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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question for BSs and Waywards
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost 11 months out from Dday, and NC with Ex AP since February. However, about once a month the BS of said AP reaches out to harass me. I have changed my phone number, and email. This time she contacted me through linkedin, and last time it was sent to my work email, which I had to change. How long should this go on? The last time I threatened to put a restraining order in place, and this time I contacted my work security, but frankly, I am starting to get worried about her state of mind. Anyone else go through this?

Just when I feel like I am out of the woods I am pulled back in, and she tells me that I don't get to get away scott free, there are consequences, which I understand, but this cannot be good for them either.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie sounds to me like she just needs some answers maybe?? IDK? Is there anyway you can find out what she is needing from you.
I am sad that she hurts but it really isn't your problem to address. Can your spouse contact her and see what is it she is needing?? I hate to see her go to prison or such kwim?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she is hurting and I feel terrible, but any time I engaged and tried to express my remorse and regret over the situation, I got venom, which I deserved, but I stopped engaging because it was falling on deaf ears.

My BH and I are divorcing and although we are amicable anytime this situation has come up, he has been less than sympathetic...just shrugs and says, well, what did you expect?

And right after DDay I did sit in a car with her for 2 hours and answer her questions, albeit, not 100% truthfully, which she knows now, but I think she knows just about everything through conversations with my BH.

I don't want to have to file a restraining order or harassment charges, but I am still a little worried.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Exclaimation  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once a month, for almost a year? Holy crap, sorry you're dealing with that. If it were me, hmm, can I assume you have a D lawyer? Could you ask him/her to send OBS a letter indicating that if there's any further contact, law enforcement will have to be notified?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my attorney about it in April, and she said the best I could do is go the the authorities and put it on file, a letter from her wouldn't do anything. I just wondered if anyone else did this or had it happen, and when I can expect that it will stop, if ever?

It's just unnerving. You go about your day, then BAM! Sucked right back in.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. Her actions aren't normal, and I'm sure you know that as you are a member here. It's normal to not like OW. It's not normal to write monthly to state that justice has not been served.

If I were you, the next time she contacts you, I would respond with the following:

I am sorry you are hurting, as I have expressed many times. However, at this point your focus should be on your marriage, not on me. Your continued contact is harassing in nature, and if it continues I will have no choice but to get the authorities involved.

Again, I am sorry for your pain, but if you contact me again, I will contact the authorities and provide them with all of the details of all of your contacts with me and request a restraining order.

Thank you,
(WWMEH13)


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your input. It helps, and I'll do that should she reach out again. Hopefully, this will be the last time. But as we approach the anniversary of DDay, the day after Christmas, I won't hold my breath.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and I have not contacted the OW in any way even though my friends have encouraged me to to do so. I just don't see how it improves the situation for anyone, namely myself. I agree with the person who advised sending an email stating any further contact of any form - electronic, telephone, regular mail - will result in obtaining a restraining order against her.

If you state this, though, you must follow through. Be prepared that she may call your bluff. Look into what is needed to get one so that you can act immediately if necessary.

What you did was a terrible thing but I am not sure how her harassing you is making this any better for herself. I hate to say "ignore and it will go away." It obviously hasn't over a period of several months. So I really think you do need to pursue a restraining order in order to keep yourself safe. You never know what someone who is not stable will do.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jun 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's typical for the BS to want to keep engaging the OP like that. I know that I, personally, really needed to see who she was, what she looked like, how they spoke to one another... I had a few questions, like, 'Did he tell you he loved you'? That's it. I have a quiet rage in my soul against her, but I do not want to be in relationship with her, I do not even want her to know how much I despise her. As far as she knows, she is irrelevant, doesn't exist, has not caused a bit of damage to my life.

The pain for the BS is bottomless, and it certainly feels often like the WS and AP got some mutual validation at our expense, sentencing us to suffer into eternity regardless of whether we R or D. It feels nothing, if not unfair. It's hard not to want to spread the pain around. But you can't fix that for her, and punishing you is really not going to make her feel better.

I'm guessing she feels as out of control as she seems. Are she and her H in R, and does he know she's contacting you?


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Db4ever
♂ New Member
Member # 41235
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No more threats, go file a police harassment report and possibly stalking report if she contacts you more than three times. It will show that you are serious and show your betrayed that you are serious also. I
Then you can have a basis for filing charges if it happens after that.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New jersey
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've looked into the laws for Texas and I'll call the non emergency police line to report it. She has never threatened my health or my child, but she keeps leaving it open as there are consequences. I just want it to stop so that we can all move on from the pain more quickly.

I did threaten last time, and didn't follow through, so this time I guess I have to.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did threaten last time, and didn't follow through, so this time I guess I have to.

I agree. The one thing that will make anyone feel emboldened is false threats with no consequences. I'm not saying that I hope BW does something else so she has to face the music. However, if you said you ere going to get the authorities involved if she reached out again, then yes, I think you need to do just that.

You may let her know after, by responding to the email - that you have forwarded her emails to the authorities, and while you are sorry for her pain, you do not wish to hear from her or her husband again.

that may be enough, but maybe not. If not, continue to tell the authorities each time she contacts you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just shrugs and says, well, what did you expect?

I kind of get this. I mean, when you assist someone in completely shattering another person's world, they tend not to take it so well. That's predictable, which is why affairs are conducted on the sneak for the most part.

Personally, I choose to treat my wife's AP as a non-entity. It helps that we've never met or spoken.

Having said that, this behavior is not healthy. I'm sure you don't want to cause her any more pain but you might have no other choice but to go the legal route.

Sometimes a simple cease & desist letter from an attorney is all that's needed. She's been through enough, it would suck if she ends up getting investigated by the police or dragged through the court system on top of everything else. I'd get an attorney and go the stern warning route before doing anything else, unless you have reason to fear for your safety. Good luck.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. It seems like her continued contacts would hurt your efforts at R. Would your BH be willing to contact her and let her know that her actions are a source of pain for him too and not just you? She certainly is angry with you, but hopefully she will have some empathy for him.

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I contacted all of the OWs. Mostly very tame emails - detailing how their actions had affected me and my daughter. More for me than them, because I know none of them gave a shit about me. Some contact recently after DD, some up to a year later. Not once a month, mind you, but...

In my case, the OWs did not register as people to me. They were all single, but had they SOs, I wouldn't have cared how my contact affected their R. If I was told by them that I should focus on my own marriage, I found it condescending. I was in a state of pure rage for a long time. If it helps you to understand, I can give you a list of what what going through my ticker-tape at the time:

- how dare they get to go on with their lives scott-free
- I can't believe people act like this (not much introspection at that point)
- I can't believe they helped themselves to my husband
- how dare they hurt my child
- I want them to hear and feel my pain until my last dying breath

It's tantrum stuff. A protest.

I disagree with the lawyer that a cease and desist letter wouldn't do anything. Even if no real action is enforceable with it, it may shock her enough to get her to stop. It would have infuriated me (as in, she ruins my life, then tells ME to stop?!?) BUT it would wake me up, and scare me into stopping contact.

Just when I feel like I am out of the woods I am pulled back in, and she tells me that I don't get to get away scott free, there are consequences, which I understand, but this cannot be good for them either.

Gently, do you care whether this is "good" for her/them? I believe your aim is to make her stop bothering you. I think the letter from a lawyer will accomplish that.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I contacted OW several times after dday. In each case it was because she once again invaded my life. Sometimes it was continued contact with WH (who would later because X). Sometimes it was because I received mail for her or received a phone call for her (she lived in my house for several months prior to dday). Each time I stressed that if she invaded my life again, whether she initiated it or not, then I would reach out again. The last time I included the address of several people in her social group that I would contact. And she never invaded my life again.

If the OBS continues to contact you then she is clearly not healing. That may be because her WH continues to hurt her or perhaps even mention you. It could be because she is mentally or emotionally on the brink and thus unable to heal. Regardless, it is not your problem to solve (unless it is something like your mail being sent to her house).

Report it to the police and then ask your L to send a cease and desist letter stating that you have already contacted the authorities. I have found that a letter on a lawyers letterhead carries more weight than just a regular letter.

Good luck.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17631 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryingmybest - Thank you for your insight. I guess I don't feel like I am getting away 'scott free', which is why this hurts to be pulled back into just as I feel I am finding my way out.

I'm losing my family home, access to my child 50% of the time, I've lost my integrity, friends, the support of my mother, etc. But it was my choice, and I have to live with that. I didn't consider her pain or her family's during an entirely selfish time. This isn't a woe is me. I brought this all on myself. I realize this.

However, I don't want her to hurt anymore. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't. So I guess I do care what is good for her. I don't want to be a source of pain for her anymore, I wish she could have her headspace back, but I can't give it.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
phillygirl
♀ Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't resist replying to this.

I dont think you should do anything.

If what is happening that every month or so she sends you a nasty message, then you should just ignore it. It hasn't been even a year yet, she's probably still paranoid about the affair continuing.

Just keep the NC.

If she starts hanging around your home or job, or sending you dozens of messages a week, or vandalizing you property, then involve law enforcement. Otherwise I really don't see this as stalking. I really don't see the point in making more trouble for her over a handfull of nastygrams.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2005
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Philly.

Are the nature of the emails threatening? Is she telling you what you have done to her life? Is she asking more questions?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW,
BS here.

When you said this:

"I'm losing my family home, access to my child 50% of the time, I've lost my integrity, friends, the support of my mother, etc. But it was my choice, and I have to live with that. I didn't consider her pain or her family's during an entirely selfish time. This isn't a woe is me. I brought this all on myself. I realize this.

However, I don't want her to hurt anymore. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't. So I guess I do care what is good for her. I don't want to be a source of pain for her anymore, I wish she could have her headspace back, but I can't give it."

I thought, maybe she needs to know this.

Also, although this year is a long time for you, and you just want to forget it, it is the opposite for her. She can't forget.

It is also possible that these contacts by her are when she is under the influence of something she is using to try and cope. If not, I would be concerned if all these messages are truly purely vindictive and not a hunt for information.

I am sure she is fearful all the time of your reemergence into her life and views you as a threat that she needs to protect herself from and who has harmed her.

For me, if you stated what you did above, that you have had consequences, that you have regret and state that you intend to never have any contact with or thought of her husband again that may reassure her. If you have done all this in a believable fashion and she is still contacting you, I say send the formal letter.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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