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User Topic: Shoulda Coulda..why didn't I
♀ Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am filled with regret tonight--why didn't I say, "No, you can't go out with your friends EVERY weekend." Why didn't I text or call when I was worried instead of getting bitter and distant? The more he pulled away, why didn't I pull back and fight instead of getting pissed off and pulling away as well? I would say things like, "You do your own thing and Daughter and I do our own thing." or "The only time you know I exist is when you want sex." (That always pissed him off). I just didn't think we were in as much trouble as we were apparently in--I didn't know he was in the process of ending our marriage and killing off the loving, completely trusting, 'love being married to my best friend' fool. I get the A was 100% his fault, but honestly I don't think it would have happened, or at least not as long if I had DONE SOMETHING. So it is a lesson learned. If we make it through this, I will DO SOMETHING (MC probably) if I start to feel like our relationship is being neglected.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good to communicate with your partner about how you feel, but I don't want you to take responsibility for his behavior.

Please go easy on yourself. You didn't make him cheat on you. Issues in a relationship are one thing, but an Affair is on the shoulders of the cheater.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You wanted him to enjoy his life and be happy, not be in control of his time. I too trusted my WH, you did NOTHING wrong. If he was that unhappy the FIRST person he should have been spending time with was YOU ... and your daughter the second! I wasn't too concerned that we had become distant, being married 20 years you learn that marriage relationships ebb and flow .. and sometimes things are close, and sometimes not. It's hard to think that they would stray ... I still am having difficulty thinking about it. Just remember it was HIS choice to do what he did ... no excuses.

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was so angry at my husband that I started living my own life. My husband was a workaholic which meant he would rather spend time anywhere than with me and the family. Ironically the OW saw that crack in our marraige and moved in for the kill. I ame him 100% for the affair but I blame myself a lot for the poor state of our marraige.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the majority of us wonder if we had that great marriage, full of affection, communication and respect, would they have still cheated? We will never know.

I'm in the same boat. My marriage was in a sad state. I knew it and sadly did nothing. Thought it would eventually fix itself, find its way. When I outed the MCOW to his BS, she said obviously we both have problems in our marriage, but I didn't see it coming. Ouch did that hurt! But she was right about my marriage. The A, not my fault. Her decision. I was in the same marriage and would never have dreamed of doing that.

I'm fixing myself while my WW fixes herself. We work on the marriage as well. We've had the same conversations about our problems now that we had prior to the affair, but it is different this time. I hear her and she hears me.

It's only been 3 months since I found out, but I saw my wife this week. I mean I saw her like when I first met her, like when I started falling in love with her, like when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Why did I quit seeing her like this?

Lucy17 I totally get what you are saying. My wife is finally coming out of it and seeing it too. It will be a long road to R still, but it is doable I believe.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too feel this. I remember my mum saying our family seemed to consist of myself and the kids, with fWH looking on genially from the outside, we'd become that distant. When I asked for a divorce, before I had a clue about the A, I didn't slag my H off to friends, just told them we seemed to be going in different directions, so there was no point in staying together. Told the solicitor he didn't seem interested in taking part in family life - and discussed this at length since with H. How I wish I had insisted he spend more time with us, but at the time thought this was really for him to decide, I couldn't make him be interested, it had to come from him. His loss. I do remember pointing out to him that if he didn't spend time with them whilst they were younger he would regret it.

It's all so different now, seems he can't spend enough time with me and the kids - shame they've grown up and left home. Such a shame for him that he missed out on so much.

Aaah, hindsight....

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get where you are coming from.

Yes, I saw we had problems but to me we were "married married". We talked about problems in our friends' marriages and I always thought "we are better than that". Low and behold, yes our friends marriages have issues, but I am the only one dealing with an A

I think it is because A just isn't an option for some people. I honestly never have felt approached or tempted by another man. I naively thought this was also not on my wH "menu options" either..ugh.

There were times we talked about MC...I thought we were too busy to find the time for it and hey, things aren't really that bad,right? We would fight, be distant, but I thought we always found each other/ reconnected. And since an A wasn't an option in my playbook, the counseling etc. took a backseat to the rest of our busy lives with 3 kids, 2 full time jobs etc.
Maybe if I had pushed the counseling earlier, or read love languages sooner......

Hindsight is 20/20.

But then I think about things I've read about As happening in good marriages. Just because the opportunity presents itself. I think WS definitely has/had boundary issues, so I am not sure anything we did or didn't do in our marriage would have mattered.

There is a quote I saw on SI..I can't remember the first word for sure but I think it is "Acceptance is giving up hope of a better past". Can't remember who to give credit for...and it might have been "forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past". Acceptance works for me.
Best of luck to you

me-BS 40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right on schedule....I was full of these types of questions from DD to 3 month mark.

Like any "accident", in hind sight we CAN see the signs of the impending action quite easily.

I use the term "accident" my profession accident investigation is part of my job as a manager. True accidents are rare in deed. A chainsaw accident can always be traced back to a choice the person who had the "accident" made that was poor.

This is where I struggle with adultery. My decision to trust and have faith my wife would NOT commit adultery NOW appears to be a poor choice on my part. But to live in a trust but verify mode within a marriage pre-A seems to miss the mark on what God had designed a M to be. This "trust but verify" mode of operation works very well (and is a given) in my industry.

I really don't think my M should be viewed in the same light as my $1.5 million dollar project at work.

So....what do I do as a BS?

Sorry...don't have much answers for you. I shared your same mode of operation. My counselor has helped me understand that my gut was telling me something was wrong months before my DD. I simply did not think adultery was an option for my wife, so I never investigated that as a possible "accident" within my M.

My counselor has gone on to say "Since you now know adultery was an option for my wife, when my gut acts up I will consider it a possible cause of that feeling....and will do my own "accident investigation" into this as a possibility."

Not a direct parallel to adultery....but hope it provides a bit of insight.

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked about problems in our friends' marriages and I always thought "we are better than that". Low and behold, yes our friends marriages have issues, but I am the only one dealing with an A

Well said Spinning73

Ah, yes. I remember those days. My wife and I did this exact same thing. Turns out I was more prideful then I ever would have thought. That pride blinded me to my own dangers.

Adultery is, among other things, a humbling experience for all involved.

This is a silver lining of sorts...for I believe it is only possible to grow in the absence of pride. If we THINK we know more then we do, we fail to learn what we dont know.

Pride gets in the way of growth.

Peace to us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days I absolutely hate myself for the way that I have handled our relationship. I also was proud of the "fact" that our relationship was so much better than friends' were. But at the same time, I knew that our relationship was nowhere near good. It was better than any I had ever seen, so I figured that was just as good as it got. I remember pre-dday (don't know if he was seeing her yet or not), I was so damn busy, trying to work, go to school, keep track of what my son was up to, take care of everything around the house, with absolutely no time to myself, and WBF was constantly wanting me to just sit with him and cuddle. I actually said one time, "UGH! why are you being so clingy?!" (or maybe it was needy, I don't know). He needed the affection and I didn't give it to him. I just hate myself for it.

But then I think, hey wait a minute, what the hell?? He could have picked up a little slack around the house, maybe cleaned up after himself, did some laundry once in a while, then maybe I wouldn't have been so damn busy. If he wanted to spend time with me, he could have offered to sit down and help me study. He never did anything. He just wanted to take, take, take, and give nothing in return. Ater all the little things I did for him over the years, while he only thought of himself, and I hate myself for not doing more???

On good days I can say I did the best I knew how to and that something this horrific had to happen for him to change and now things can be really great someday. On bad days I still hate myself for it and wish I would have given him more, but then, I think eventually it would have been me to turn out to be the WS.

We just have to get to a point where we can know that we have done the best we could with the tools, we had. Now we can use our new tools to make our future better than our past.

Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lucy17))) I understand completely how you feel.

I was so proud of the fact that all the couples we knew who married at the same time as us were divorced but we were still together 25 yrs strong and had a fantastic marriage. Oh how wrong I was!

I thought I was being the fabulous wife, doing all the housework and upkeep, managing our money, doing the majority of yard work, working full other words trying to be superwoman. Meanwhile I never complained that WH spent more time with friends on weekends and days off than me, didn't come home on time, crashed at his buddies instead of driving home drunk. Here's me all " no go have fun at the party, I'll just pop in a movie or read a book" all the while feeling a bit resentful, yet thinking he needed his guy time and friends. Yea right? He found a friend all right and I had no clue that the friend was a female that developed into an EA and likely would have become more.

When I confronted his answer was that he needed someone to talk to about the trouble in our marriage. I just stood there with my mouth open, and finally said " what troubles?" His response " we don't communicate and I feel like I am a bother in your life. Like you don't want me around". WTF!

I too have regrets that I was so easygoing, but like you said lesson learned.

Do you think that the majority of us here feel the same? It makes me wonder.

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you loud and clear. It's so strange to look back and see the signs.
One time in the middle of the cheating years, we were out to eat with a bunch of family. Everyone was happy to see each other and engaged in lively conversation, except WH. I remember clearly looking across the table from him and seeing him staring into space, not saying anything. It was so unlike him, I started feeling like something was wrong, really wrong.
I do know though that nothing I "shoulda, coulda done" would have stopped him. We have talked about it and he sadly agrees. He said he thought about telling me a couple of times when he felt guilty, but he didn't. I think it's a very good conversation to have, but please don't regret what you did/didn't do in the past Lucy.
We do learn lessons from this though don't we? The "school of infidelity" is a place we never wanted to attend.

Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 488 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply because you weren't aware of your WS internal problems or what they would mean in your marriage.

You may have recognized problems, but if the other party isn't being fully open you find yourself grappling with the wrong problems and coming up with the wrong answers.

Bottom line is that the communication is all F'ed up. I tried really hard to be a good spouse, the harder I tried the worse she felt about herself.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

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