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User Topic: I'm new here...
LostinCA
♀ New Member
Member # 41278
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this is definitely a place I never thought I'd find myself, but alas I need support. My entire life I've been so anti-cheating. I've been cheated on by boyfriends in the past, I judged friends who cheated...and now I'm the cheater and I guess I'm in shock.
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Prior to that, I was in a long term relationship for 5 years...the only other guy other than my husband I've ever been with. We got married when I was 22...very young, but very in love. We have 2 children, ages 5 and 8 months. Our relationship has struggles off and on for years...our interests are completely opposite but up until the last 4 years, it never really mattered. Our sex life has not been great, but not like I had much to compare it to...it was the same old argument, I don't show him enough affection and he needs to not want it all the time! I was beginning to think something was medically wrong with me because I wasn't very sexual.
Fast forward to 3 years ago...I got a new job in a male dominated field that my husband has been trying to get into for years. I got in at the first place I applied and I fell in love with my job and my new friends/co workers. We continued to have our issues, and seemed to grow further apart due to my hours and basically the job in general can really change a person and unfortunately their relationships. I felt myself really withdrawing from us and I didn't really care.
This time last year a new guy transferred to my work and for some reason we instantly hit it off. He knew nothing about me and I knew nothing about him yet it was as of we had been best friends forever. We have very similar interests, same humor, understand our jobs and what it entails...just a very weird connection to have with a stranger. He didn't really talk to anyone else, but he felt comfortable talking to me.
We started innocent chatting at work, a couple texts and met one day at the mall for lunch...I was 5 months pregnant. He told me that 8 years ago he cheated on his wife of 15 years but just recently was so riddled with guilt that he confessed and she wasn't taking it well...they tried to make to work, then she snapped and wanted him out but is torn because they have 3 kids. I sat there and listened to him and for once in my life, I didn't judge him at all...and I was shocked. I felt sad for him and wanted to be his friend...and that's where this began.
We became extremely close friends...we understood each other and I know that it's just that we were lacking something in our own relationships but I didn't care because our friendship made me feel good and happy. We met for lunches, dinners...we talked at work and texted...we had a typical emotional affair. I knew it was wrong, but I still didn't care.
I had my baby, was out on maternity leave and still kept in touch with him. We always talked about how we could never take our friendship any further because we wouldn't want to lose our friendship...we needed each other. One night we decided to go out for drinks...alcohol infused night, we kissed. He wanted more and I said no and was so proud of myself. He agreed and we remained friends as if we were glad we got that tension out of the way. A couple weeks later we went our again...this time we had sex. I couldn't believe I became that person but strangely I still didn't care...I'm so horrible. And even worse, I couldn't stop from wanting to be with him. We have gone out to dinner/bfast many more times...sometimes we've had sex, sometimes were just friends. Of course this makes me an emotional basket case as it does him. It's like we know we shouldn't be together but we are addicted. His wife and him are seperate and he is living with his parents...at 35. She can't decide if she wants to be with him and he thinks it's her decision since he messed up their marriage. It's been a 2 year saga.
I love my family and my husband doesn't know as far as I know...but I've gotten a little sloppy and he's definitely more suspicious. He found some condoms, I said I bought them a while ago for after I had the baby...he found a receipt from us going to bfast...just stupid stuff that I should've known better. He's strangely been ok with my excuses but it doesn't make we want to stop.
I need help...I want my marriage to work, but I can't give up my friend...advice?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to post on the wayward side. There are many betrayed spouses on here and your story may be too much for them to handle. Honestly anything I have to say wouldn't help because I just feel sorry for your poor husband who doesn't know that his world is about to shatter.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 138 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your marriage will NEVER work if you "can't give up your friend". Who is more than a friend, you know.

Maybe read book, "Not just friends".

You are the only person in control of any of this.

You need(ed) to have parameters and boundaries in place for the times when you meet someone and "connect" or are attracted to. It happens a lot, yours is not special.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends don't help friends betray themselves and destroy lives. Selfish people do.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Locking because author reposted in Wayward.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44696 | Registered: Sep 2006
Topic Posts: 5

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