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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: should i hang out with my former coworkers?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my old coworkers sent me a text today asking if I want to hang out with her and two other co-workers on Friday night.

I am reluctant to go cuz I am afraid it will be a HUGE trigger for me...all three of these co-workers know about my A with my xAP and they see him on a regular basis. And even if no one were to talk about it I think it would be the elephant in the room.

I want to put that whole part of my life behind me and focus on my future...and I don't think I can do that if I hang out with them right now.

I told my BH about it and he agreed it may not be a great idea and if it were him he wouldn't go.

What would others do? And how do I explain this to my friends? Should I make up an excuse or be honest?

It's so hard cuz I miss my old co-workers and kids at the center....but those things all remind me of the A and I don't think I'm at the point yet where I can put myself in that situation.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your head and heart know that "nope" is the correct answer. People, places, things...


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hell no.

They are not friends of your marriage. Its likely they will bring up your AP, which breaks mental NC.

Also, this will be hurtful to your husband.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my BH about it and he agreed it may not be a great idea and if it were him he wouldn't go.

No stop sign, so I'll respond.

I wouldn't go. Your H doesn't want to manage your life and control you, but he told you that it wasn't a good idea, and that he wouldn't go. What else do you need to hear?

I don't think you feel your friends mean more than your H. I think if you go, he's going to think that you are still more interested in those friends and that life. I can't see any good coming from you going, but I can see a lot of bad.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree it isn't a good idea to go. I don't think it would be good for me, and certainly don't want to hurt my BH.

But.....do I tell my friend the truth or make up an excuse?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't go. Tell them the truth IMO, but as long as you do the right thing by your husband, what you choose to tell them is really besides the point.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They know of your A, so I think you should tell the truth - that that part of your life is over, and that you being around anything that was part of your life then is not good for your marriage, so for the foreseeable future, you will not be joining them for activities.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please let me clarify - I think giving them the 'why' will make your husband feel that he is not only worth you not going, but he is worth you explaining that he means too much for you to do anything to jeopardize your marriage. I think that will mean a great deal to him.

This is why I say you should tell your friends why. Telling them will also cause them to not ask you out repeatedly.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you hang out with these people outside of work prior to this?

As for not going, just tell them you have other plans. Your plans can be to stay home with your H and Dd. No reason to get into any deeper than to say you have plans


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37471 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with wh5. You don't have to tell them anything. "I have plans" works just fine. If they, probe further, the choice to divulge further is on you, but I wouldn't encourage it.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5989 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hung out with them occasionally before I left that job but not very often.

I have been at my new job for almost a month and was out of work for about a month and a half before that (that's when I "resigned" from that job.

The thing is, like Samantha said they are not friends of my M. Two of them are the co-workers I have mentioned before. ...they knew about the A and basically congratulated me on it


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
almostlostitall
♀ New Member
Member # 41208
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not go. Especially if it will be a trigger for you. Not worth it, especially if you are trying to R with you BS.


Me - WW 33
Him - BS 36
DDay - 8/25
Working on it

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can not imagine spending ANY time at all with people who congratulated me on an affair. Those people aren't safe for you, for your husband, or for your marriage. Not sure they're even people. JMHO.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just texted her back and said I can't hang out with them cuz its too much of a trigger for me and my BH!

Thank you for all of you who replied


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your response was an overshare. A simple, "Can't make it," would've sufficed. Be very careful about your boundaries. What happens in your M, stays in your M.

(I was about to post "no f'ing way" when I just saw your last post.)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my BH about it and he agreed it may not be a great idea and if it were him he wouldn't go.

Is it possible he wants to say no, but doesn't, because he wants you to make the decision not to go?

Please let me clarify - I think giving them the 'why' will make your husband feel that he is not only worth you not going, but he is worth you explaining that he means too much for you to do anything to jeopardize your marriage. I think that will mean a great deal to him.

I agree with this wholeheartedly!

Two of them are the co-workers I have mentioned before. ...they knew about the A and basically congratulated me on it

My WH had a friend that knew about the A and even did things to encourage it. Every time he does anything that friend is involved in, I stress from the time I first hear of any possible plans until it's over & done with, Sometimes for days after. Would you H have the same reaction? After everything you've put him through do you want to rub salt in his wounds?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd24 Sorry I missed your last post before I responded. I'm happy for your H & you that you decided not to go.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,

Anyone who isn't a friend of the marriage should not even be a consideration to hang out with.

It's as simple as, my marriage is worth more than that. nonFOTM should have no place in your life.

Think how damaging it would be to hang out with people who were your cheerleaders during your A.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:14 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38203 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my BH that I wasn't going to go and he was very happy and relieved...I told him I knew it would be hard for him (and I) and I didn't want to put him through that.

I know I should have never even considered going...I don't know why I did. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea, but wanted to post about it on here to see what others would say, cuz I guess I was looking for the reassurance that deciding not to go was the right thing.

I guess that's kinda looking for external validation though,isn't it?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see your original post as looking for external validation (in the *icky* way that we talk about it sometimes) so much as looking for support to do what you knew was the right thing to do.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 20

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