekend, and he refuses to go that as well.

I have read probably 10 books (getting the love that you want, the road less traveled, 5 languages of love, ect...and currently Relationship Rescue with workbook) and he refuses to read them with me or actually sit down and take things seriously to work on things.

He says he wants us to work, but his actions are very clear that I am the issue and he is not.

When I called him out on the fact that everytime we try to have a conversation that the minute he feels treatened he shuts down, and that is very inmature - he stated that 'well i guess i am to immature for this relationship'....ironically - i am starting to wonder just that.

I just want to feel safe again, safe to bring up an issue without it turning into WWIII, safe to come to him with worry and fears without him thinking that i am cheating. I want to know that when we have issues with each other that we can actually sit down and come to a compromise.

But all the stone walls i get from him make me look the other way - outside my marriage rather then into it.

I have caught myself every time so far. Wanting to send a email to D just to feel like i can get an honest open opinion from him.

Wanting to talk to my mom about all of this because she is my best friend (i am nto allowed to anymore because then it makes DH look like an ass and she won't like him anymore)

He even got mad at me for talking to a different girl friend - until I told him that unless he can say that he will sit down with me and have an actual mature worthwhile conversation about all the shit we are going through without blowing up - I am going to talk to her.

I dont know how long I can last. I dont want to PA again - I just dont even feel good, but I can totally see how an EA could come out of all this.

I am monitoring my FB to make sure there are no easy EA's to be had. I am keeping myself far away from games/places/online shit that could get me into trouble, but i am getting so tired of fighting for my marriage when DH seems hell bent on letting it go.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I called him out on the fact that every time we try to have a conversation that the minute he feels threatened he shuts down, and that is very immature - he stated that 'well i guess i am to immature for this relationship'....ironically - i am starting to wonder just that.
I just want to feel safe again, safe to bring up an issue without it turning into WWIII, safe to come to him with worry and fears without him thinking that i am cheating. I want to know that when we have issues with each other that we can actually sit down and come to a compromise.

Whew. You two need to learn to communicate. ICR, because BH and I had a similar issue that we've now both recognized and are fixing. Our conversations now are amazing!

He shuts down? In this particular quoted exchange...yeah, I kinda don't blame him! You belittled him, and he got defensive, which is a totally normal human reaction. If you want to engage in a peaceful dialogue with your H, *probably* namecalling isn't a great technique.

Go buy and read Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg. IDK, maybe you already have. It teaches you, step by step, how to communicate in a way that takes responsibility for your own feelings without blaming or projecting onto the other person. Unbe-fucking-lievable, I am telling you, this book changed my life.

He even got mad at me for talking to a different girl friend - until I told him that unless he can say that he will sit down with me and have an actual mature worthwhile conversation about all the shit we are going through without blowing up - I am going to talk to her.

Yikes. Now you're belittling him, and doubling down with a threat. Using NVC (nonviolent comm.), I'd try to phrase it something like this. "When you disapprove of me talking to my GF, I feel distressed and hopeless, because I need a safe outlet for my feelings. Can you and I work together and learn to communicate in a peaceful, respectful way? I want to feel safe to come to you with my worries and fears."


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20 - you are totally right. I can see that. I haven't read that book but I will look into it.

DH won't read it though, i can already tell you that.

"When you disapprove of me talking to my GF, I feel distressed and hopeless, because I need a safe outlet for my feelings. Can you and I work together and learn to communicate in a peaceful, respectful way? I want to feel safe to come to you with my worries and fears."

This basically was a topic during our couseling session because he has a HUGE issue with me talking about things with my mom. So, this has been said in many ways and at different times.

before this conversation, I told him that its not that I want to go elsewhere for my venting and tring to talk things out, but that the person I desperately want to talk to (him) won't talk to me.


it was an Imago counselor and so I thought it would be great to learn how to do it so that it became second nature. To say I needed to Imago with him on something and be able to get an open dialogue. But we only went 2 times before he refused to 'talk to someone else about our marriage problems"

So, its like a circle - we need to talk about our issues, but when we talk we dont communicate, so we need help communicating but he refuses to get help because he doesnt want to talk about our marriage issues.

I really want off the circle.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for ya, sistah.

If you're careful to communicate with him in a blame-neutral way, and constantly take the high road...as hard as that is...maybe he will come around one day. I guess my thought is, hang in there as long as you can, one day at a time. If you start slipping down the A slope again, though, do the right thing and ask for a separation. Don't further damage your soul by cheating again.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't further damage your soul by cheating again.

I don't want to i really don't. The thought of a physical affair makes me physically ill.

I just don't know where to go at this point. I don't want to give up, but at what point do i realize that if he is not actively trying then I need to walk away?

And then it comes with all of the stuff that is natural...what about the kids, the dogs, the horses, the house? What about the cars, the debt, the baby sitter?

Divorce wasn't in our vocabulary for so long, and now it looks like that is where we are headed.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what are you doing to take care of you so that you don't slip? Yes, you're monitoring your FB for inappropriate activity but what are you doing to take care of your soul & your spirit? Your BH is going to do whatever he wants to do, that's perfectly clear. What about you? What do you want? Say he opens up and tells you every single thing you want to know and its hurtful, vitriolic, and almost abusive. What would you do with that?


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what are you doing to take care of you so that you don't slip? Yes, you're monitoring your FB for inappropriate activity but what are you doing to take care of your soul & your spirit? Your BH is going to do whatever he wants to do, that's perfectly clear. What about you?

Other then FB, there's not much else to protect. I don't go anywhere, i dont hang out with anyone, and I really don't do much but go to work, tend the horses, go home and tend the kids.

Trying to anything else is not really allowed. He doesn't like when I do things that don't involve him. I have a few things like Eastern Star that I am involved with, but that's only once a month.

I go to church as well, and I am trying to find affordable counseling so that I can at least start going for myself.


What do you want? Say he opens up and tells you every single thing you want to know and its hurtful, vitriolic, and almost abusive. What would you do with that?

If it helped him to get through things and heal, then i am ok with that. I would rather know what is being held against me and work through it then have this crap hung over my head just waiting for me to fail so he can bring it up.

Its not healthy him holding all of this in and it seriously hinders any healing that could be going on right now.

What i want is for him to come back to counseling with me.

I want him to go through the Relationship Rescue with me.

I want us to be able to work through issues that come up rather then have a big ass fight over it and then sweep it under the rug the next day.

I want to be supported by him in the things that bring me joy. I like going to Eastern Star. I really want to be a volunteer child advocate, and I would love to have a regular night with my besties without him getting all bent out of shape. In his mind, anything that I do outside of the home takes away from the family and is a determent to us.

I see it as a way to recharge myself, grow as a person, and become a better me. Creating a better me will allow me to bring the best me back to the family and to him, and I wish that he could understand this.

While my family brings me love and joy, to require that to be my ONLY happiness and joy is a hinderance not a help.

I want to know that what I do has worth, that what I have done for myself and for us has been worth it and noticed, and that I am an equal adult in the relationship. The double standard is killing me.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't like when I do things that don't involve him
was this the case pre-A?

[This message edited by MissesJai at 10:57 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



was this the case pre-A?

wow, yeah kind of.

I mean in one way we were never really apart because we were in that new relationship phase, but then he found the emails from the EA i was in before I left my first husband (and happened to be at the same time i was talk to DH) and since I didnt delete them he thought it was an on going affair - thus sending me into the remorseful WS life with him, transparency, let go of friends, stopped haning out with people, ect....


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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