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User Topic: What is your take on this???
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H has crappy boundaries, and does not do a good job of empathizing with others, this has been a problem for you guys since dday if I recall correctly.


It is professionally inappropriate for him to ask a co-worker to do this.

It's also inappropriate for him to disregard your feelings and continue to have another woman do it.

married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you how much your comments mean to me - ALL of them!

Regarding this issue...

Is there a reason he is unable to administer the testosterone himself? There are many sites that can be easily reached; the thigh is especially good---

My husband is a quadriplegic. He cannot move from the armpits down. His fingers do not move. Therefore he cannot give himself a shot. Even if he could operate the needle with the heel of his hand while somehow holding it with the other - he has no thigh. He has been paralyzed for over 30 years, and he literally has no thigh muscle from atrophy.

I have to be away from my computer for a few hours. I cannot wait to come back home tonight and read and reread these posts again and again.

I so appreciate all the perspectives.

He told me this morning that he asked his employee to give him the shot because I was so mad at him at the time. (He had gone to the doctor on his own and was preparing for his first injection before I knew anything about it. This already was bothering me because he did not include me - as we always did - in his health issues. Also, I was afraid of the side effects - neither one of us are really keen on prolonged medication.)

I responded that he could have asked if I wanted to help him. If I said no, then he could have respected my feelings enough to make a trip to the doctor once every 10 days.

I must add - in all fairness to him - that due to his disability and rehabilitation from his disability, every medical person in the eastern USA has seen him naked and done some proceedure on him. He doesn't have ANY kind of shyness, etc. regarding his body. I do believe this is true.

However, it doesn't explain away his lack of compassion for my feelings.

Thanks again. More later.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I understand where your H was coming from with the shot thing. If I needed to have some kind of gluteus injections and I couldn't do it myself, I would have a friend of mine or nurse coworker do it for me. I work in a clinic- as a nurse, I give patients (male, female, kids, whoever) shots all the time. In the arm, in the thigh, in the butt. I really isn't a sexual or intimate thing for me, or for any of my coworkers. I suppose it is a little different being in a clinical setting, but I would probably ask a male coworker nurse to give me a shot in my butt over asking my H to do it. Just because I know that a nurse knows what he/she is doing, and H does not. H is not used to that kind of stuff.

I can understand your concerns if this woman wasn't a nurse and he was having her do it, or if she was the OW or if you were concerned that something more intimate was going on.

To me, the bigger issue here is communication- or his lack of it. He should have talked to you before asking this person to give him injections.

The other thing I am hearing you say is that this didn't make you feel needed. You note that his sister does things for him, his coworker does things for him, so what is left for you to do for him. Is he normally a fairly independant person? Is this normally something you struggle with?

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he normally a fairly independant person? Is this normally something you struggle with?

Yes. Very independent. With him, it is almost like - whoever is in the most favor with him "gets" to help. If one of our kids has been disrespectful, but tries to help my husband with something, my WH will say that he doesn't need his help, and ask for the other kid to help.

When he was younger and competing in athletics constantly, I was like the pit crew. Helping with putting tape on and taking it off, etc.

Once, when we were first dating, (and I was doing all this 'pit crew' helping) we went to some kind of athletic event. His exfiance was there as part of the event. After the competition was over, WH came over to the side and I was walking over to him to take off the tape. He didn't see me (I don't think) and went over to the exfiance - she took the tape off. One if his long term friends told me who she was. It has stuck with me - and it was about 30 years ago.

I understand that if you need help for certain things that you don't want someone who has been rude to you, or is upset with you, to be the one to help. But sometimes it seems that he uses it as giving favor to one person over the other.

I guess this sounds like I'm in the 7th grade or something, but I have viewed this thing with the shot as him taking favor away from me because I was upset that he had not included me in his health issues. (I do know that there is nothing between him and this employee.)

I'm glad to hear many different opinions. My evil side has toyed with refusing to help him with this shot since I appear to be the second choice. My 'grown up' side knows I will help when I can with health related issues.

However, it will be very hard not to interpret this situation as just one more way he has found to withdraw from me.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so we know he isn't shy, and he had some excuse, but really?

He is manipulating you (which you probably know is a fairly common issue with Quads). If you are not aware of this, please do some google/reading research on the topic. It is a a phenomenon that occurs esp when the Quad is young and male when it happens. If you put yourself in an 18-25 year old shoes, you can certainly understand why it happens.

You need to call bullshit everytime you get it, and stop him, he needs to break the habit/cycle of this. It's up to you to help him see it when he's doing it.
If you don't the cycle will continue.

((((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I absolutely do not have any knowledge of this - that quads are manipulators.

I have been searching the net, and all I find is info regarding chiropractic manipulation.

Do you have any sources for me???

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Topic Posts: 26
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