I realized that I had not been the most supportive husband, and we went through some rocky patches and she needed support and this guy was there at the time
Wrong - this is 100% not your fault. You may not have been the most supportive husband but that still doesnt dismiss her doing what she did. Then going on to so this is her why for the A is also very likely not to be the real reason she did it. Do not accept blameshifting - your WW needs to own what she did.
Now he’s sending updates to his own e-mail in hopes that she will read them.
Checking up on her so early in the process is completely normal. She needs to regain your trust - you verifying that she is doing what she says she is doing is all part of the process. Careful of the above statement - sounds like he wants her to exchange communication via draft emails in his account - that would be a very difficult way for you to check up on.
If it was me, I would go on his email with his password, check the emails in the drafts, if your WW has not sent any there, I would type a FU draft email to the other guy and say no contact means no contact I am telling your wife what you did. Then tell his wife that he is still trying to make contact. This guy unfortunately seems very persistant in trying to maintain contact.
As for her work e-mail, she needs to tell her boss that she's being stalked, and she is, and to changer e-mail there.
And it's all on your WW to do what ever is necessary to regain your trust.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Personally, I would have your wife delete her accounts completely, and create new accounts to which you have her passwords. I think this would make you feel more comfortable. This is what I did with my FWH. She probably can't delete her work e-mail, but it's great you have the password to that. I made sure we both changed our phone numbers, as well. This pretty much stopped all possibilities contact between FWH and OW.
What you're going through is totally normal. As your WW continues to be transparent, and if she is truly remorseful and willing to help you through this, the need to check up on her and make SURE she's not cheating will lessen. I rarely check phone logs and emails these days. Once in a while I will, but I never find anything. (Which is great!)
Is your wife willing to go through counseling with you, and even on her own? She definitely needs to figure out WHY she cheated and fix that part of herself in order to go through R with you. Any blame she/you put on yourself is absolutely wrong. Please don't let her blame shift! She made these choices, not you!
First don't blame yourself. We all had some kind of issues in our marriages, no one is perfect. If she was upset for any reason she should have talked to you about it, not someone else. That's just an excuse to justify her actions.
Another problem I have with her confession is would she have told you if her AP's wife didn't find out? Or would she have kept it a secret and continued lying to you for years? A lie by omission is still a lie.
If she truly wants her AP to stop then she needs to send a NC (no contact) letter. It needs to be straight to the point. She can even include in the letter that he's contacting her at work and if it continues she she will alert HR and the authorities, etc...
Don't worry too much about your snooping. This is your new reality and you have to do what you feel is necessary to feel safe in your relationship until you figure out what path you want to take.
Sending strength your way.
Keep posting, it helps.
[This message edited by simplydevastated at 3:44 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
First off, let me tell you that your spying is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL around here. I am the last person in the world that thought I would become hypervigilant, but that was exactly the case post-discovery. You will start to notice that as your trust improves in your wife, the incessant monitoring will start to diminish.
The other man's wife trying to reach out to you is another "normal" situation surrounding infidelity. It is preached here often to inform the other betrayed spouse, as it (1) potentially gets them out of the dark that their cheating spouse has put them in, and (2) also helps put a damper on any continuing contact. If you do not want to speak to the other BS, then that is your choice, but I would seriously consider it. She may be in the exact same mindset as you.
It was also suggested to gather evidence. I agree with this. Forward this information to your personal account where only you have access. Make sure that you leave no trails of your monitoring.
Then talk to his wife. Bring the e-mails, and offer them if she would like. DO NOT TELL ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE, that you are doing this. As of this moment, you are not 100% sure that your wife is out of contact. She only confessed after she was cornered. And although she has made great steps---in your opinion---nothing has been mentioned about her trying to discover why she not only cheated on you, but how she cheated on herself. That takes some soul-searching.
Nonetheless, it sounds like you two are committed to reconciling, which is great...if that is what you both want. What we want to try to hammer home to you, is that healing is a process, and must be worked through thoroughly by both parties...so something like this can never happen again. Putting it in your rearview mirror as fast as possible may seem like the right thing to do, but often important steps are missed this way, and resurface down the road.
Good luck, and keep posting. The more that we know, the more help that we can offer.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
YES, IT'S NORMAL to want to spy!!!! I found out nine months ago and I continue. It lessens over time, but my guard is still up. Until I "know", I'll continue.
Delete what accounts you can, change phone numbers. Your wife does need to talk with her employer, at least see if her email can block certain addresses. LET THE OTHER MAN'S WIFE KNOW!!! If they're trying to reconcile, she NEEDS to know. It is not right him still trying to contact your wife. If none of that works, restraining order time!! If he's doing all that, is he stalking other in other ways??
ethm, it sounds like you're a sensible person, you're just in a terrible position. What you're doing and feel is completely normal. Don't second guess yourself. It'll eat you up inside.
I asked my wife that if she want this to work, she had to tell him to completely stop making contact with her, even saying "hi" when they meet at job. She even sent him an email with me on it so he would know that I am aware. She said to him that this was the biggest mistake of her life, and that she had that point she didn't even know why she did that.
Then I called him. I told him that he had to back off as we had 3 kids (6, 4 and 2 years old) and that my wife had to rebuild herself, and I dind't gave him the time to answer me as I just hung the phone. He stopped making contact after that.
I am also spying on her. I think it is normal. I gave her my trust, she did the worst thing she could do, why should I give her my trust back so easily? She has to earn it, and now I need proofs. I also know she wouldn't do it again so soon, but why should we go over this so easily?
Also, why don't you talk with his BW. Met up with her and show her what is going on. She might have more information that you do not know.
I suggest you tell her that you need to rebuild the trust and ask her for ideas on how to do that. Hopefully she will come up with giving you access to all the affair tools on her own (passwords, cellphone, etc) (and you will know with your activity how true her word is).
If she can't change emails, she can certainly block his email (or send a request to IT to do it for her).
He also mentioned that he's still with his wife, but they're not doing well.
Translation: Boo-hoo, poor fucking me. Can I have a pity fuck?
The OM is still trying to actively solicit attention from your WW. She needs to poor some ice on that creep and hold firm.
And it was definitely because she felt cornered.
Absolutely. She was running from reality (the affair), and dealing with the fact that she made such selfish and hurtful decisions is something that many wish not to face in fear of what it tells them about themselves. But reality has hit and she is now exposed to the full truth of what she did. It is her actions now that will show her for who she truly is.
Another f'd up detail, she BEGGED me to hang out with these people.
Fucked up yes, but not uncommon. This is a way for the WS's to try to solicit approval for the OP and therefore the affair. If you say "Hey, OM's a heck of a guy", then sleeping with him can't be all that bad, can it? Yeah... it's fucked up logic, but they'll look for anything to justify their choices.
I considered therapy, but I have never been a huge fan of paying someone to hear me talk about my problems
Don't throw out the idea of therapy. You need to be at your best, however this goes down. There is no shame in asking for help if you need it to give yourself and your family the best chance possible. Make sure you do take care of yourself. Keep reading and posting here.
[This message edited by SerJR at 4:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
1. She needs to Delete her FB account. Demand it. You get to e in charge of this R.
2. You need to know enough details that you don't just bury your head in the sand and expect things to be hunky dory. She needs to show true remorse which is quite different than sorry I got caught.
3. How do you know his wife has had multiple As? Per him, per your wife. The only thing you know for sure at this point is those two your wife and other man is that they are liars, and liars lie. So unless ow has confirmed her indiscretions I would not believe it.
4. You don't need to do therapy if you aren't a fan of it, you won't get anything out of it with that attitude. However your wife better be busting her ass to show you she is working very hard to figure out her why, why she did it, why she felt it was a reasonable choice and fixing whatever that is within herself that allowe her to create this shitstorm and if she isn't ten she doesn't get it.
You should get STD tested, demand she does as well. And lastly go see a D attorney if you haven't already. Just so you understand how it will all play out should the wheels fall off of this recovery.
Stay strong, keep posting.
If I hadn't discovered this, my wife is still saying that she would have kept it secret. She's saying that it is doing no good that I know it, that it is only hurting me. But it is also disgusting me, they had been doing while they were supposed to be at work. I also think that at some point they would have do it again. They were still seeing each other at work, she even bought the kids at work so he would meet him. She was giving him my books and movies so he could read/watch them, and she was telling me afterwards that I would think he was so cool. The day I discovered it, she was asking me how she could work with him again after their boss made a reorganization.
I cannot talk to any of my friends, we have the same circle of friends and if I want to give her a chance, our friends can't know. I find it so hard when we are with our friends, they see her as a great mother, a good wife, if they only knew...
Personally, I am doing a therapy. When it started, I thought that I didn't need this and was thinking that I would stop after one or 2 weeks. But I am still doing therapy, it helps me understand my feelings and it gives me hope that I will go through this.
As for myself, I asked a lot of details (very specific details) because I had to understand. Afterward, I thought that I was messed up, but my therapist told me that some people had to know what happened in order to understand. For myself, it is better to know what happened that having all those weird thoughts that in fact never occurred. You have to ask yourself how you will react. Will it make you angry or sad, and then will you be able to go over this? Or will it make it worse? I think it depends on what kind of guy you are.
It is also relieving me to talk to people that are living the same situation, it feels good!
If she does not do it.. A key question and decision should be made by you. Don't make it an ultimatum. That is force. Just make a wise choice for you.
She must now be worthy. Let her prove it.
This is a consequence for her own bad behavior. If she wants you, she will do it. You married a girl that now must grow up to be a woman. Do you want a girl or a woman? Let her make the choice.
Love hopes.. She can and will make this stalker go away if she truly wants the M.she must want you to feel safe. If not, you continue to live in fear.
This will tell him to stay out. Don't be afraid to share those emais.. Save them. In time, you can destroy the record of wrong.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:24 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
So, she worked with this guy years ago; they no longer work together. She has a completely different career. There jobs were not government before, so there is no work connection anymore. He located her e-mail online...access is open to the public.
@tushnurse It's funny you mention the STD testing/multiple partners. My wife hung out with these people ALOT. They went to theme parks together, had cook-outs, etc. I only had the pleasure of hanging out with them a few times. His wife was the one who told my wife about the cheating, and her husband later confirmed. MY WIFE HAS OCD AND IS A GERM FREAK!!! That was part of the reason why we had some problems before all this, so you can imagine the SHOCK when she told me it was this guy! My wife said that "Yes...that was very difficult to deal with, so she went and was tested afterwards and claims she had him go test too." Crazy!!! I have been tested and everything's good, but damn, that's scary stuff that I figured would deter her from the thought of having sex with another person.
Another thing: My wife made a timeline to help me process. No extreme details, but the when and wheres. That was messed up to read. Good to know nothing happened in my house! They would do stuff during work, go back to his place, etc. The last time "it was physical" was when she was going to go over and pet sit for them while they were away on vacation. She got there and he was there waiting...and apparently she couldn't say "No." Ack...makes me sick thinking about it. Her reasoning was that he was giving her the mental support she needed and he needed physical support. Crappiest part was that was a really successful part of my life. I had just been promoted, we had just had an amazing vacation, and all was great in our lives. That stings, for sure.
What are all the acronyms?
BS = Betrayed Spouse
WS = Wayward Spouse
Hey bro, does the OMs (other mans) wife know that the POS (piece of shit) is still trying to contact your wife? Ya need to let her know....