I don't know what I'm going to do.
More gently, nothing good will come of this unless and until you get some serious help for yourself to keep you safe. (((Ambermoon)))
[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:01 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]
This sucks and you are walking through hell. I know. But every time I feel sucked into remembering how it was, how much I loved him, I remember who he really is right now and that I do NOT want a husband who lies, deceives and cheats on me. I deserve so much more. So do you.
You will uncover an inner strength that will carry you through.
He keeps telling you what you love and what you think. And that's why you're so confused. You said something you should repeat to yourself over and over. "I don't feel any better talking to him". Remember that. And ask yourself why you would continue to talk to him if it doesn't make you feel good. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than feeling loved because he loves having sex.
Yes, this guy will go this far to have sex with you. When I left a relationship exactly like this, after repeatedly getting sucked back in my him, he went completely off the rails trying to win the sex back. Note. I didn't say win me back. This was not about me. It was about his gratification and that was all that mattered. And his idea of great sex was abusive aggressive sex which I was slowly groomed to put up with. Understanding that difference was what made me be able to stick with shutting him out. Even after he would send roses to my office (which I refused) wrote poetry to me in the local paper, left notes on my car, in my house while I was at work and on and on and on. For years. I eventually filed stalking charges.
I genuinely feel horrible for you. I so remember what it was like to be in this kind of relationship. I got into it right after my divorce because my husband left me for his best friend's wife. I had zero self esteem and this guy knew it. I was an easy target and he knew just how to keep me there. By keeping me confused and off balance. Reading your posts is like hitting the replay button for me. I'm praying for you to keep focused and stand firm. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
Codependent No More
Women That Love too Much
Why Does He do That?
keep posting Ambermoon. We are here for you.
PS..breaking up with someone like your man is harder than a break-up with an emotionally healthy partner. It is like breaking an addiction for the abuse victim.... Please visit the NPD forum on the I can Relate forum on this site.
We are back together and we are already having issues. I am seeing more each day that this relationship has destroyed my self esteem and my emotional well being. And I think this is triggering some major abandonment issues that I didn't even know I had because I feel paralyzed by fear if I feel he doesn't want me anymore. I feel like even though I am unsure if I want him. I have to know he wants me and is there for me.
He somehow convinced me that he doesn't know who the person was that sent him the half naked picture. He said he has never seen her before or talked to her. He said put the rubber packages in his bed on purpose so I would find them because he was so mad that I broke up with him and that I hurt him so deeply he wanted to hurt me back. He said he only texted me about wanting sex to hurt me. He said that he swears on his son's life that he has never cheated on me. He said why would I cheat? You give me everything I want and need and it is the best sex of my life. I have no desire for anyone but you. He said it is crazy to even think that he could do that to me. He said he loves me and only me. He said that I should know by now that he loves me and that he doesn't know how to handle conflict. I believed him. We made up and had the best night together. He held me close to him all night and told me he loved me about 50 times in his sleep. Kept kissing me on the head and saying you are all I want. I felt so close to him.
I have not yet met his parents and this has been a constant fight. He will tell me I can meet them and then cancel. He said he is ready for me to meet his family the other night and wants a future with him.
I asked him to move back in and he said not yet. I felt like I was going to freak out because he didn't want to move back in yet I wasn't even sure I wanted that. That is why I know it is bringing up abandonment issues for me. Because deep down I really don't want him to live here but I feel like I need him to want to. Make sense? Probably not. I am still trying to figure it out. He has been sleeping over every night but his stuff is not moved in.
So fast forward to today. Tomorrow is his bday and I asked to take him out to breakfast when we wake up tomorrow. he said maybe. thought that was weird. So anyways he texts me tonight that he is coming over after work but has to leave early to go out for breakfast wtih his family for his bday. I asked if I am invited. He said no but he would let me meet them sometime soon. I told him not to bother to come over. He then asked why I was being mean to him? And he kept saying I want to see you tonight. I told him that I feel like a booty call not his girlfriend. He said oh okay whatever and got mad and ignored me all day. Now he is acting like nothing happened and is on his way over. I am furious. I am sick of his little mind games. I asked him how he could totally ignore my feelings and he said I don't know what you are talking about. He said everything is fine. I said no it is not fine. You hurt my feelings and then he ignores me again. Then acts like the conversation never happened. Round and round. It is driving me CRAZY.
He acts like I am completely crazy or something. I feel like maybe I am overreacting. He doesn't want me to go to breakfast.. why am i freaking out? But it just seems like it is disrespectful to me. I feel like he is hiding me. But maybe these are my own insecurities that I am putting on him... this is what I mean. I don't know what to think or believe. I cannot stand this much longer. I should have told him not to come but I said fine. WHY? I have no idea.
I know I sound crazy. I hate this and I don't know what the hell I am really doing. It is like I really didn't want him to come over but I cannot stand the thought of him not here. I know this doesn't make ANY sense at all to feel this way but that is how I feel and it is so confusing to me.
I am afraid that you will all think I am nuts and I am embarrassed to tell you all of this but I just cannot figure him, myself or our relationship out. I am beyond frustrated.
STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
You need help and I am glad you are posting.
This is not normal behavior from both of you. Very gently, and a velvet covered 2X4, you are selling yourself out for a man that treats you like shit on the bottom of his shoe. Why are you doing this to yourself?
You do know this behavior of his won't get better. He completely disrespects you and is probably getting a kick out of controlling you so thoroughly.
Try an experiment. Change the game. Say "No thanks" and walk away for 1 month. Watch what happens, especially within yourself. He will say all kinds of horrible stuff about you
when you step away for month. When it happens say, "I knew he would do that." and then carry on with your experiment.
Pretend he is off on vacation. Get on with your life and start dreaming about what YOU want. Any one can do anything for 1 month right? Try it and see what happens.
I am going to try and say this as gently as possible, but please seek help.
You have received some amazing advice from the SI community, some of whom have sadly BTDT, however you still find yourself back together with him.
Read and re-read Gonnabe's post.
I also was in a relationship with someone who did not introduce me to his family - turns out he was a very different person around his Mother than what I knew...
We care about you and two of us posted to see if you were OK, because we thought your safety could be compromised. We did not know that instead you were asking him to move in with you. Very gently, please please think about what this is doing to you. This is YOUR life - it is not a rehearsal.
I hope I have not come across to harsh, but we just want you to be OK. Please re-read this whole thread and everything the others are saying.
ETA: Have a read of the first two lines of my signature.
[This message edited by NoAnswers37 at 4:14 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]
I put up with a lot of shit from my XWS. When I look back I am horrified by what I tolerated. In post-D relationships, I have put up with far less but still occasionally what I would consider disrespect. Each time, I have to re-set. Get distance. Re-affirm that I must respect myself to the same extent I expect others to respect me.
To quote the quote "we teach others how to treat us." What have you taught this man? (Using the term "man" very loosely ).
He can cheat on you. (He did). And you will take him back. He can treat you roughly during sex and then convince you that you liked it. He won't move back with you .(does he have another free-ride elsewhere or is he just punishing you and conditioning you?) He won't introduce you to his family? (Maybe he isn't even with them but with someone else? Maybe they might tell you things about him he doesn't want you to know. Maybe you just don't matter enough to him--likely no one does). And you take him back.
What has he learned about you?
I am only analyzing his specific actions bc I know you are still in analysis mode. But the truth is the specifics don't matter. You must do the work, step by step, minute by minute to respect and love your self. Then no one will mistreat you bc you won't be around to take it.
The specifics don't matter. The lesson is simple: love yourself more. But bc it is simple doesn't make it easy. But you can do it. You have to do it. Life is too shirt for this shit.
Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923
"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne
Wether you can see it or not, you are in a cycle of abuse and abusers do not just suddenly stop abusing! You can not love this man into changing or make him treat you better.
There is a story that tells of a woman who's spouse starts out yelling at her and she forgives him, progressively the abuse gets worse until he is beating her terribly. Everytime she believes his words that it won't happen again and that he has changed. The abuse continues until the last line is "today he killed me". Many abused women believe the abusers when they say it won't happen again, or they didn't mean it. Please consider calling an abused women's hotline, you just need to ask the experts what their take on your story is. I am sure they will say it IS abuse. Like I said before, when is enough enough? The first time he hits you with a closed fist?
Please consider the fact that you could end up pregnant and would be bringing an innocent child into this situation. Also if you were to have a child with this man, you would be tied to him forever.
Please stay safe, and post every so often so that we at least know that you are ok. ((( hugs)))
abusers do not just suddenly stop abusing!
Emotional abusers are experts at blame-shifting, *crazy-making,* and manipulation.
Knowledge is power, so educate yourself. Read.Read.Read. There are many websites that are geared towards dealing with abusive relationships. Dr. Phil's wife just rolled out another one.
And, for the love of ALL that is holy, pleasepleaseplease do NOT NOT NOT mention this website to him!!!!
I never once thought or viewed my relationship as abusive before and now that this seed has been planted my eyes are WIDE OPEN.
I know ultimately that I will have to break up with him and have no contact with him and even though every single person has told me that, I didn't understand why NC was so important until last night.
He did come over last night and it was very interesting to watch things unfold with my new awareness. I deliberately acted a certain way or said things to see how he would act and what he would say. I basically expirmented all night and it was pretty clear that he has been grooming me to behave in a certain way and manipulating me. He does have a way of turning things around and making me feel like I am the one at fault. It is done in a way that is so expertly played that I can see how I never would have seen this before. And I know he has the ability to make me change my mind about what I am even writing here today. So this is why NC is so important.
I do think this will be difficult for me to get away from him. I don't think he will just leave me alone. But I truly don't believe I am in danger.
So I am going to start putting my plan in place as of today. I am flipping between telling him today that I just cannot get past the cheating and that too much trust was lost (and this is true) so I am not going to see him anymore.
My other plan is that I am going to tell him that my work schedule is crazy this week and that I need to go to sleep early and cannot wait up for him to come home at midnight every night and that I don't want him to sleep here. He promised me that he was introducing me to his parents on Wednesday night and I know he will not do this so this will be my out. When he comes up with one of his many excuses I am going to just simply tell him that I am not happy anymore in the relationship and that I think it will be best for us to go our seperate ways.
I am not sure which way to go with ending it?
I know he will not take me serious and continue to text me and call me and try to get me back but I truly do not think he will do anything to hurt me in any way. He will eventually give up and I will just have to stay strong during the transition when he is begging and trying to manipulate me.
I am going to educate myself on abusive relationships because knowledge is power. But I think the most important factor is facing and healing my abandonment issues so I am ready when the fear of him not wanting me kicks in as I know it will.
I also need to remind myself that even though my finances are a mess and I have many things going on in my life that are causing me alot of stress - he is adding to it not making it any better. I don't need him. He is toxic. I must stay away from him.
Thank you for helping me see how destructive this man is and helping me break away. I am sure I will be posting here often looking for strength to see this through. I feel empowered right now and even a little happy because I do feel in my heart that I am done. They aren't just words anymore.
Seems like you really can see him now for what he is, so first step is breaking up with him and then we will all be here for you as you get used to your new independent life without manipulation and abuse. It will be quite the journey, but as
I said, we are here for you
Regarding how to break it off with him: My instinct is to tell him that you want nothing to do with him any more as he has mistreated you. Simple.
However I think it is worth waiting to hear from some others with their opinions seeing as he is not really that mentally stable.
What does everyone else think?
There is going to be no *good* way to do this break up other than to decide you are done, leave and do NOT look back.
"Our relationship doesn't work for me. I no longer want to see you." Done. Go dark.
Short and simple. Don't explain or try to *nice* it up at all -- he'll only 'argue' with you.
Don't wait for him to do <something> because then you open yourself up to hearing about how *awful* of a person you are and/or how *controlling* you are and he'll up end 'breaking up' with you.
Once your eyes are opened to what you are dealing with and how it's *been there* all along -- there is no going back.
Mile-high bitch boots on and steel rod inserted from butt to brain stem. You can do this, Moon.