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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: doing better but have some questions
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have posted a couple of positive things lately and really do feel like I am finally getting my life back together but I have a couple of questions. I hope those further along on this path can give me some guidance.

Even though I am feeling better, I still sometimes get a nagging feeling of just needing to talk about it. I think my IC would prefer I not bring it up with fWH and I know he prefers not to talk (although he will talk whenever I want). And the thing is, there really isn't anything new to talk about. We have gone over it all multiple times. So, is there some way for us to have a brief discussion? Some kind of check-in? For us, the A was 12 years ago but I only found out last year.

Also, at this point...one year out with a very remorseful fWH who continually beats himself up over this...is there anything I can or should do to help him? My instinct is to let him work it out himself.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your instinct is wise. You probably won't want to hear what he's beating himself up about. When I hit this stage, I suggested my W join SI and post on WS. That's been helpful, though it required my W to push through the initial responses she got from fWSes, which she thought were 'too harsh'. (She thought they were harsh, but she took them in.)

WRT the urge to talk about the A - I'm 34" months out and feel a similar urge. Until I can figure out a positive outcome from talking with my W, though, I'm keeping the urge to myself. YMMV.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Sisoon...you and my IC agree. Unless there is a clear positive outcome, don't talk. I hear it. It just isn't easy. But I thank you for saying it because it will help me be stronger.

I think the urge to talk is there because I feel like I have something left undone. Which is true. I am still healing and it just takes...sigh...time.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
reallysad2012
♀ Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay....still thinking about this today and am allowing it to take up too much of my time. I am home alone today, that's why.

Is there a substitute for talking things out when you feel like talking but know it won't be productive? Maybe talking about something else but at least connecting with your spouse? Seems like it should be simple but I just feel 'off' right now.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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