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User Topic: Marriage counselling
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We haven't started yet - wanted to get my IC up and running and FWH to start sorting his bipolar, taking meds etc
I think we should try to get going before the post Xmas rush.
But I am reticent
I know I'm 50% responsible for our marriage issues pre A although the big chasm there was I knew he had bipolar and he was in denial. But I did work too much (although he kept spending money so what choice did I have) and I was too child-centres (as was he) and I had withdrawn from him (but he withdrew from me - clearly as was having EA then PA with the slut - which came first?)
I know we need to rebuild us and lots of HB alone won't do that but I am so defensive about the past because hell, it wasn't easy for me and I didn't cheat
Advice appreciated


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd encourage you to try MC. A good counselor will do more than just work on "the couple" as a whole, they'll help you (individually) build skills that will make you stronger in relationships in general. That's one of my own goals when doing to my MC.

As for talking to someone else about what happened, I have to remind myself that "it may be embarrassing, but not as much as I felt when I found out about the A." That's helped me, at least.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 301 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Marathon! Your working too much has nothing to do with this. His bipolar has nothing to do with this (other than being an issue he needs to deal with). The A is totally on him.

If you go and you decide you don't like the C, you can get another. I really think it helps to have a 3rd party involved, listening and presenting things that you may not think about when it is just the two of you -- or giving you a different way to think about things.

I hope you decide to go and you find a good C on the first try!!

(((Hugs)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My two cents would be to not let yourself be blamed for too much of what led to the A behavior.

The MC we went to was a waste, also, because Perv got there first and filled her head with lies about me, but I didn't know this, so wasted 8 months of expensive sessions, including time and gas money. Just things to watch out for if you can.

I hope it works for you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not owning his A. That was him. Illness definitely lowered his defences but he chose to cheat. But I do have to own things I did within our M that I could have done better. I didn't prioritise us over work and the kids. My FOO issues meant I worried more about other folks than us. I am prone to straight talking which at times can come across as harsh.
To build the strong M I now demand I have to own my shit. Though I don't think anything I supposedly did that was less than ideal during his betrayal counts as shit. I knew on some level I had lost him and I was distraught for the whole 11 months he was having sex with OW. If sometimes this made me a bit of bitch to live with. Well that's tough
I am nervous about MC because I will not find it easy to work on building our future together while I'm still so hurt by the events in the very recent past. But I think it's nearly time.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marathonwaseasy, I think that's a pretty honest way to look at things. We can't change ourselves if we don't own our problems. Good luck.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 301 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 6

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