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User Topic: Work husbands and work wives
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe men and women can be friends, but work Spouse? No way.

My husband has a work wife, otherwise called an AP. I refer to her as the OW. Totally inappropriate once boundaries are crossed. She knows everything about me. How is that appropriate?


Posts: 117 | Registered: Aug 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I hate the term Work Wife or Work Husband, I reconize that a bond can potentially form between co-workers that consistantly work together closely for long periods of time.

I had a 'work husband' at previous job and he was as close to a best friend as I could possibly get. We were polar opposities and neither were each other's relationship preference and knowing that upfront made us very easy friends. We never once had that tension that may build up between a co-ed pair and so conversation was free flowing and honest...sometimes bluntly honest.

I worked an off shift and he was the mananger and we sat next to each other. We were the only people there at that time in the area, so we helped each other with work and real life problems a lot.

DH is a civil servant and has partners. Most of them are women and there is 1 that I would consider his 'work wife'. He spends almost all of his day with her in a tense work environment where you have to count on your partner 100%. That requires a level of trust and intamcy that is further then just normal co-workers IMO. Do i like it? Not really. Do i think that it may save one of their lives to have a trust like that? Yep, without question.

So i guess the short of the long is that I agree with that this kind of relationship can exist platonically, but the term really sucks.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
Peaches2013
♀ Member
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "work spouse" terminology assumes a lack of boundaries and immaturity/unprofessionalism.

I have worked, sometimes closely, with colleagues of both sexes. In some cases, I socialized with them outside of business hours or they were my favorite lunch partners. They became friends. But our work relationships stayed professional while we were at work and sturdy boundaries were in place when we socialized outside of work so work and personal didn't comingle - and that's kind of the part which I think makes the person go from colleague to "work spouse," that lack of boundary between work and personal.

My actual spouse, on the other hand, had a lack of boundaries even before the incident which landed me here. His communication, even in his office setting, with his colleagues was often inappropriate in a professional setting. I get it - people gossip, there's the whole idea of getting information at the water cooler. But even he will admit that while he wasn't looking for an inappropriate relationship with some of the people he worked with, boundaries were crossed - you shouldn't be texting cute little hearts and love yous to your co-workers (really, whether you're married or not, but that's beside the point), which my husband was doing. He flirted heavily with all women he worked with...and just because he's a Southern good ole boy lawyer doesn't make it right or acceptable because they all act like a bunch of douchebags in the office.


Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose if a WS is referring to a colleague as a work wife/husband; we have nothing to worry about as they will be cheating on them soon also.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My "work wife" happens to be my real-life wife, which only made the fallout from her affair doubly complicated. I actually "fired" her for a week or so. But I join those who find the work-spouse terms inappropriate. The relationship should never cross the professionalism line. I have a friend IRL who forced his wife to quit a well-paying job as a condition of R because every 5 years or so she ended up starting an affair with some guy at the office. He had to moonlight cleaning pools just so they could get by.

A person that you work well with from a productivity standpoint should just be a valued colleague, nothing more.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always gotten along better with male co-workers and have worked in male-dominated industries (IT) so I have had many "work husbands." However, I NEVER, EVER crossed the line with any of them. Even when I was single. Most of the time I knew their wives as well and was on good terms. There were a couple of times where I'd go out with them and take along my H. Did not feel weird at all.

Now that I am raising my kids, I have several "dad friends" who are at home with their kids. I've definitely been more aware of boundaries with them because I would never want anyone to *think* something was up.

I am far from perfect - have made a lot of relationship mistakes but I have always had good boundaries as far as male friends/co-workers are concerned. Oddly enough, my H's affair partner is someone he had a business relationship with. So apparently not everyone has the same boundaries.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that the term itself is not only offensive - ESPECIALLY FOR A SPOUSE WHO HAS BEEN CHEATED ON - but can in itself 'open the door' for even the thought that a close relationship should develop.

I have had many VERY CLOSE relationships with men outside the relm of possibility of anything inappropriate - but NEVER have I referred to them as a "husband" ANYTHING.

Sorry for the CAPS. I guess this really bothers me!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:46 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Apr 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Work wife/husband is completely inappropriate.
A previous poster asked a very good question (which I dont recall seeing answered).

Would you have the same type of relationship with a coworker of the same sex and call him your work husband?

In my opinion, these "work wife/husband" relationships are nothing but emotional affairs with a catchy label slapped on it.
A person can be professional and work closely with others without getting into this gray area.

Sheesh.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6107 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I reconize that a bond can potentially form between co-workers that consistantly work together closely for long periods of time.

Yes, and that is why it is so dangerous. This is how so many affairs begin. And why using cutesy terms are problematic. That bond is a danger zone. Period.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am about to enter the unpopular zone here....Don't throw anything at me please....

I have never referred to anyone as a work husband. But I am the only woman in my place of work, which consists of around 40 men or so. I have a lot of strange relationships let me tell you.

However there is one. He is like my best friend at work. We make jokes, and they can be very off colour at times and yes we make some inappropriate comments. But it is because we have very similar senses of humor. I love him to death and if we were both single I would go out with him. BUT, we are NOT. He has a wife and I have a boyfriend. He has said to me that he has never and will never cheat on his wife and I told him that I would never cheat on my BF. We were clear on that and we understand that. Our relationship pretty much stays at work. I don't call him or text him or anything off hours. If we did socialize it woule be with SO's as well.

That being said some people have started referring to us a bf and gf at work. I think people just like a rumor to spread. He isn't around me all the time, but when he is we are usually chatting or laughing about something.

Where is all this rambling taking me...oh yes. We are not what I would call the most professional people at work, but then again I can be the same with my female friends too. It doesn't mean we are having an EA or crossing boundaries. We are honestly just good friends. When we talk about our SO's it is always in the highest of terms.

So while I hate the term work husband, I also dislike the fact that some people feel you can't have a male friend without it being some sort of EA.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ninebark, you've been a member here for years. Have you honest-to-goodness never read Not Just Friends?

You just spent a paragraph defending what sounds like an EA to me. The fact that you have had to make "clear" by verbal agreement that there is nothing going on between the two of you is a clear cut case of not wanting to let go of the closeness you share.

If it's appropriate, you don't have to fight for it.

It sounds like this thread his a little too close to home for you. The overwhelming majority of people here are saying things that are making you uncomfortable and defensive. I for one learned long ago that as soon as I get that feeling, it's time to take a deep breath and get introspective.

That being said some people have started referring to us a bf and gf at work

How humiliating for his wife and your bf.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:21 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16458 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miss my work wife because we were a great team and everything is so much more difficult now. But I can understand that our spouses might have viewed the work environment as a threat or potential train wreck in the future.

How do you deal with spousal work relationships that span 2,000 hours per year, are intimate, emotional, yet not physical... when they certainly may seem to be potential threats or ongoing EAs?

I think what you describe is an emotional Affair. How could it not be? You finish each other sentences. . . you joke about crossing the line. . . it's not a slippery slope you've slipped. Because of circumstances. . . partly how many miles apart in which you live. . . well this means if you lived closer and if you were married you prob. would have had a PA.

I had many friends and some of them male at work, my boundaries were to never go out alone with any of them outside of work. Never compare them to my spouse. Never give innocent hugs to any of the males and if there were problems at home I would chose a female in which to confide. It's as simple as that. I worked in a gym and yes it would of been easy to have work husband, but instead I chose to have friends and female confidants.

S

o while I hate the term work husband, I also dislike the fact that some people feel you can't have a male friend without it being some sort of EA.

I think as long as you talk about your spouses in high regards and as long as you don't make plans and go out with this guy alone (I'm not talking about the occasional quick meal that co-workers sometimes have) then you are right you have a friend at work. But. . . If you confide with him about your sex life or sometimes find yourself wanting to be with him instead of your H. (I am not saying this is you.) then one is kidding themselves as to what their relationship is.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The term is offensive, and cheapens the meaning of your relationship with your spouse.

MY H i is my H and there is noone anywhere that can even come close to the feelings I have for him.

I have worked very closely with men throughout my profession, many of whom were MD's and behaved inappropriately with other Nurses and staff members. I never had that happen with my because I never gave off the vibe that it was ok. There is a level of intimacy that you should NOT have with your co workers that you can have with friends, and of course your spouse. I have many MD's that I consider friends, and have attended Weddings, Graduations, Bah/t mitzvah's etc of their families, but I would never consider it acceptable to be a work spouse.

The funny thing is the few people I have heard use that term are the ones that I always questioned their judgement and morals to being with.

I have been known to be someone who speaks their mind, and have in fact said something to those who use this term. It usually stops them in their tracks to be called out on something that is supposed to "cute" or "funny" . Really your wife think it's funny that you call someone who is spending more time with you than her, that? Didn't think so.

Yuck just Yuck.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer the question, no I would not have the same relationship at work with another guy. That is what made her my work wife.

It seems quite possible to have an EA at work and not even know it. According to one survey, 32% of workers said they had an "office husband" or "office wife".



Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well 32%of those workers are idiots. It's crossing a line and they know it. Giving it a cutsie little name doesn't change the fact that it's wrong.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I consider them co-workers and I do not cross lines into personal relationship topics, "feelings", etc. I know when I am about to cross a line, and I believe most people can recognize it. It is a choice to take it further, and I choose NOT to.

I have no desire to ever date anyone I work with either. I've always felt its a bad idea.

One thing though, when I have worked with someone of the opposite sex for a really long time and we work great together, I don't develop romantic feelings. It always feels more like they are a brother and I shudder at the thought of being intimate with them. Even trying to imagine it now with any of my co-workers...I shudder. They do feel like in-laws or brothers...anything but a romantic partner.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See I told you this would get a bad reaction and I apologize if I came off as defensive, because that wasn't the intent. I am trying to explain it and it is coming out all wrong. I suspect no matter how I try to defend my position it is going to come off as defensive.


He treats me as a friend, just as he treats the guys at work. So the some of the guys decide to tease us by calling us BF and GF. That makes me mad because we have done nothing wrong. We joke we laugh, we work, we go home to our families and that is it. The reason it gets me upset is when it seems like it is not okay for me to be friends with a guy. He helped me out once when my dishwasher broke and I helped him write his resume when he he applied for better position. It is what friends do. Our conversations aren't intimate or personal and are they generally take place in front of a room full of people.

So does this mean we are more than friends?

I had many friends and some of them male at work, my boundaries were to never go out alone with any of them outside of work. Never compare them to my spouse. Never give innocent hugs to any of the males.
I agree, I also have no female friends at work, because there are no other females..lol.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH's coworker used the term once to refer to the departmental secretary that is 25+ years older than him. This was before FWH's A. She's the equivalent of Mrs Landingham on West Wing - a sassy and smart woman who knows everything and can get anything at all done efficiently and so is 5 years past retirement age and still going strong. In any case, she overheard the coworker refer her as his "work wife" and tore that coworker a new one. She found it degrading and disrespectful. When FWH told me that story that evening, we both laughed about it, thinking how "cute" it was that she was so old fashioned that she was offended by "work wife". How stupid FWH and I both were for not seeing how right she was, and how crappy our boundaries were as a married couple if we thought her offense at the term was quaint.

These days I can't see how I ever thought that term was ok.


Posts: 3183 | Registered: Mar 2005
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of respect for your spouse why would anyone even use such a silly pet name for a coworker?

I would ask yourself, "If my REAL husband or wife was present, would I be acting or talking this way with this person?"

Honestly asnwering that question with yourself is a pretty good indicator or how appropriate or inappropriate the behavior is.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and just to clarify, he is a plumber and I paid him for the dishwasher, he just didn't charge for labour.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
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