As far as my H and I have come in the last few months though, I can't shrug off this feeling of being ganged up on of this being a personal attack somehow (my MC does agree that it was to a degree). OW clearly was getting off on "stealing" my H (I know you can't "steal" someone, but this was very much a competition in her eyes), came to my home and spent evenings with just me and my H, asked me "as a friend" to watch her children overnight, went out with me on girl nights, would tell me she was going to buy new sexy underwear since she was recently separated--all the while she is sleeping with my H. My H said he doesn't know why he didn't tell her to back off, to stop pursuing hanging out with me. He knew he was uncomfortable with it, but he just allowed her to steamroll me. He says he was angry at me bc of our pre-A M issues and my thinking is that he may have been getting off on this cunning way of putting me down, of knowing that he and OW had power over me that I was clueless about.
I'm having a really tough time with this lately. The personal aspect of the double betrayal is such a huge sticking point for me. I feel such hot anger about it sometimes, my face gets all red and my hands clammy.
The disconnect between who my H is now and who he was then is so huge. I almost feel like the collusion between the 2 of them is worse than the sex. Does that make sense?
I'd love to hear your experiences about how you've overcome or dealt with feeling stuck b/c of a double betrayal. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this.
Six months ago, WH confessed to a three year affair with my sister along with 4 other affairs. The full story is in my profile.
My sister is a year older than me. Although we grew up together, we grew up very differently. I was the family scapegoat and suffered extreme and intense abuse. She was the golden child who could do no wrong.
She was just as much one of my abusers as anyone else in my family. When I was four, she cut off my thumb just because she could. I use to have to stand and face the wall so that she could jump off of the furniture and kick me in the back of the head, smashing my face over and over until she got bored. My face carries many scars from that and much more. My mother rewarded her for abusing me.
At the best of times, I was her servant. She never failed to remind me that she was better than me.
When I moved back to my hometown as an adult, my sister was always at my house. I thought she was trying to turn over a new leaf and have an adult relationship with me. Boy, was I wrong. WH started an affair with her before he could even unpack. It continued until my morally bankrupt sister was arrested for dealing drugs out of her house.
Until recently, I never told my husband about my childhood abuse. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. It just hurts that WH hooked up with my monster of a sister. Anyone else on the planet would hurt bad enough, but to choose HER?
When we were teenagers, I would never date anyone who had been attracted to her, let alone involved with her. I knew what a mean, selfish person she was and I had to question the type of man who was attracted to that. I would never give them the time of day once they had anything to do with her.
Now I'm married to one. Their A happened years ago, but I just found out about it six months ago. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it.
I'm not a dog, but she is truly ugly from the inside out. It turns my stomach to think about it.
I have worked so hard to be a better person than the family I was raised in. I raised both my kids and hers (the state took them away because she was abusing them the same way she abused me growing up). I worked hard and earned everything I have without any help from anyone ever (including my WH). I have been a faithful, loyal, and devoted wife and mother. I didn't deserve this.
WH is now being wonderful. It would be so much easier if he was still being a selfish jerk like he has during our entire marriage. I would just divorce him without a second thought if he were.
We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore. He is trying to rekindle that love, but I don't know if that's even possible.
WH has had 4 other affairs. He even has an OC with OW#1 that is the same age as our daughter (3 months apart). Even so, the one with my sister is the one that hurts the most.
We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore.
This is totally understandable. For many the affairs and the betrayal are truly a dealbreaker. My XWH wasn't interested in R, but I really doubt that I could've done it. I think it would've been a dealbreaker for me.
Wishing you the best as you navigate this.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I just can't get the OW out of my head - I keep wondering what happened 10 months ago that she would throw my friendship out the window ?
the last time they met in the park WH told me that the OW had been talking about how she loved me and my kids , WTF !
It's really been messing with me - that I can now see how false her actions were for those 6 months that the A lasted
I want to know if this happens to you all - and if
Stew about the EXBFF ?
Also, when H told her he loved me, she said, "I love Bionicgal, too!" The very thought of it makes me laugh in amazement.
So yes, I have days. She seems to be trying to cultivate friendships with other friends of mine (for what reason I cannot fathom), so she's just gonna hang around the edges I am afraid until she finds another man to fluff up her tail feathers. I think she is looking for an exit affair, and no doubt she'll find it.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:54 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
I am particularly stuck on the fact that he allowed her into the delivery room while I was having our baby. I thought she was my true blue friend so I wanted her there, but he knew that she was really tricking me. Why didn't he tell her to back off? Why didn't he protect me?
The OW in my case also was set on stealing my WH. She did everything to lure him away. She bought him alcohol that I had driven her to buy. I thought she just wanted a little booze to ease the pain of her own divorce, but no she wanted to lower his inhibitions so she could steal him. I'm SO stupid.
My Wh also says he was angry at me, and the OW confirmed that she felt that he was just trying to " pay me back". For what I am not sure. He had bought a motorcycle without discussing it with me, and I was upset about it. So, because I got upset, I deserved to be cheated on?
I don't know how to get past it. It's been 14 years and it just keeps popping back up.
I feel like I am getting closer and closer to divorce. I think the only way to get over it is to end the relationship. I'm just so sad I've wasted so much of my life trying to heal from this, and I just can't heal.
My WH asks me why I cry over her when he talks what his book is saying. He says I have to deal with a double betrayal. And then I started to cry. He didn't understand why I cried. He knows that I was starting to have a few worries about her and some patterns I was beginning to notice. He doesn't understand why I would be upset when I thought she was using people -- maybe me included.
But she was my friend before all of this. I only had her that I could cry to. I cried to her about my WH. I cried to her and told her all I wanted was for him to want me/appreciate me and I didn't believe he did. I don't know how she could stand to call herself my friend and let me cry to her while she was sleeping with my WH.
This hurts. =(
[This message edited by chefwifie at 10:07 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]
It. truly. fucking. sucks.
"We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love — first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."
It really does suck. Something that helped me was finding a DivorceCare group. I was able to talk to people in real life about what I was going through. Like SI, there is no judgment there.
I had a double-betrayal related trigger tonight that left me in tears. It was unexpected and painful. My DD was looking for some old pictures, and she couldn't find any of the older files on the computer, so I sat down to find the oldest pictures. Well, we started looking through them, and I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of loss and grief.
Seeing the smiling faces, the happy times, celebrations, vacations....everything he so willingly threw away. It was emotional. Adding to the pain is the fact that OW and her family is in so many of the pictures.
It wasn't always happy, happy, and thinking of the not-so-great times toward the end helped get me out of the funk tonight. Well, that and the wise-counsel of an SI friend.
Hugs to you all.
Wasn't easy since that fucktard was one of my groomsmen. Took some pretty creative photoshop work and we lost a few pictures entirely. Still though it was worth every damn penny to have it done. Just knowing that his pictures were in there had me right on the edge of throwing my wedding album on a fucking bonfire.
He's gone from it now thankfully, but I still haven't really looked through that album since the thorough inspection I gave it when it came back from the photographer....
So clearly it was only partially effective. Wouldn't really say it made the whole thing a distant memory for me or anything. Still glad I did it. One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation. Knowing he isn't in there should certainly help with that.
One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation.
And ask how that person is doing.
And ask questions.
And eventually draw their own conclusions.
And wonder aloud "How did this happen right under their nose? How didn't they know? *I* would know."
I hatehatehate the fact that plenty of great memories feel 'tainted' by his presence.
I made so many decisions (or avoided making them) based on what I thought WH's reaction would be, what effect they would have on him. Knowing he was making so many decisions without any thought to their impact on my life has been pretty painful. I'm beginning to see now just how detrimental it is to live your life at either extreme. I have bad days (yesterday was one: OW broke NC. Screw you, you needy, backstabbing bitch!), but on the good days I can take advantage of the opportunity I have to build a strong, honest marriage and I am determined not to waste it.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. It is tricky and painful when there are kids, and friends, involved. I particularly miss the OBS, and worry for him, as I think the AP is somewhat unremorseful from what I have seen. (She feels bad about it, but in a self-serving way.)
I am so sorry you are right across the street. . we live a few blocks away and that even feels too close!