Be careful who you tell about your WS's A. In the beginning we all feel lost. Our emotions are raw and we are lucky if we make it one full day without crying. We all need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.
I'm not saying never tell anyone. What I'm saying is to think long and hard about what you want in your relationship first, then think long and hard about who you feel comfortable talking to, because once you start talking about it you can't take the words back.
If you chose to R with your WS be careful which family member/friend you tell because it could cause a rift and make R'ing with your WS that much more difficult. You don't need the added stress of having a family member constantly calling your WS an idiot and telling you that you're an idiot for staying. Who needs that? No one.
Another thing to keep in mind when you tell someone is that you cannot control what the other person says. You can ask them to not say anything, but that is not a 100% guarantee that they will listen. They could tell someone thinking that they are acting in your best interest and are trying to help, when all you wanted to do was to get this horrible information off your chest. You don't want your private life turning into town gossip.
A quote that I like from Benjamin Franklin - "Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
Again, I'm not saying not to talk to anyone about your situation. I'm just saying to please think about your own situation, what you road you want to travel, and then chose wisely who you decide to confide in.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
I don't mind though. It doesn't bother me who knows, who talks about it now, who thinks I am stupid for staying and even those that think I wasn't a good enough wife and possibly deserved it.
Meh, doesn't matter.
What my husband and I have gone through is a lot of hard work, soul searching, acceptance and learning. Anyone not willing to appreciate that won't appreciate us,and that's ok.
We have been married 25 years. Anyone that wants in on how we make it, how we are so happy, better sit down and buckle in. I don't just tell random people, but we have had a few couples ask us how we can be so happy after such a long time. For those that need to hear the truth, I share.
I no longer live a life of secrets or shame, I am very proud of who we are, who we have become and how we got here. We have had our shitty times but you won't ever catch me hiding from them or pretending they didn't matter.
For anyone that wants to cast a snide remark behind my back, it's ok. I bet I am in a happier place than they are and I bet their marriage has darkness they might be afraid to look at. None of it my business.
But that's just me, I understand others feel differently.
I did give a little bit of information to my mother in law recently. It's hard to hide my hostility towards my husband sometimes, and when I gave her a snippet her comment was no wonder you have anxiety attacks and lost so much weight. DUH! I'm not just a crazy person like your son has led you to think. So, my MIL, SIL and her husband know.
Having a brother who is a serial cheater and recently divorced after 21 years of marriage I am ok with my husband's family knowing the truth because it sheds a lot of light on what is actually happening instead of the cheating men manipulating their families to think they are the victims.
Best to keep it to yourself and choose very wisely who you share the information with because most friends and family can't get past it.
He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to be the end of us.
As time went on and I discovered he continued to have contact with the OW, I told more people. R seemed like it would never happen so I told my family. I kind of regret that now. On one hand they deserved to know, but things will never be the same again. We are in limbo, maybe even toying with the idea of R. I don't know how that could even happen now with all my family knows.
After a year, my sister hunted me down and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. I let it out and that felt really good, the telling and the support afterwards.
The problem is, she told others and I did not want that. It is difficult living life knowing that people talk about you and it and him and her.....behind your back. Difficult walking into social situations and feeling that. That they observe you to see how you are doing and make assessments and the worst is that you know that they are deciding why he wanted someone other than you. Looking at your obvious flaws or wondering where else you are deficient. Was she bad at sex? Not interesting? Not attentive, suppportive? On and on.
So, you do have to choose carefully but you have to tell some people.
I sometimes think though, this is such a trauma, catastrophe for the BS. In any other situation like this, people would shower them with attention, kindness and support. If they get cancer, if they suffer a loss, lose a limb.
It is hard to keep secret that you are in pain, harmed and also living with the person who caused this and who may still be causing it or will in the future. There is no RX or treatment or operation or radiation for this pain.
But I know that someone who has never experienced this will never get it. My whole outlook on infidelity changed when it happened to me. I always thought I would be consumed with anger and outrage and immediately kick him to the curb. The crushing, immobiliziing, overwhelming, overriding pain I felt instead was a complete surprise. Anger does not override it, at least not for me. I could not rise above the pain to meet any anger, to be empowered by it. Still don't seem to be able to. There is no stage of grief for me in this where I end up with acceptance as you would with a death.
So....in hindsight, or if I were to give advice, I would think the most luck you would have is to tell someone close to you who you know has also been a victim. They will understand. I didn't know anyone incredibly. In my world I alone on this planet.
But unfortunatley, statistically most people do probably know someone
In the end I agree, be careful who you tell.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
[This message edited by myperfectlife at 6:00 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]
So, telling people who are supportive of the marriage would also put more eyes on the WS, eyes who now know not to dismiss little things that before they would have shrugged off. They can help you make sure that something isn't creeping back in.
And a kind word, a question "How is it going" from someone who knows what you are going through, can really be uplifting.
So much has happened in a short time, I would find it very difficult to explain my position. I don't need he "How's it going?" question. I wanted to process my own stuff and then talk to my WBF.
I have told ONE friend, and she has gone through it - twice! I was her ear when she went through it and looking back I'm not sure I was that helpful. I wasn't judgmental but I kept thinking to myself, this would never happen to me! And now it has.
That's why this place is so good. We are all going through it and we all offer different thoughts and opinions. It just helps to listen to people who have been through it.
I agree that you can't always tell your family.
I did tell my family. It was a HUGE crushing blow for my mom.
I have NEVER, EVER seen her cry so emotionally. She ended up
Losing like 15+ lbs. She loved my H more than her own sons!!
I got a lot of support from my family and my sister inlaws.
After we got back together and decided to R a second time.
It took well over a yr and my mom seeing his actions. My H personally apologized to her for hurting me, hurting her and losing the respect she had for him. My oldest brother was not as easy to forgive. It took him like 2 yrs. My family has shown him forgiveness. My sisters love him and have all received individual apologies, he told me he was SOOO ashamed wishing he could just dig a hole and jump in. But he did this on his own knowing these were consequences and the only way to tear down that wall.
I lost a VERY close friend over this. She was actually the wife of his best friend since childhood. She was there for me
Long distance calling me everyday. She cried with me got angry for me. When I told her I was R she felt that he would cheat again and this time it would be with a much younger woman with no kids. It's hard to forgive long distance, hard to forgive without seeing the hard work, transparency, counseling... I tried contacting her several times and it became clear she did not want to talk to me. My H just couldn't believe she would stop being my friend... I let him know that when I was in a very dark place, she was there. She heard my cries, my hoarse voice, saw my weight loss in pics, my hair loss....
[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 12:00 PM, November 8th (Friday)]
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
I have not told a soul after that. That was enough. I have a huge trust issue.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.