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Double Betrayal

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veronique12 posted 4/8/2014 11:56 AM

Just venting. I've slipped back to feeling a lot of anger and hurt over the double aspect of the betrayal. I should preface this by saying H is now for the most part being wonderful. Sensitive, in IC and MC, going to a men's support group, reading, trying to connect, everything. But I'm really struggling with the mindf*ck of it all. And some days I am sick looking at him. Like get the F away from me. During the A I know that he was in a complete fog, had demonized me and our M, things weren't great pre-A, but... I can't shake that personal attack feeling. The OW was very underhanded. She faked a friendship with me and from the get-go set her sights on my H. My H obviously was not innocent either and made the choice to betray me.

As far as my H and I have come in the last few months though, I can't shrug off this feeling of being ganged up on of this being a personal attack somehow (my MC does agree that it was to a degree). OW clearly was getting off on "stealing" my H (I know you can't "steal" someone, but this was very much a competition in her eyes), came to my home and spent evenings with just me and my H, asked me "as a friend" to watch her children overnight, went out with me on girl nights, would tell me she was going to buy new sexy underwear since she was recently separated--all the while she is sleeping with my H. My H said he doesn't know why he didn't tell her to back off, to stop pursuing hanging out with me. He knew he was uncomfortable with it, but he just allowed her to steamroll me. He says he was angry at me bc of our pre-A M issues and my thinking is that he may have been getting off on this cunning way of putting me down, of knowing that he and OW had power over me that I was clueless about.

I'm having a really tough time with this lately. The personal aspect of the double betrayal is such a huge sticking point for me. I feel such hot anger about it sometimes, my face gets all red and my hands clammy.

The disconnect between who my H is now and who he was then is so huge. I almost feel like the collusion between the 2 of them is worse than the sex. Does that make sense?

I'd love to hear your experiences about how you've overcome or dealt with feeling stuck b/c of a double betrayal. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this.

Feeling lost.

OneFootFirst posted 4/10/2014 19:49 PM

Ugh. For me, the collusion, as you call it, is absolutely what I spend most of the time being angry about. The lying, the sex, the way he acted towards me during the A, those things hurt. They make me sick and sad. But that relationship they both concealed so well despite being in near constant contact with me? That BURNS.

Maybe it's a good thing they deleted their FB chat history (literally thousands of messages over a 6 month period, most of which were sent while I sat on the couch 15 feet from WH's computer), because it would probably make me homicidal to read it. They probably messaged during our kids' play dates.
I see it less as a personal attack than a really fucked up head game. May you never have another "friend" like her.
Sending virtual hugs and the strength to focus that anger, V12.

Furious1 posted 4/12/2014 15:11 PM

I would like to introduce myself. I am Furious1.

Six months ago, WH confessed to a three year affair with my sister along with 4 other affairs. The full story is in my profile.

My sister is a year older than me. Although we grew up together, we grew up very differently. I was the family scapegoat and suffered extreme and intense abuse. She was the golden child who could do no wrong.

She was just as much one of my abusers as anyone else in my family. When I was four, she cut off my thumb just because she could. I use to have to stand and face the wall so that she could jump off of the furniture and kick me in the back of the head, smashing my face over and over until she got bored. My face carries many scars from that and much more. My mother rewarded her for abusing me.

At the best of times, I was her servant. She never failed to remind me that she was better than me.

When I moved back to my hometown as an adult, my sister was always at my house. I thought she was trying to turn over a new leaf and have an adult relationship with me. Boy, was I wrong. WH started an affair with her before he could even unpack. It continued until my morally bankrupt sister was arrested for dealing drugs out of her house.

Until recently, I never told my husband about my childhood abuse. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. It just hurts that WH hooked up with my monster of a sister. Anyone else on the planet would hurt bad enough, but to choose HER?

When we were teenagers, I would never date anyone who had been attracted to her, let alone involved with her. I knew what a mean, selfish person she was and I had to question the type of man who was attracted to that. I would never give them the time of day once they had anything to do with her.

Now I'm married to one. Their A happened years ago, but I just found out about it six months ago. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I'm not a dog, but she is truly ugly from the inside out. It turns my stomach to think about it.

I have worked so hard to be a better person than the family I was raised in. I raised both my kids and hers (the state took them away because she was abusing them the same way she abused me growing up). I worked hard and earned everything I have without any help from anyone ever (including my WH). I have been a faithful, loyal, and devoted wife and mother. I didn't deserve this.

WH is now being wonderful. It would be so much easier if he was still being a selfish jerk like he has during our entire marriage. I would just divorce him without a second thought if he were.

We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore. He is trying to rekindle that love, but I don't know if that's even possible.

WH has had 4 other affairs. He even has an OC with OW#1 that is the same age as our daughter (3 months apart). Even so, the one with my sister is the one that hurts the most.

woundedby2 posted 4/14/2014 00:01 AM

(((Furious1))) I am so sorry for the pain that you've endured. Your sister? That is so despicable. I can't imagine dealing with this level of betrayal.

We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore.

This is totally understandable. For many the affairs and the betrayal are truly a dealbreaker. My XWH wasn't interested in R, but I really doubt that I could've done it. I think it would've been a dealbreaker for me.

Wishing you the best as you navigate this.

littleflower posted 4/16/2014 02:05 AM

Hey there DBies

I just can't get the OW out of my head - I keep wondering what happened 10 months ago that she would throw my friendship out the window ?
the last time they met in the park WH told me that the OW had been talking about how she loved me and my kids , WTF !

It's really been messing with me - that I can now see how false her actions were for those 6 months that the A lasted

I want to know if this happens to you all - and if
Stew about the EXBFF ?

bionicgal posted 4/16/2014 11:53 AM

I have days where I stew. The AP in our case said in her apology that she had always "adored and admired me." Ha! Jealous of and competitive with me, is more like it. (Mainly jealous of me and my husband's relationship, but also I do for a living what she'd like to do.) But of course, I had no idea. Never thought she was competition, and I let a lot of odd stuff fly because I liked her.

Also, when H told her he loved me, she said, "I love Bionicgal, too!" The very thought of it makes me laugh in amazement.

So yes, I have days. She seems to be trying to cultivate friendships with other friends of mine (for what reason I cannot fathom), so she's just gonna hang around the edges I am afraid until she finds another man to fluff up her tail feathers. I think she is looking for an exit affair, and no doubt she'll find it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:54 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

beautytoashes5 posted 4/17/2014 13:05 PM

Furious1--- thank you for sharing your story. I'm also part of this club nobody wants to be part of. Your message of hope & inspiration made me cry this morning. I feel like you when you mentioned that you will not live like you used to. I feel like you read my mind.
Hugs to you

veronique12 posted 4/17/2014 16:20 PM

I am feeling strong today so just wanted to (virtually) share a little of that extra strength with everyone and to thank you all for sharing your stories. By sharing your pain you are helping so many people feel a little less alone. Hugs.

Freebygrace posted 4/20/2014 22:18 PM

I feel just like you. Everything you wrote describes my feelings exactly. My WH is being nice now. I couldn't ask for more. But how can I get past the fact that he plotted and planned against me?

I am particularly stuck on the fact that he allowed her into the delivery room while I was having our baby. I thought she was my true blue friend so I wanted her there, but he knew that she was really tricking me. Why didn't he tell her to back off? Why didn't he protect me?

The OW in my case also was set on stealing my WH. She did everything to lure him away. She bought him alcohol that I had driven her to buy. I thought she just wanted a little booze to ease the pain of her own divorce, but no she wanted to lower his inhibitions so she could steal him. I'm SO stupid.

My Wh also says he was angry at me, and the OW confirmed that she felt that he was just trying to " pay me back". For what I am not sure. He had bought a motorcycle without discussing it with me, and I was upset about it. So, because I got upset, I deserved to be cheated on?

I don't know how to get past it. It's been 14 years and it just keeps popping back up.

I feel like I am getting closer and closer to divorce. I think the only way to get over it is to end the relationship. I'm just so sad I've wasted so much of my life trying to heal from this, and I just can't heal.

chefwifie posted 4/26/2014 22:04 PM

I have no one to talk to anymore. =( The OW was my supposed best friend. I don't make friends that easily -- or rather, I don't trust people easily. Now I have no one to talk to about all my hurt inside.

My WH asks me why I cry over her when he talks what his book is saying. He says I have to deal with a double betrayal. And then I started to cry. He didn't understand why I cried. He knows that I was starting to have a few worries about her and some patterns I was beginning to notice. He doesn't understand why I would be upset when I thought she was using people -- maybe me included.

But she was my friend before all of this. I only had her that I could cry to. I cried to her about my WH. I cried to her and told her all I wanted was for him to want me/appreciate me and I didn't believe he did. I don't know how she could stand to call herself my friend and let me cry to her while she was sleeping with my WH.

This hurts. =(

[This message edited by chefwifie at 10:07 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]

Ascendant posted 4/26/2014 22:08 PM

I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. The 2xB situation is so incredibly painful because not only are you betrayed, but you are also robbed of a vital part of your normal support system.

It. truly. fucking. sucks.

woundedby2 posted 4/26/2014 23:05 PM


It really does suck. Something that helped me was finding a DivorceCare group. I was able to talk to people in real life about what I was going through. Like SI, there is no judgment there.

I had a double-betrayal related trigger tonight that left me in tears. It was unexpected and painful. My DD was looking for some old pictures, and she couldn't find any of the older files on the computer, so I sat down to find the oldest pictures. Well, we started looking through them, and I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of loss and grief.

Seeing the smiling faces, the happy times, celebrations, vacations....everything he so willingly threw away. It was emotional. Adding to the pain is the fact that OW and her family is in so many of the pictures.

It wasn't always happy, happy, and thinking of the not-so-great times toward the end helped get me out of the funk tonight. Well, that and the wise-counsel of an SI friend.

Hugs to you all.

beautytoashes5 posted 4/29/2014 15:24 PM

Woundedby2--- I too have photo albums full of pics with the OW and her kids. I've destroyed most of them but that includes pics that my kids were in. It's so painful that so many memories are tainted by her. How could a woman want another woman's husband? She wanted my husband to leave us for her? How could I not see the evil in her? I feel so stupid & blind.

Ascendant posted 4/29/2014 19:05 PM

I'm in the same boat as a lot of you. Photo albums, wedding pictures, etc., all tainted because of the OM and of course, my wife.

HoldingTogether posted 4/29/2014 19:17 PM

I actually had our wedding album taken back to our original photographer(coincidentally the same photographer OM and his BS had used for their wedding. Not germane to this story but an interesting little factoid none the less) to have him excise all traces of OM and his BS from the album.

Wasn't easy since that fucktard was one of my groomsmen. Took some pretty creative photoshop work and we lost a few pictures entirely. Still though it was worth every damn penny to have it done. Just knowing that his pictures were in there had me right on the edge of throwing my wedding album on a fucking bonfire.

He's gone from it now thankfully, but I still haven't really looked through that album since the thorough inspection I gave it when it came back from the photographer....

So clearly it was only partially effective. Wouldn't really say it made the whole thing a distant memory for me or anything. Still glad I did it. One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation. Knowing he isn't in there should certainly help with that.


Ascendant posted 4/29/2014 19:24 PM

One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation.
This. One of the little 'extras' of the 2xB situation is a healthy dose of humiliation that comes along with having intertwined social circles, shared history, makes the 'mental NC' aspect of the affair 1000x more difficult, because not only are there constant reminders everywhere...but when you suddenly stop having a relationship with someone you previously were close with...people notice.

And ask how that person is doing.
And ask questions.
And whisper.
And eventually draw their own conclusions.
And wonder aloud "How did this happen right under their nose? How didn't they know? *I* would know."

I hatehatehate the fact that plenty of great memories feel 'tainted' by his presence.

beautytoashes5 posted 4/30/2014 14:14 PM

Ascendent---- yes! I've gone through the same thing... People asking me how OW is doing...
So humiliating... So shameful...
In my case there were rumors that something was going on between my WH & OW. I asked my husband but in the back of my mind that was so ridiculous! Why would he be with her???? OMG.... It's too much sometimes. So many memories shared and now tainted.

OneFootFirst posted 5/4/2014 00:51 AM

I finally told two of my friends about the A. One was stunned, and the other, when I revealed who the OW was, looked crestfallen, then shook her head, covered her mouth with her hand, and said "I knew it." Both have been magnificently supportive and sweet and wonderful and I owe another round of thanks to everyone here who told me I would feel better knowing I had someone to talk to. I do. The cat may leap out of the bag altogether one of these days in some way over which I have no control, but I'm not so afraid of it now.

I made so many decisions (or avoided making them) based on what I thought WH's reaction would be, what effect they would have on him. Knowing he was making so many decisions without any thought to their impact on my life has been pretty painful. I'm beginning to see now just how detrimental it is to live your life at either extreme. I have bad days (yesterday was one: OW broke NC. Screw you, you needy, backstabbing bitch!), but on the good days I can take advantage of the opportunity I have to build a strong, honest marriage and I am determined not to waste it.

isthismynewlife posted 5/5/2014 19:55 PM

My husband had a 16 month EA/4 month PA with my friend/neighbor who lives directly across the street. We've been close friends for over 6 years, our families doing so much together (both families have 3 kids) even vacationing together. WH and OW are both in education and have holidays and summers off. They spent lots of time together with all the kids and that is where this all started. She started sharing her marital problems (our husbands were also friends)and her pill/alcohol issue with my WH. Asked him not to tell me because she was too embarrassed (big red flag for most people, but not my H). It progressed from there until the L word dropped 8 months later. To be able to spend more time together the two of them kept planning all these great things to do together with our families. So many memories of what were good times are now ruined for me. I found out on Thanksgiving when I looked at his text messages. I confronted him immediately (he was at her house hanging out and watching football with OBS). That he would betray me this way, and she (who I thought was my friend and had talked to her about how my H was pulling away from me)did too is still so hard to believe. I have to see her on a daily basis as she is right across the street. I,of course, received the TT, and finally (due to my snooping in his email) found out that it was a PA 2 weeks after the initial DDay. OBS is aware of the EA but not the PA. I have come a long way since DDay, the sight of her no longer brings on panic attacks and i have managed a couple of conversations (one was just to confirm details my H gave me). There has been NC since Dec 7 between the two of them. WH took a couple months to come out of the fog, but he is now working so hard to help me. I am in IC, but due to a bad experience as a child he will not attend any MC or IC. Each day is a new experience, and I never know where I'll be. I will have some good days, but the bad still out number the good. Some days I just hope for a few good hours. Reading everyone's story on here has been really helpful. I have only told one friend (who had been thru a similar thing and managed to R) and have truly felt so alone. I can't tell my family - they would never be able to get past it if we are successful in R. It is so nice to have a safe place to tell my story.

bionicgal posted 5/7/2014 14:46 PM

Sorry you find yourself here - our stories are similar. We were also friends with them around 6 years, but close really only the last 2. It has been almost 11 months since dday, and we are right in the middle of affair season. It stinks, but we are getting better every day. In my H's case the A was only 2 months, but my understanding is that they usually go on about 2 years.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. It is tricky and painful when there are kids, and friends, involved. I particularly miss the OBS, and worry for him, as I think the AP is somewhat unremorseful from what I have seen. (She feels bad about it, but in a self-serving way.)

I am so sorry you are right across the street. . we live a few blocks away and that even feels too close!

OneFootFirst posted 5/24/2014 14:49 PM

We never sat down and did an official NC letter. WH cut off all contact with (XF)OW on Dday, "unfriending" her, removing her from his contact lists, blocking her # on his phone. That seemed to do the trick, but she has contacted him (and forwarded me the e-mail with an additional note just for lucky me) and e-mailed me directly twice this month. She wants an apology from WH, since she feels she was manipulated and used.

HAHAHAHAHA. Like I am going to suggest to him that he apologize to her, a willing AP. Nope. She also claims she has tried writing a sufficient apology to me, but nothing seems right. No shit.

Do we now, 2 1/2 months out, send a letter? We both feel like any kind of response to her contact would open the door for her to respond again, and it seriously takes me a week minimum to stop walking around in a haze of fury every time I hear from her.
Also, the only e-mail address I have for the OBH is his work e-mail, or I would have forwarded all the e-mails to be sure he knew she had contacted us. It felt inappropriate to send them to his work e-mail. I could text him to ask if he knows, but is that just picking at scabs? How fucked up is it that I feel like a tattle-tale?
I think maybe I know the answer, that I would want to know from him if WH had made contact, but I'm still torn. OBH is not a super rational person. Let your wisdom rain down upon me, SI gurus.

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