I know what you mean about how it is difficult with the other things like xbox, instagram, and all other ways these kids are communicating now. When OW/xBFF's daughter found me on YouTube, she asked me if I had a FB or an instagram. I didn't bother informing her that when her idiotic mother set up her FB, that she blocked me and fWH from it. I seen the FB within a month of it being creative due to my intense investigative mode that I was in. It was months later that OW's daughter contacted me, and I thought about telling her, then kept it exactly the way it should have been. Likely, OW was just doing it to protect her daughter, can I really fault her for that???
Now that my girls are getting to the age of instagram, I worry OW's daughter might try to contact them. They were 7 and 8 when this happened, so they must remember her.. I don't know if they do or not, a few weeks of trying to keep it from them and I couldn't take the constant begging from them to have "Aunt" and "cousin" over. I finally told H I couldn't take it and he had to have a little chat with them about how their "Aunt" would never be coming around again. I don't think at that age they would have really understood "infidelity", so there was never a good explanation other than "Aunt hurt Momma really bad" and "don't ever bring her up"
And they never have.
If you find someone who walks in my shoes, please tell them to PM me.
Wow, sounds like we had the same so-called "friends". I also feel that my OW's H was partially an instigator and escalated the situation. They were also long-term friends of ours, and the situation completely nuked various aspects of our social circle.
I am sorry you are here with a triple betrayal as well. It's a completely fucked up, sick kind of infidelity. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. People who encourage their spouses to have affairs with other people so they can get off on the illicitness and other people's pain...that's a special breed of sociopath right there.
My BF's H has been acting the same way. Sent me a text that "they did not have intercourse". How he would never let another man put his junk in his wife. OK "Clinton", oral sex is OK? He is seriously dillusional!
At least you knew the kind of "marriage" they had. I did not. I knew BF's H was way too flirtatious especially when drunk and it actually made me feel sorry for my friend. I had no idea she was in on it too.
After I caught them she has sworn it has NEVER happened with anyone else including my WH and she has been married for over 20 years.
I refuse to talk with her or her H anymore. I blocked them on FB and do not respond to any texts. I am going to block her email as soon as I send this.
Do you think you and your WH will get past this? Do you still think about it all the time? If not, how long can you go without thinking about it? I know everyone is different but just curious as to when I might start to feel less pain.
BS: me 42
Married almost 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed for LS - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and my BF while her H watched.
The double betrayal part is now much harder for me to deal with than my husband's betrayal, actually. But that is because he has been remorseful and has spent countless hours since then trying to work it out with me, apologizing, talking about it, etc. I've done a lot of processing with him, and he's worked a lot on the issues that allowed him to go there with the OW, lie, sneak around, etc.
But there was no closure with my "friends". They never explained or apologized. I still can't even figure out why the OW did what she did. It's just so crazy and sick and such a horrible thing to do to a close friend that I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't understand why OW's H was so cruel to me afterwards, how any sane, ethical person could ever stand next to his wife and deliberately encourage her to do sexual things with her friend's monogamous husband, her friend who knew nothing and trusted and loved all of them, and all of them knew it would devastate me.
I will never understand any of these things, so of course I ruminate about it all the time.
[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)]
7 months is a very short time. I know that likely feels discouraging, but each day you press on, it will get easier.
It took a lot of time for me to give up on "the why's". I did a lot of "why's" to my fWH, and finally just realized there were no answers. And the "why's" still sneak into my head about OW/xBFF from time to time.
Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter? Why would she tell people the lies she did about me? Why would she pretend she was doing me favors when coming over, when really it was so she could have sex with MY husband?
The why's are endless. I fully realize there are no answers to these why's either, but I feel like there should be. The best my MC could do for me is talk about how jealousy is such an evil sin, and it can overtake a person. I guess that is my only "why".. Although, I could leave it at she is just plain evil.
I'm just realizing that it has been 4.5 years since I became a part of this club. I'm not any closer to healing. My SIL (and very close friend) had an affair with my xH. She is still married to my brother. I haven't seen either or them, nor my baby niece in all this this time. She must be nearly 5 by now, and only lives 45 minutes away.
I have only spoken to my brother a couple of times in the past 4.5 years. I invited his family to my daughter's birthday last year- he declined, and said that he "was not ready". (his wife had the affair; I did nothing)...he's apparently protecting her (?)
I am letting this anger and resentment take away any relationship I could have with my niece. I'm so sad over this, and yet I don't know how to forgive. I want to know my niece. I want my girls to know their cousin. I cannot forgive her.
I've forgiven my ex for his multiple affairs. I just don't care about it anymore. I am more concerned with his ongoing verbal abuse; maybe the abuse has just taken precedent over the lies.
How has 4.5 years past already? Why does it seem as vivid as if it were yesterday? Is my life just going to flitter away, wasted by negative energy? How can I ever get past it?
"People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." -Don Draper.
Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter?
I understand - similar situation, here. And now it appears the AP has told her kids to not speak to me (probably us), after OBS and I had agreed to try to keep it as congenial between the kids as possible. I spoke to them the other day 7 months out (they are 7 and 10) and was clearly rebuffed. Also, AP did the same to my son a couple of months back. Who would do that?
We live in a small city, and the two couples spent a lot of time together for a couple of years - we have many of of the same mutual friends. It has been a real struggle to try to keep things as normal as possible for our son.
As far as the APs motivations - it was always about them. So, you can't make someone not be narcissistic. That, and they are profoundly broken. I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life. I am glad he confessed after thinking I found out after a relatively short amount of time.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life.
OMG this! Oddly enough, fWH and OW/xBFF had "broken up" 3 or 4 times throughout the A. They were in the middle of getting ready to "break up" again when I found out.
OW/xBFF was super pissed at fWH because he had told her he was never going to leave. After months of fighting, she finally asked him "well then will you just have us both"?
I am completely confused by how someone would want to be the OW forever. How can this be someone's ultimate resolve?? If he won't have me only, maybe he can have us both!? This is insane.
Then, when her and I spoke after discovery (and she informed me she always knew deep down this is how it would end, but she hoped it hadn't), she said "well, he told me if I waited until the kids were all grown, he would come back for me"
Really idiot?? My baby was 5 weeks old when she said this. So she was going to wait EIGHTEEN years???? Wow.. How P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C!
He did admit to me to saying this, he said he was sure she would find someone else and that was just something to appease her at that time of "break up". People say the darnedest (and most idiotic) things in affairs.
[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 10:07 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
Still working on our marriage, moving in good direction
I have forgiven my husband, but I feel like I need some closure with my former friend. I can't stop thinking about the depth of her betrayal. We socialized with her and her husband during the whole affair, and I was oblivious! I feel like such a stupid fool! I cannot fully heal with this terrible jealousy, hatred, and anger in my heart.
Here is my question... Should I contact her and try to get some closure? I just feel like I need to hear her apologize and ask for forgiveness. I would appreciate any advice you guys can give me.
I've got to find some way to forgive her so I can move forward. The resentment is literally making me sick. She is already out of my life, now I need to get her out of my head.
I hope you can find some peace in your heart. I have felt anger towards OW lately, but deep down I pity her. I am so glad I don't have to wake up in the morning and be her, as hard as it is to be me some mornings. At least I can look at myself as a good, honorable and worthy person.
..just wondering if bringing up your suspicions at IC will just push him to be extra cautious and go into gaslighting and denial mode.
..could you hire a PI to track them both for positive proof?
..hope you can get to better days..
It seems like really simple concept, but I think it's one of those areas that may differ between the genders. From my experience, it's a lot more common for a female to tell her friend (or someone else) that her friend hurt her, or hurt her feelings.
As a guy, I don't think it comes quite so easily. We're much quicker to say that we're pissed at another guy, or we're going to kick his ass, before we say that another guy hurt us emotionally.
Not that there's any shame in saying it, it just doesn't come naturally to us, at least initially.
Well, I am finally saying it: my friend hurt me. He, in conjunction with my wife, hurt me. He took advantage of my trust and he stabbed me in the back.
Someone upthread mentioned not getting any closure with your friend, and I totally agree with that. It's one of the most angering and frustrating aspects of this garbage. Upon DDAY1, I have never heard from him again. He has never apologized for his role in wrecking my life temporarily. And the few snippets of info I get from other sources seem to indicate that while his life is shit, he has exhibited no remorse, only righteousness.
I don't know how to deal with this yet.