SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
I am part of this awful club now. You think you know and love two people, and they just devastate you on so many levels.
I belong to the club nobody wants to belong too. My husband had a LTA with a close family friend. I've known her for 18 years. She went on family vacations with us. She celebrated our children's birthdays. We celebrated her kids birthdays. It's heartbreaking. It's insane. I question all my relationships because I trusted this woman around my family. Even when I heard rumors about my husband and the OW, I could not believe it. I confronted my husband about the rumors. He denied and denied. How could I be so blind?????
Every day that I do not drive to my former BFF's house and snatch her bald is a success in my book.
At least my stbx has had to suffer a bit with the kids being angry with him, he has had to see how much he hurt me, etc. She just ran away and never even apologized. Some friend. I would have taken a bullet for her. I guess in a way, I did.
You know, I asked for an apology from my "friend" of 8ish years, and got one, and it was like the Muzak of apologies -- like cotton candy. It had so little substance, I am surprised that words even appeared on the paper. So. . . I don't know. It isn't as helpful as you might think that she made the effort - such as it was. (She, a 40+ year old woman, referenced an obscure song in the first few lines of the apology, and the proceeded to tell me that it didn't capture all she was trying to say. Like, I was going to go and Google a f-ing song so that I could decipher her apology? What are we, 13? Geez. I obviously still get angry thinking about it.)
On the other hand, I feel like my H wrote a reasonable apology to the OBS (who was a friend), so it can be done. But, our MC said in all his years of practice that my H was the only man who had ever written an apology to the OBS. So, like everything else with affairs - I wouldn't take it personally.
I know that doesn't help at all!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:46 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]
I never got an apology. She just dropped out if my life...I haven't seen or heard from her since DDay. I used to want an apology...I deserved at least that right? Now I realise that I don't need anything from her except what she's giving me...complete NC with me and wh. Would an apology have made me feel better? No. I realise that now.
Most people are surprised that I didn't hunt her down and confront her or send her nasty texts (some of our mural friends did...which I enjoyed) but there are no words that I can say to her that will express my anger and hatred for her...and if she made some comment about my husband I'd lose it and I can't give her the power to get to me like that.
Now OBS and WH are a different situation. OBS hated wh for about 6 months and then he slowly let wh back into his life and a year later they spend more time hanging out then ever before. I've told OBS that I don't know how he looks WH in the face after everything...somehow he does though. Keep in mind wh got ow pregnant (always a chance it wasn't his baby she had another boyfriend besides my husband...she had an abortion so we don't have to find out) OBS has a zero sperm count and couldn't get his wife pregnant...they did IUI with doner sperm for three month and it didn't work...she slept with my husband for three months and got pregnant that's a pretty big betrayal. Add to the list that wh and ow had sex in OBS house and car well he was away working and paying for her to have some time off well she figured out what she wanted to do next. I struggle to understand how he could forgive all that? I would never forgive ow...ever I'm not even totally sure I will ever forgive wh.
OBS and ow are divorced and NC...obviously I wouldn't allow OBS and wh to be friends if OW was still in the picture. She left OBS for OM #2....classy girl she turned out to be.
I don't want an apology from OW. There is nothing she could say to me that I would want to hear. Friends who betray you, manipulate you to wedge themselves between you and your spouse--these are people who don't feel remorse or empathy. They are narcissists and what sort of apology would I expect to receive from someone like that? I know the OW in my case is not sorry, that she enjoyed being the sadistic bitch who had power over me, who used what information I gave her in "friendly" conversation against me and my family, that I represented someone from her past that she felt she had to put in their place.
OW is a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. She is a miserable person who does not deserve even the chance to apologize for her actions.
Sounds a little bitter, huh?
I feel like, after 26 years of being BEST FRIENDS, the least she owed me was an apology. I kept her nasty secret about her PA with the pedophile for her for a year, even though it left a bad taste in my mouth. I was beyond loyal to her.
I know she is a narcissist. I know she has the self-esteem of a slug. But I can't imagine how she can stand in front of her church every Sunday and sing in the Praise Choir and pretend to be a good person and she couldn't even, 1)Leave my husband alone and 2)Not apologize for not doing number 1.
I'll be dreaming of setting her on fire all day today, because that is what they used to do to WITCHES.
I am sadly part of this club too
What I am going to do about it, that I don't know. I work with this woman, right along side her. She was not only my friend she IS my co-worker. Not only did both my H and her have an affair, they also screwed with my place of employment. I am the one that looses.
Since I am only 2 weeks out from D-Day I have no idea of what I should do. I have gone to my employer and told them the situation and they gave me a 6 month LOA. I have also filed for Employment Insurance and have qualified for 15 weeks of sick benefits that my doctor has signed off on for severe trauma (No kidding!!)
I have outed her to EVERYONE!! She is older (50, my H just turned 40! I am 37.) My friends and hers have all turned against her and no one at work will talk to her. (Pity)What the hell did she expect? She tried to contact me on FB and apologize, she didn't mean to do it, Im sorry for hurting you, please forgive me blah blah blah..I have since blocked her. She of course is now playing the victim card, saying it was all him. Bitch please you slept with a married man, you knew what you were doing, you were out to destroy me! She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work that night. Ugh how was I so blind? How could I be so trusting? So fucking dumb.
My union rep is taking my H phone to meetings this month to show to the president.. to show that she had intent (texting him about her and her sexy lingerie and to leave me and the kids) to see what she can do. My union rep wants to see if some kind of precedent can be set,because it affects the employment of one of their employees. I have been told that I could transfer stores but would loose the senority I have, hence starting all over again. Why should I have to leave? She should have to leave and my union rep is going to try her hardest to get her to transfer. She has ruined the vibe in our company, so many people are mad at her (there are a lot of married couples in that place that are just revolted). They want me to come back, and not to quit, but how do I do that? What if she is there? (My scheduler said she would do her best to put us in different depts.)I don't know how I would react, right now would be with rage. How would I not feel shame? Hold my head up high? When I feel so low..how do I do that?
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. GOOD for you on telling everyone about the OW. She doesn't deserve to have her bad moral choices kept secret.
I told everyone too. The OW was so embarrassed at her work place, that she walked out and never came back. I told her almost X husband, and he filed for custody and won. I told the whole town, and our mutual pastor called her and told her to leave me and my husband alone. She couldn't move out of that town fast enough! So good for you, I hope she runs away with her tail between her legs.
It's just not a fair game. You are just sailing through life being married, and she is playing this game with your husband and his feelings. How can you play a game that you don't know has even started?
She is the trampy OW, not you. You can hold your head up because you have morals. She WILL be the one who is ashamed. She will have to hang her head. She is a marriage wrecker. Everyone will feel bad for you because you were attacked. They will want to be friends with you, and she won't be included in the lunch plans. No one wants to be around someone who has loose morals and might try something with their husbands.
Hang in there.
I am so sorry you are part of this club!!! (((Hugs)))
The MOW in my case thought all the neighbors would hate me when the affair came out. She told me that. Also discussed with my husband a couple of times. She would tell him (my husband) the neighbors would be shocked but that she would remain friends with all of them. My husband would think you are crazy to think that but ok?!?! Friends were very very very important to her. So when it came out she confesses to them like she is the victim. Well that did not last. They all got her number after awhile and dumped her. Well she blamed me for her not having friends she even had her husband call and tell me that!!! Crazy crazy. Well they put up the house for sale and lost 30000 something thousand dollars because she could not stay with no friends! Thank God!!!!!! I prayed hard for that house to sell!
Maybe you should tell her she needs to find another job! I am sure she is properly looking because she is very uncomfortable there. Unless she is insane. Which could very well be.
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
My first post here.
My H had an EA with my SIL.
It's been a little over 2 years and I still don't know what to do.
H is remorseful and has done most of what he should be doing. I guess. I go back and forth. He says he will wait for me to decide. That he will still be here.
Sometimes I think things will be OK and then something will happen to remind me that what he has done has totally messed up my family. I do talk to my brother but he doesn't want anything to do with my H. I don't blame at all because that's exactly how I feel. All of my family know. H told his own family as well (when I insisted - if my family had to know, then so did his).
There is some good - my Bro and SIL are getting divorced. I think this was just the last straw in a relationship with multiple A's on both sides. Their D does make it easier for me to visit him and his kids. But I don't bring H. And H hasn't been to any of my family gatherings since. Since discovery happened over Xmas holidays, I have not visited my family during that holiday the last two years. I find other times to visit, especially to see my parents who are getting older.
This will be my life if I stay.
So I guess I'm looking for someone who has gotten through a similar situation. And stayed together? And are happy?
(I know that's a lot to ask for!)
Is it possible?
The double betrayal is a special kind of hell. I am 9 months past DDay and in R. This kind of event puts a pretty big dent in the ability to trust. I'm mad at them both but my "best friend" and my daughter's godmother is especially hard to stomach. However, the person I'm mad at the most is myself. How could I be so arrogant to think this could never happen to me? How could I ignore my gut when red flags were going off like crazy? How could I be so dumb? My therapist says that its a good thing that I am shocked, that it means I'm a trusting person. Well, I dont see it. I just think I'm a stupid idiot that let a conniving bitch get the better of me. I was such a good friend to her and she re-paid me by seducing my husband using all the "inside" information she had gleaned from me over the years. She used our girl talk to weasle her way in and manipulate my husbands weaknesses. My husband isnt off the hook but he was no match for her narcissistic ways. I practically gave her a blueprint to lure away my H..
Is it strange to feel more anger toward my x-BFF than my WW?
I am soooo angry with the OW, I hate her and what she did - but just today my WH ask why would I be more angry with her when his betrayal is far worse and he then said that I was most likely directing my anger with him at her .
He's partly right
Or maybe it's just that I deal with the anger at him because he is right there and she is long gone - NC for 2.5 months
She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work
I'm sorry Brokengirl37. I understand this all too well.
Your story is very similar to mine, from the MOW being your coworker gathering info, right down the LOA and the union involvement.
I know that you are going through so much right now, and to have it not only affect your family, friendship and your work as well, multiplies the injury.
The costs to me were far too high. I hope that you can get the support you need here and at your workplace. There is no reason for your seniority to be affected by her bad decision making. I am glad that your union rep is being supportive, my experience was the opposite, because she was the president of the union, in the workplace. So that was an extra complication for me. I am so glad that is where our stories differ.
She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from workCount me in on this aspect as well. My wife's AP was the guy that I'd have a beer with and talk about life's troubles and annoyances, both within and outside of my marriage. I can't help but feel it gave him the inside track.
At least once a day I suppress the urge to call the x BF/OW and tell her what a stupid slapper she is.
does that happen to everyone else too?
I was such a good friend to her and she re-paid me by seducing my husband using all the "inside" information she had gleaned from me over the years. She used our girl talk to weasle her way in and manipulate my husbands weaknesses. My husband isnt off the hook but he was no match for her narcissistic ways. I practically gave her a blueprint to lure away my H..
Yeah - true for me as well, although most of our talk was between us and her and her husband. But, she knew my H's insecurities, his FOO stuff, and my worries about what his Achille's heel was, and my being upset over his excessive work travel, and totally used those things to weasel her way in. In fact, that is how she is known around here these days . . the weasel.
But you know what, I also think she knew how much I loved my H, and deep down, she must've known how much he loved me as well. I know for certain, that what she wanted was parts of our relationship, in a way.
Yes, she got to feel powerful for a while because she got to get a good man to set his wife aside (there's something to be proud of!), but the minute I found out about the affair, the fact that there was never a choice between us became crystal clear.
All she really did was set herself up to be used, and you know, my H feels bad about that now in retrospect, but he also sees her for who she is.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:14 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]
Sorry you find yourself here!
My xfreind used what I was telling her about his state of mind and she used that as an in! I know it hurts and you are mad. You should be! I am often singing a song I made up about her "the Slutie slut" it also makes me realize she is not in the same league as me.
Think about this
You are a good person
Friend, wife and etc..
You can look at yourself in the mirror
And smile and be proud of yourself
You are honest
You have integrity
You have class
You have people who love you
You have friends that can trust you
You can walk around with your head up high
She can never ever compete with you on so many more levels!!
Think about how much better of a human being your are!
Sometimes this helps me.
Almost a year ago I learned that my husband of almost 12 years had been having a sexual affair for three years with a woman I considered a close friend. We have two children together and she has 3 with her long-time partner (not married). Our oldest children were best friends and we used to be neighbors.
We spent a lot of time all together and I really enjoyed her and her husband's friendship and loved their children.
Some days I am not sure who I am more furious at. I think that she pretended to be my friend in order to have access to my husband.
I learned that she was also having other affairs before and/or during the time she was having an affair with my husband and I learned that she was an untreated sex addict and was also being assessed for chemical (drug/alcohol addiction). One of the other people she was cheating with was another female friend of ours who is also married and has three children.
Sometimes I see her as a kind of predator. I am so disguised by her. She knew that her partner lived with Herpes but did not disclose this…my husband had unprotected sex with her (and she doesn't use birth control). I was so furious at both her and my husband when I learned that they did not use protection. She is a doctor and my husband is a nurse…you would think two health professionals would have the sense to use protection. I can thank only God that I do not have Herpes and that she did not get pregnant by my husband.
This whole experience has been so hurtful and humiliating. I am new to this site and I am hoping that being able to share here will help me.
Wow , SolsticeMoon
That OW sounds all kinds of messed up !
Has she been outed ? Dose her partner know ?
It helps me to read about other people whose child(ren) were friends with the AP's children. My daughter is only 8 now and the AP's son is 7, they were BFFs for about 5 years and we have NC now, but I worry that one day when she is older she will reach out to reconnect with him. She stills asks for him and about him and doesn't understand why she can't be friends with him anymore.
We had been neighbors at one point, we lived in the same metro area when I found out and we have since move cross country.
I hate that my husband's affair caused my child her friend.