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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We never sat down and did an official NC letter. WH cut off all contact with (XF)OW on Dday, "unfriending" her, removing her from his contact lists, blocking her # on his phone. That seemed to do the trick, but she has contacted him (and forwarded me the e-mail with an additional note just for lucky me) and e-mailed me directly twice this month. She wants an apology from WH, since she feels she was manipulated and used.

HAHAHAHAHA. Like I am going to suggest to him that he apologize to her, a willing AP. Nope. She also claims she has tried writing a sufficient apology to me, but nothing seems right. No shit.

Do we now, 2 1/2 months out, send a letter? We both feel like any kind of response to her contact would open the door for her to respond again, and it seriously takes me a week minimum to stop walking around in a haze of fury every time I hear from her.
Also, the only e-mail address I have for the OBH is his work e-mail, or I would have forwarded all the e-mails to be sure he knew she had contacted us. It felt inappropriate to send them to his work e-mail. I could text him to ask if he knows, but is that just picking at scabs? How fucked up is it that I feel like a tattle-tale?
I think maybe I know the answer, that I would want to know from him if WH had made contact, but I'm still torn. OBH is not a super rational person. Let your wisdom rain down upon me, SI gurus.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she hasbeen cut off , just leave her be.

I recently ended up having contact with the AP and it set me back weeks !


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, littleflower. I feel like I keep asking the same sort of question (in slightly different context) over and over. One more vote for leaving it alone is all I need.
I'm sorry about your recent contact. OW has pretty much been hiding out since Dday, so the face to face hasn't happened yet for me even though we live in a small town. My heart goes out to those who have to see these people on a regular basis. Ugh.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one thing I did get from contact with the OW was that , yes , she truly is a nut bar .
Hope the OW stays in hiding for you , or even better, she moves away ! :)


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
MakingMyFuture
♀ Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: making contact, outside of informing her husband I initially made no contact (they are temporarily out of US but with the long term goal of moving back). When I found out 5 months after D-day that 2 months earlier they had talked on the phone a few times (so my WH could apologize for ruining her life (WTF?!?) and commiserate on how difficult the BS's were making things for them I had HAD IT! I set up a temp email account and emailed her with a cc to ABH explaining how she had betrayed me and making it clear that if she had any contact or I even heard in the future that she was in the same county I would publish the nasty photos and videos of her masturbating so any woman she comes into contact with in the future will know exactly what kind of friend she is.

I took the high road and left out the part about her being a nasty whore and the only reason I didn't go 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' on her and get it permanently inked on her forehead was out of respect for her BH and children...something she is clearly lacking.

Then I deleted the account. I felt much better and re-reading that email still gives me comfort. There is nothing to be gained from confronting directly as no apology will suffice and it would just give AP an oppty to hurt you more...something they have already shown they are capable of doing.


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8


Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2014
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MMF, aren't BSes just the WORST? Making things difficult indeed. Ppthht.

WH butt-dialed OW twice yesterday before he realized what had happened (he has her # in his phone so he can block her calls). She's since been buried at the end of his contacts list to avoid a repeat, but I bet that threw her whole weekend off.

lf, I would say "you have no idea how happy I'd be if she moved," but I think you probably have a very good idea!

Thanks to all once again for being awesome. Been feeling pretty isolated lately despite being very busy. It helps to check in here and be reminded what a good support system this is.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H made the NC phone call to end it with OW without me being there, which caused some friction to say the least. After that call, she tried to contact my H at least 1/month for 4 months. We discussed that he should not respond at all to her, b/c I was afraid that any response would open a can of worms. But finally, after her last attempt, I couldn't take it anymore. Who the hell did this person think she was? I needed her to go the eff away and she needed to know that. We wrote up an NC text together, sent by him, which was much more direct and harsher than his phone call to her. That seems to have done the trick.

For your situation, my vote is that if she sends another note to you or WH, respond and tell her that if you hear from her ever again, you're forwarding the emails directly to her BH. Who cares if you seem like a tattle tale (which you don't)? She doesn't want to go quietly, but she needs to for you to heal. Do what is right for you.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
isthismynewlife
♀ Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Odd part of the double betrayal for me - at times I tend to forget she's not my friend anymore. Just little stuff like a rep I deal with gave me a bottle of wine. WH isn't a wine drinker and every other time I've been given wine I'd call my former friend and we'd get together and share it. So when it happened recently my brain automatically went to "oh I'll call *bitch* and we can share it". Then came the hell no reaction, then anger at my WH for choosing my friend of all the freakin people in the world to F*** around with, then the hurt. I can't wait until I'm far enough out that the first "friend" I think about in a happy situation is not her! This happen to anyone else? So frustrating.


Me 42 BS
Him 42 WS
DDay #1 11/28/13 - 7 months EA/a little PA with my supposed friend.
DDAy #2 8/25/14 - oops - did I forget to mention that it was a 15 month PA/EA? He thought the first version would hurt me less.
Everyday is a struggle.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Apr 2014
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW affair #1 was a Double. With a good friend and x-family member by marraige.

It was so sick and twisted, only Satan himself (not his henchmen) could have conceived and carried out this most horrible and gross affair.

hold on...

Sorry about that, the thought 13 years later is truly disgusting.

Thank God for his Grace in surviving that without taking my own life to escape the madness.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Posts: 740 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isthismynewlife:

Odd part of the double betrayal for me - at times I tend to forget she's not my friend anymore. Just little stuff like a rep I deal with gave me a bottle of wine. WH isn't a wine drinker and every other time I've been given wine I'd call my former friend and we'd get together and share it. So when it happened recently my brain automatically went to "oh I'll call *bitch* and we can share it". Then came the hell no reaction, then anger at my WH for choosing my friend of all the freakin people in the world to F*** around with, then the hurt. I can't wait until I'm far enough out that the first "friend" I think about in a happy situation is not her! This happen to anyone else? So frustrating.

I am now 4 years and almost 2 months out and this improves. To save you from having to read my profile, OW and I had been BFF's since we were about 2. Our parents were great friends and we did everything together. This lasted into adulthood, she was my maid of honor and my second daughter has her middle name.

28 year friendship as I found out a couple months after I turned 30.

Anyway, she still comes up in my mind about wanting to call, or text, or get together and go to lunch/shopping. However, it is easily dismissed. I have also started friendships in the past two years, though very guarded and not nearly as close as OW and I were, but I do have people to text and occasionally call.

But, mostly, I am my own best friend. Losing her and having my husband betray me actually made me work hard in IC to be content within myself. I was someone who looked for validation everywhere but within, and now I do the opposite. It has been freeing and gives me a sense of relief. Even 4 years out, I still go to IC. My fWH started IC about 2 weeks ago after years of encouragement.

All that to say, it does get better. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 1:43 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW's OM was a friend of mine. She met him before I did as they worked together. Later I worked with him and instantly we got along as we had certain common interests. He always used to say how his wife wasn't into this and that and me and FWW were. I never really caught on to it but he envied me. In hindsight I can see it now. (20/20).

He's a good guy. Nice guy, but he's got a hidden demon. I miss him as we used to talk lots. But what he did just baffles my mind. How can he do this? Even if he's always had feelings for my wife, she's MARRIED and he's MARRIED.

Just a few weeks ago my wife revealed to me that he had been flirting with her since 2007 and probably before that too. She stopped him at one point and then he stopped. Looks like he was always after her. Freak'n DOUCHE!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW's OM was a friend of mine. She met him before I did as they worked together. Later I worked with him and instantly we got along as we had certain common interests. He always used to say how his wife wasn't into this and that and me and FWW were. I never really caught on to it but he envied me. In hindsight I can see it now. (20/20).
He's a good guy. Nice guy, but he's got a hidden demon. I miss him as we used to talk lots. But what he did just baffles my mind. How can he do this? Even if he's always had feelings for my wife, she's MARRIED and he's MARRIED.

Just a few weeks ago my wife revealed to me that he had been flirting with her since 2007 and probably before that too. She stopped him at one point and then he stopped. Looks like he was always after her. Freak'n DOUCHE!

This all holds true for me, as well.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ascendant - Sorry to hear. Glad I am in good company.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much for hoping they would just move away when their lease was up. OW/XBFF and her BH are buying property two driveways down from the only family we have living in the area.

Logically I know the anger is unhealthy. I know I'm letting her live rent-free in my head. I know, I know, I know. But I am so angry right now.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenheartedWif
♀ Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, September 4th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OneFootFirst)))

At least you're getting out some of your anger at something you can't control, instead of holding it inside and letting it eat you up.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
ukerzouker
♀ New Member
Member # 44607
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still very close to D-Day, only about three weeks out. While not my very best friend, the OW was the friend I probably would have turned to had it not been her.

She and I had so much in common, and in fact she was the first person I told when my WH and I started dating.

I think what makes it hard is that I can work through my feelings with my husband, but I can't with her. I told her on D Day that I was no longer her friend and she needed to leave me alone. A week later when she tried to contact him via email, he sent it to me without replying.

I think that's the hardest part to get over. It's like I didn't even exist for her anymore. This woman I loved and cared for for years, and I was nothing compared to someone she'd been cheating on her husband with for two months. I was nothing to her, how could I be for her to do this to me and then betray me all over by trying to initiate contact.

And despite all of this, I miss my friend. Or at least the friend I thought I had. The friend I know I had at one point.


BW (me) - 31
WH - 34
Married 12/28/2013, together since 3/2010
D-Day 8/19/2014, EA since 4/1/2014
Moving toward R.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
UnwiseOne
♀ Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 13th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first post:

Two weeks ago WH confessed in the afternoon. He had to, because my BFF apparently had confessed that morning to her husband. The A was only one time ( about 6 hours previous to the Confession), and they didn't have sex, but if they hadn't been caught by police, they would have had sex.

I am so raw. Our families have been friends for about 20 years. OW was not only my best friend, but my only friend. I'm an introvert. I prefer to keep my social circle small. She and I have children the same age - older teens/young 20s. I am in shock. Every day is different. Some good- some bad. I miss her terribly.

After WH confessed, I wanted to disappear into a hole. Within a few hours, I had decided somehow, with God's strength, I was going to survive & I wanted my marriage to survive.

I texted with my best friend for about a week. I asked her to give me all the details- I needed to know. They'd been texting for probably a year, but the last month or so, they had both crossed the line & the texts became sexual. Her husband came over to my house and eviscerated WH with his words, telling him he was no longer welcome at their house...blah blah blah. I almost called the police because I thought if might get physical.

Her husband has been so cruel to my BFF since she confessed. He is abusing her psychologically and it scares me. I think he might actually break her mind. In spite of this betrayal, I still love her.

WH and I have been experiencing the so-called hysterical bonding. It's been amazing. It's been horrific. It's my life right now. What planet am I on?


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (42) NotJamesBond
Married: 21 yrs
Children: 17, 19, 20
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: 10-27-14 WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA), 3(LTA), 2, and 1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
On Planet WTF

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2014
UnwiseOne
♀ Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 13th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to our second marriage counseling session today. I have so much hope for the future !

But as for me and my BFF/OW, the counselor pointed out how really messed up she is. By telling my story it's become apparent, she had been having issues before the day of the A. Her husband doesn't want us to have contact anyway, so I will not contact her. We said our goodbyes in a 2.5 hour phone call a few days ago anyway. Out of respect for her husband, I agreed to no contact. But, today I realized I needed the no contact for me and for my marriage.

I will miss her. But, did I ever really know her?


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (42) NotJamesBond
Married: 21 yrs
Children: 17, 19, 20
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: 10-27-14 WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA), 3(LTA), 2, and 1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
On Planet WTF

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2014
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 13th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And despite all of this, I miss my friend. Or at least the friend I thought I had. The friend I know I had at one point.
This is really true, and really upsetting.

I still have moments where I think of something funny and who I'm going to tell about it and my mind goes to OM. Sucks.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, did I ever really know her?

This is where I finally got with the AP. We weren't BFF, but fairly close friends, and our families were close. It was very violating to say the least, as she used info from me to work her way in to my husband. I was totally blindsided.

You may find unwise one, that little things will start to come up in your memory that start to paint a different picture of your friend than what you thought. Sometimes things they do after dday contribute to this as well. I now see the AP as a deeply unhappy and narcissistic person, one who didn't care who she hurt to try to self-medicate herself. She is also a heavy drinker, so it was all really the same thing -- escape.

Hugs to you.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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