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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Could use an unbiased opinion
E1979
♀ Member
Member # 29560
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello! So here I am, trying to date again. And it's weird and foreign and hard all in one.
I have been dating this guy very casually for about 6 months now, and I can't figure out why we argue. I have never butt heads with someone so bad before in my life! But when things are good, they are really good, I guess that's why I always give him another chance.
Anyway, I feel his way of communicating is so poor sometimes, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one. I am starting to second guess myself and think maybe I have issues with communication, or maybe I don't know how to talk to people. Would anyone be interested in deciphering my last text conversation with him? Tell me HONESTLY what I am doing/saying wrong? I feel like I'm living in crazy land.
Maybe we can PM so I can forward you the full text convo.
Thanks!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be willing to look at it. From what you have written it sounds more him than you.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could post the conversation here and get even more opinions, too.

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Thelastknight
♂ Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like a crack at it!


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 951 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll read it. Either PM or post it on here. I like reading conversations!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4139 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe I don't know how to talk to people. Would anyone be interested in deciphering my last text conversation with him

I can decipher it without even seeing the 'conversation'. If you have something to talk about, don't text it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19969 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like xpos. He did things like that often. I learned a lot about those conversations from reading a couple of books that dissected them and from IC.

If you still want opinions, you can PM me with it.

(((Hugs))) I know how that stuff makes you feel.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2224 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
E1979
♀ Member
Member # 29560
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright, Here's the string. Apologies in advance, it's long. And I can take full on honest opinions!

Him-Were you drankin red bull again?!
Me-No way!
Me-Christmas shots though, check✅
Him-With your mom?!
Me-Haha, yes. We went to a bar for drinks after dinner, and the bartender kept giving us stuff. My mom can def hang.
Him-I mean...I can't imagine ever doing a shot with my mother
Me-Are you serious? My mom and I get drinks all the time.
Me-Shots are def a rare occurrence.
Him-Don't you are you serious me!
Me-Are you serious?!?!?
Him-Yes I'm serious.  That's not weird that I've never done shots with my mom.
Him-Nor would she
Me-Nor would she what, do shots?
Him-I'm not from a family of drunks
Me-Hey now, neither am I.
Him-Are you serious?!
Him-Ugh
Me-What?
Him-You saying that
Me-Saying what?
Him-Ok goodnight.
Me-What happened, I don't get it?
Him-Are you drunk right now?
Him-This isn't difficult to follow.
Me- No, I'm not drunk.
Me-Well clearly I missed something.
Him-I'm going to bed.  Goodnight.
Him-Make it through the night ok?
Me-Umm, yeah. Survived.
Him-Phew...that was a close one
Me-I don't get it... Why did you get so mad last night?
Him-I was tired and didn't feel the need to explain the text conversation we were having back to you, especially if you were drunk.  I still don't really feel like explaining it.
Him-You couldn't follow along with the texts and were kind of asking dumb questions.
Me-I wasn't drunk. I couldn't figure out why you were mad so I was just trying to clarify it. I felt you were being rude, and I still don't really get why.
Him-You were acting like it was unheard of that I don't take shots with my mother.  That is not unusual at all.  And I definitely was not being rude.  I was tired so I said I'm done and goodnight.  Which you were rude by not saying it back.
Him-And I'm also done having this conversation with you via text while I'm at work.  You know this never leads anywhere good.  So stop it.
Me-You saying "I'm not from a family of drunks" came off as rude to me. So was "what are you drunk, this isn't hard to follow" or whatever. Me not saying goodnight back is not rude when you were refusing to talk to me.
Him-Ok let's keep going!  Fun!
Me-And I never acted like it was unheard of that you don't take shots with your mother. Never have drinks, yes I was a little surprised.
Me-Why can I never respond?
Him-I didn't say that!  I said "I mean...I can't imagine ever doing a shot with my mother"
Him-You weren't listening and your responses were irritating!
Him-You can respond if you do it in the right way!  Texting is not!  And you know it!
Me-I was listening, just trying to clear things up. Sorry if that's so irritating for you.
Him-So STOP
Me-Fine, done. Have a super day.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The conversation seemed pretty normal up until he fired this shot:
Him-I'm not from a family of drunks

He was way out of line with that one.
Next, just because he and his mother don't drink together, that's THEIR relationship. You and your mom have a different relationship and that's fine too.

Second, he made the assumption that you were drunk. Strike 2 on his part.

Strike 3 is when he tells you how you're supposed to respond "the right way" and texts isn't it?

Based on this conversation, he sounds controlling and (frankly) like a doosh.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6293 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
E1979
♀ Member
Member # 29560
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your feedback GabyBaby.
Those were my thoughts exactly. Yet he somehow makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong all the time.
Ugh, and he IS so controlling!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet he somehow makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong all the time.

He can only do this if you allow him to. Stop allowing him to and drop him. In this instance, I'm glad you carried this conversation via text. That way you have proof of his craziness.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Him-I'm not from a family of drunks

Douche.

Him-Ok goodnight.

So, he wants to go to sleep, and is tired of texting. I get it. But it's controlling to participate in a thread like this and then unilaterally shut it down when there's clearly a breakdown in the communication.

Him-And I'm also done having this conversation with you via text while I'm at work. You know this never leads anywhere good. So stop it.

So STOP it?! What are you, my dad? Nope, nu uh, ain't gonna work. Controlling again. ETA: Controlling AND condescending.

Him-You can respond if you do it in the right way!

You can respond if you do it in the right way? Really? That's controlling to the Nth degree.

Then he tells you to stop again, in all caps no less.

He's pretty much a controlling douche who has no respect for you or your feelings. But I bet you already know that.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:50 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 1228 | Registered: Feb 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But really, this was as far as I had to read to be able to tell you the things in my previous post:

Anyway, I feel his way of communicating is so poor sometimes, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one

This crazymaking is manipulation. I married a guy like this. I wish I had seen the signs back then.


Posts: 1228 | Registered: Feb 2010
E1979
♀ Member
Member # 29560
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, thank you all!!! I am not crazy :)
I feel so much relief right now. How did I let someone make me second guess myself so hard?!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know E. What are you going to do?

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Feb 2010
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds like he may have slight control/manipulation issues. Maybe he isn't keen on you going out and drinking? His way of saying your family is wrong for doing this with you and that shit won't happen with me. I dunno. Just a man who has had control issues himself looking at it


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please run from this guy.

Don't explain anything to him, because his goal will be to overcome any objections you have.

It's better to be alone than this...He "hooks" you with these comments and then all night you are thinking about him and the conversation. True love and a stable person don't do this.....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2033 | Registered: Jan 2012
E1979
♀ Member
Member # 29560
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

homewrecked it's like you can read my mind.
You are so right in this situation. Thank you so much for the clarity.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He comes across as purposely trying to manipulate you, belittle you and your family, and control you.

But lets remove him from this and focus on you & your feeling

he makes me feel like I am the crazy one

and
I feel like I'm living in crazy land.

Why would you stay with anyone who made you feel that way? Whether it was from texts, in person interactions, or anything else.
What would you tell your best girlfriend?

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 3:16 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
E1979
♀ Member
Member # 29560
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the fighting continued. He ended up telling me that I deserved to be cheated on, I am an awful person, I ruined my own marriage, and then made fun of me because I see a therapist. How low can one person go?
So, I just broke up with him. There is no reasoning with this man, he is like a child.
It feels awful. But I know it's what's right.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2010
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