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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He did the right thing..building trust
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband received an email recently from an escort/prostitute he saw 6 years ago(4 times) stating "I'm back" in our town He called her and told her he is not in that lifestyle anymore and to never contact him again and deleted the email. And then he told me about it...
His remorse, horror of receiving that email and what he had done in the past, working on himself..reading, IC and being totally transparent and being honest with me is building my trust and helping me to feel safe. We have talked about boundaries to help me feel safe and he is doing the right things with both his actions and words.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deleted the email. And then he told me about it...

Why did he delete first and THEN tell you?
If he is being open, then I would think that he would show you the email.
...just wondering....


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2802 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds like good news :) in happy for you. The first time my WHs OW texts him he deleted it. We talked about it and he told me he felt awful and didn't want to have me see it. It was his first reaction- out of fear and shame. We talked and I explains how deleting it made me feel like he was hiding something. He has been open since then- the texting stopped once she got the hint. Point being, talk to him about deleting it but try not to read too much into this. Hold in to the good feeling you have about it, but make sure you let him know that you want to see the next message.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked about that...because I do have full access to his phone & computer & he is transparent. He had feelings of panic & horror & knew he had to respond NC & wanted to be done with it, wants this over. We tightened our boundaries to include he would show me anything, including spam before deleting it.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder twin, that was it, a reaction of fear & shame.

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 4:45 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you both!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But why did he have to call in response to an email? Why have vocal contact with her again? So there would be no record of the content as there would be if he had just responded in an email?
I hope there is nothing but this would send up alarm bells with me. I'm thinking that he knows you have access to computer and could find her contact email maybe but not see any NC email back from him so he wanted to explain that away by saying he had a NC voice conversation. So you would not insist on an email one and not just a deletion of the email because she could always send more emails if she thought maybe he did not get the first one.
And how did he have her phone number so handy? Was that in the email?
I know I am paranoid (with reason) but I would worry about this and at the least I would want a NC mail sent. Not one that says "as I told you in our phone call" because if the phone call was actually a meet up time arrangement she would know that this was a husband covering tracks email.
So hope nothing is wrong but I would be super-vigilant for a while.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 436 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mainlyinpain
I no longer blindly trust...I appreciate your comments. He owns a company, IT has access to everything on the computer, but not content to a phone call, other than the #. I am trusting he would show me if there were any other communication. He is in IC & telling me about things from his family & past that I never knew, he is doing the work & being very vulnerable & honest with myself & IC. I am very proud of him.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a great moment for the both of you!!!! Always nice to hear of couples taking a big step forward rather than backwards!!!!


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you and good for him!
Miracles do happen.

How wonderful for you and also for him to be able to finally figure himself out. He will be empowered and you will have the new improved version of him.

It would be so interesting to hear some of his internal processing that led him down this road to redemption.

Does he post here?


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2013 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 436 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't post here. Internal processing...since July is owning his behavior, stating this was never about me or our marriage, it about him, no longer blaming the marriage. Has been reading, going to a very good IC and opening up about his family dynamics, painful memories/events from his past and how that may have shaped who he is, his beliefs & past behavior. As I said I am so proud of him. He is my best friend and the love of my life.

I had TT and in my situation I am grateful for that. 3/2011, 10/2011 & 7-2013. From dday #1 we began putting our relationship first, not work or kids. I would not have been able to handle the full truth, all at once on that first day. He was not ready to own his behavior and blamed our marriage. I was stronger dday #2 and even stronger this past July and he was ready to work on himself. I hope that gives someone hope to hang in there and to not give up.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiving now,

Thank you for sharing! It is very encouraging to know that he's working hard on himself and learning to change.

Blessings!


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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