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User Topic: Work husbands and work wives
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to one survey, 32% of workers said they had an "office husband" or "office wife".

Funny... I've seen very similar percentages of people surveyed who admit to cheating in their marriage as well.

I think if I were to come home and start talking about having an "office wife", I would be shown the door very promptly, and rightfully so.


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Dec 2010
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate post

[This message edited by ajsmom at 12:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cliché soulmate schmoopieness to me.

I'm calling it like it is, folks - EA's on the slipperiest of slopes.

Time to get real.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ninebark:

I love him to death and if we were both single I would go out with him. BUT, we are NOT. He has a wife and I have a boyfriend. He has said to me that he has never and will never cheat on his wife and I told him that I would never cheat on my BF. We were clear on that and we understand that.

Our conversations aren't intimate or personal and are they generally take place in front of a room full of people.

So does this mean we are more than friends?

IMO, yes of course you are. I don't even think it's a very close call. You've evaluated him and found him desirable as a potential romantic partner while you are committed to someone else. You say you haven't had intimate conversations, but obviously you guys have found the need to reassure each other that you won't be unfaithful and have had to come to an "understanding" that you'd never cheat on your partners. Heck yes that's intimate.

For the record I don't think you sound defensive so much as you sound... I'm sorry, but you sound a bit foggy. Or playing loosey goosey with your boundaries. For 6 months I shared an office with a male colleague who is also my friend of many years. We definitely got closer in the office sharing days as we overheard whichever phone conversations, meetings, personal conversations and that sort of thing that we simply couldn't reasonably keep private. But my boundaries keep me about 10 conversational leaps away from any chat about whether or not we're faithful spouses. That conversation will never happen, because the 9 conversations that would precede that and increase our intimacy to the point where those words would exit my mouth would never happen. I know how his kids are, how his wife is, where they vacationed and even what he likes to eat for lunch. But my assumption is that people who are married are committed and so why even have the conversation where we come to a personal understanding about how we're not going to cheat? To me that sounds like two people "trying not to have sex" which is approximately half a step away from two people actually having sex. IMO.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fair enough I can see where it would seem that way. Btw the conversation on the not cheating actually took place when we were both single and I was talking about my divorce. He was separated for two years and not long after that went back to his wife. We were talking about relationships in general and the reasons we had broken up at the time, mine due to infidelity, his due to other issues and he said he hadn't and would never cheat on his wife. It wasn't let's make a pact not to cheat.

And before I get hung for this conversation, there were two other guys talking about their divorce, it was a general conversation.

[This message edited by ninebark at 2:19 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I understand the work place is a very common source of affairs (both pa and ea). Because of that I believe extra effort needs to be made when dealing with the opposite sex at work.

VERY strict boundaries regarding any talk of current relationships and subjects beyond anything work related.

I love him to death and if we were both single I would go out with him.

This is a huge red flag because it seems to indicate that your BF is not your real first choice as a partner.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor I have no problem discussing this but I do take great offence at that assumption. If my BF was not my first choice I would not date him.

I did not say I wanted to be single and date my friend, I was trying to establish that we would be compatible if that was the situation.

I am sorry but you cannot work with only men and just discuss only work. There are 40 guys, we discuss our kids, the gym, our parents...the list goes on. If the conversation was too intimate or personal I would stop it.

[This message edited by ninebark at 2:26 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At work, I have colleagues, not a spouse.
The very term "work husband" makes me cringe. That alone crosses boundaries

I wholeheartedly agree. It even seems a bit childish to me.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry but you cannot work with only men and just discuss only work.

Maybe yes, maybe no. The thing is, this argument has absolutely nothing to do with your "work husband." We're not talking about chatting about little league. We're talking about Wayward thinking and words. This is so textbook right now I don't even know what else to say.

I love him to death and if we were both single I would go out with him.

Indicates emotional and physical attraction. Your coworkers wouldn't "kid" about you being bf & gf if you weren't acting like it. Period. And then you try to argue with us that all you talk about with him is little league and we don't "get what you're saying."

You don't need to clarify anything. You have told us in ZERO uncertain terms that you are having an EA with a married man at work. The only person out of the loop is you.

This is far to triggery for me. Crazz and COW talked all the time about how if he wasn't married they'd totally go out. Nothing wrong, because it was only an "if", right? Till they got drunk at a work party and fucked behind a dumpster.

The choice is up to you, nine. I just would have thought you would know better than to fight and fight and fight for an emotionally close relationship with another woman's husband whom you would "go out with if you both were single."

I'm out.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17905 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer the question, no I would not have the same relationship at work with another guy. That is what made her my work wife.

So do you have a work husband?

I don't see the place where a professional relationship with a woman is somehow inherently different than a professional relationship with a man beyond potential sexual tension. Unless we're doing the homophobe thing and saying it's not the same because madeupreasonhere.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you deal with spousal work relationships that span 2,000 hours per year, are intimate, emotional, yet not physical...

I'm sorry, my skin just crawls reading this. It's not spousal! What makes a coworker who is a whiz at doing work stuff and someone you've put in a lot of work hours with "spousal"? Why can't they just be a good coworker and team mate without it being compared to a committed romantic marriage?

I don't even think "triggery" is the right word for this because although my FWH had an A at work with all the attendant "she's such a good friend" BS that preceded it, I'd like to think that calling a coworker you're not married to your "spouse" is completely out of line no matter what your affair history is.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
Holly-Isis
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Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's power in words. MrH called me "the spouse". No gender, no affection...basically the least affiliation possible. Calling someone a work wife or work husband implies an intimacy that you don't have with other coworkers. Not a better working relationship, but an intimacy.

Coworkers should be just that, coworkers. A professional relationship needs no other name than coworker, IMO. You can be friendly and still have boundaries.

If anyone entertains the thought of a relationship beyond those boundaries, they're dancing along the slippery slope to an A. If you begin the wayward self talk that intimate feelings are ok because...or a touch here isn't a big deal because....
From what I've witnessed, that's where the trouble begins.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11235 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry, but I work with men and women in a professional environment and if I ever heard myself or any member of staff referred to as 'work husband/wife' I would be appalled.
The lack of respect indicated to your work colleague as well as the lack of respect to your spouse is abhorrent.
On staff there are a number of married couples, their relationship status is NEVER mentioned. Each is treated as a professional individual.
We all are.
I now thank the fates for allowing me to work very closely with a like-minded, intelligent, respectful group of people.
I gather it's unusual. So very disappointing.


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
DOH!  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I first read about this work wife/husband nonsense on another site a few years ago. First thing that came to mind is pretend boyfriend or girlfriend, like when you were in preschool. DH's reaction was how cheesy and childish this sounded and why would any normally functioning person find such a concept to be cute.

I too work in an office where the staff is mostly men in a male dominated field. We are a very tight knit, supportive team but I can't imagine taking it any further than that, due to the ick factor. Shitting where I eat does not sound like a good time, and besides they're co-workers. Some things are just off limits and a no brainer.

I love myself, my marriage, my job, and career too much to go mess it up by playing kiddie games.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This term didn't bother me before DD, but it sure as hell does now. I realize now that I had loose boundaries myself, by way of sharing too much personal info at work. I have since changed that behaviour.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to take a break from this thread because I was getting pretty hurt that people assumed I don't know what an EA is and that I am in one.

Here is why I was upset. I am friends with a guy, we spend maybe 30 minutes a day talking, half of it work related, half of it joking and talking. We do not talk outside of work, we do not hang out. Our conversations are something that can be repeated to our SO's. I put the comment about not cheating on our So's because I was trying to illistrate that we both understand what boundaries are and you can have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.

Yes I am attracted to him and would date him if we were both single, I am not dead I can be attracted to a man who is not my BF and I can admit it. What I don't do is act on it. I am attracted to other men too, it happens. It is when you can't acknowlege the attraction and recognize the boundaries that the trouble starts. I am also not wishing I was single or that he was my bf. In fact I started dating my BF at a time that my friend and I were both single, so it was a choice I made. I also don't want to date anyone I work with, things like that get messy.

The whole little leaque comment was unnecessary because I was responding to a comment someone made about only talking about work things at work. Sorry I don't do that, men or women, people talk about their lives.

What pissed me off was the comment about BF and GF because I don't like those titles either. The guy that made the joke was teasing me because my friend was on vacation for a week, and he was like "oh look your bf is back". I told him why that bothered me and he apologized and agreed it probably wasn't that funny. But I work in a trades shop, they live to torment and tease the crap out of each other. They also like to call me a cougar and tease me because my BF is younger than me. If they can find something to pick on they will.

So yes I am sure you are going to say I am defensive and I am sorry if this triggers people, not the intent. I was just pointing out that you can't go through life without male friends, it is unreasonable. You just have to be conscious of boundaries and respectful of the other person's relationship.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course people get attracted to others, nobody is saying it doesn't happen. Waxing deep emotions over someone who is just a co-worker? Yuck. I'd be creeped out if one of my male colleagues spoke about how deep he was into me. I'd also be very disappointed and not trust him too if that were to happen.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
ionlytalkedtoher
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Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no totally not funny.

my husband had a few close friends from work--but those women were kind and reached out to me and we all 3 were friends...they respected boundaries and the fact he was married. Those that didn't--alarm bells went off right away and he and i both acknowdeledged the wrongness. One girl--same name as me...so it was a joke that they were having an affair. I didn't find it funny...but others in the office accused him of having an affair with her and he was all shocked...probably he was overly fliratatious. Well, he got fired soon after and this same woman, texted him multiple times--r u ok??I love you!!! I flipped out and f-bomed her back immediately who the f r u and why are you texting my H...she never texted him again.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The spousal contract is way different from the colleague contract, and IMO using the term 'work spouse' is a step on the slippery slope.

I used to be a road warrior doing medium term projects out of town on teams that included men and women. We shared lunches, dinners, drinks, and we talked about things that mattered to us on our off hours and breaks. Some of the women were attractive, IMO. What counted, though, was whether or not we were good colleague material - pulled our weight on the project, got our stuff done on time, protected each other appropriately, etc.

Project work can be incredibly intimate in many ways. The elation of successful completion brings the team very close to each other. (I always wanted to celebrate, and sex is the best celebration I can imagine.)

This means only that it's especially important to keep boundaries strong at work. Referring to a colleague as a 'work wife' or 'work husband' breaks down one very important boundary.

Remember - in a text or e-mail, you'll probably want to refer to a work wife as 'WW', and a work husband as 'WH'.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:03 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Whalers11
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Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard the "work spouse" term a few times before, but in the instances I've heard it used, it was clearly being used in a facetious manner...as well as I believe all parties were single. But that's neither here nor there.

Even as a BS - I can't say the term bothers me. It's a label, words. Inappropriate behavior at work is inappropriate at work - whatever you call it or don't call it.

If my SO referred to someone at work at his work wife, I'd probably ask why she was called that to determine if there was an inappropriate relationship happening. But I wouldn't automatically freak out if he said he had a work wife...he could call her that because she does his lunch dishes at work for all I know.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Feb 2010
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