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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He "carpooled" with his former EA today - WS please help
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said he's "sorry you feel hurt"

WTF kind of apology is that????

Look, this guy is NOT remorseful. Please try to detach, or this will be your life.

((((hpv))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2545 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ps - you are NOT in R, I'm so sorry

((((hpv))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2545 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently here – it seems like you are allowing him to lie because the truth is too painful and you want what he’s saying to be the truth. You know he’s lied in the past but the point you’re at now is as far as you really want to go. You do want the truth, but you are accepting less because it hurts less.

You believe you are a very rare 3% person that had a recessed case of HPV for 19 years instead of believing that the poly was wrong, when even the association that fully endorses them and in fact exists because of them, the APA (American Polygraph Association), through 80 study results (not 80 tests, but 80 full studies) came up with a best case scenario of 88% accuracy. Most others, including Psychology Today, think it is more around 65%, slightly better than a coin toss. You have grabbed onto “the person that gave the test knows what they are doing.” So does your doctor, when she told you that it’s extremely rare for HPV to be dormant that long, and that you most likely picked it up in the last two years – less time than your H has been ‘trying’ to cheat on you. Pap smears test for HPV – you don’t need a full STD screening for this. Is it possible that you did have one of those extremely rare cases? Yes – although I just did a search, and no where could I find 3%. All I found was ‘extremely rare’ or ‘unbelievably rare’, so I think 3% is a very generous number. Is it much more probable that your H passed a very unreliable test instead of you have an ‘unbelievably rare’ case of dormant HPV? Some food for thought…

He also said it didn't occur to him that carpooling would be a problem

Really? Did he not read the NC letter he sent? So communication of any kind is out of the question, but carpooling is fine, you know, because he sat in the back seat.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

At this point, it appears to just about every poster here that the choice is completely in your hands as to whether or not you continue to be betrayed by your husband, because he’s been very clear – he won’t stop betraying you. So you either separate, or you continue to believe his bullshit and you continue to be betrayed. Those are the only two choices.

BTW = he knew exactly what that NC letter meant, and so did she. What kind of conversation do you imagine they had about the letter, since they didn’t stop communicating? Do you think he just told her you were crazy and he’s sorry for sending it? Do you think that she made a comment like “she’s at it again, huh?” Have you thought about that? Because even if he’s trying to act like it never dawned on him that communicating after the NC letter was bad, she would have said “why are you talking to me at all? You are no longer communicating with me in any way?” You can’t possibly believe that neither of them understood the letter. This was a joke to them. Please – stop this madness and disrespect. It’s all up to you.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what everyone is saying, and maybe I used the wrong term. The email he sent was more of a "professional contact only" letter, that also said WH had behaved in appropriately in their previous conversations/emails, and would now be professional. So it's not zero contact,

At this point, I'm working from the assumption that I got the hpv from him and he's lying.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know tons of others have posted, but I would like to just say...

continue going with those assumptions. really let them sink in. Truly. Are you mad yet?
You should be FUMING!!!!!! I am for you!!!

180- lawyer- run---hefty bag...whatever you need to do...but please please please stop listening to him. please.

IMO and ever so gently- you are continuously making excuses for his actions and allowing him to snow you. Does he make it sound like you are so ridiculous for saying the things that you do? That is him trying to make you feel stupid so you question your own judgement.

He got caught with his hand crammed in the cookie jar and crumbs all over his face (HPV) and managed to convince you that NC was actually not NC because , you know--- he has a JOB and he HAS to talk to her. H
ow about apologizing and crying for the fact that he has to talk to her? Remorseful spouses are in true PAIN when they have to talk with the OP- they don't scoff at your concern and tell you to be reasonable. AND THEY CERTAINLY DONT HOP IN A CAR WITH THEM!
and now that he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar again, he is trying to explain that you never said he couldn't have cookies, you just said that he couldn't have a cookie on that one day- don't you remember? And whats the big deal? He's not going to EAT the cookie. He is just going to look at it and hold it a little bit. Geez...don't get your panties in a wad- its just a cookie. And he's not going to eat it.


I am so very very sorry. I am angry for you and am just waiting for you to see that you should be angry as well. THIS IS NOT R.
I hurt for you, because I know you want R...but it takes two, and IMHO...you are being played because you are kind and loving and want to believe the best. I don't think he deserves you.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hpv50)))

I'm so sorry. Any way you look at this, you are not getting the respect and truth and compassion you deserve. We're here for you to help get you where you need to be.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another FWS here.

I'd bet money the A hasn't ended. I worked with my AP in a fairly small company. There was little chance I *wouldn't* at least catch sight of him. If I did, I immediately looked elsewhere and I *definitely* didn't talk to him.

Your WH is lying, no doubt about it. As for the NC letter, did you actually see it or did he just tell you he sent it? If you didn't actually read it, I'd bet dollars to donuts he never sent it, never even wrote it. Either that or he has his own definition of NC which is "No contact unless I want to."

And of course he doesn't want to tell you about contact. If he did, he'd have the fact of his crappy behavior staring him in the face and have to deal with your anger/pain. Why would he want that? It would be...inconvenient for him.

He's gonna do what he wants to do. The question you should be asking yourself is how long are you going to put up with it?

Oh and as far as the "I'm sorry you're hurt" comment, if he was *truly* sorry he would have said "I'm sorry I did this to you."

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 12:19 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is in a fog still if he is trying to R. You need to shock the hell out of him. Throw him out for awhile. My fWH continued to try to get a "fix" through the AP boss BFF. I found out and told him to leave. That woke him up...that was exactly a month after D-day. Things went so much better after that. Scared the shit out of him...he realized I wasn't going to tolerate anything anymore.

The other option...the A went underground.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to add to the diagnosis....I was diagnosed as depressed. I still felt empathy for others. I still had compassion. Don't let a label excuse your rights to be treated with respect. I have no doubt that he is a flaming narcissist. Contact the "other" women yourself.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure there was additional person in the car and not just the two of them?


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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