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User Topic: DH is confusing me by being nice and then mean again
Feelingsolost
♀ New Member
Member # 40727
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote this: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=508520&HL=40727 awhile back.

After a ton of tears, talking, etc, my husband started being nice. He told me he realized he needed to snap out of it. Saying how much he loved me, didn't want me to doubt his commitment,I'm the best thing to happen to him, etc. He even gave me a nice card saying how special I am.

This went on for two weeks and he stopped jogging with the possible OW. Then after Halloween they went jogging and I was sort of (but not really) OK with it. He then asked if I cared if they went out together. I said I didn't want him to but I wasn't going to tell him what he can and can't do because I don't want to be a bitch. I said he had to decide what he thought was right and what was wrong but no I don't think it was the smart or loving thing to do if he's trying to win my trust back. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. I don't know.

Anyways. They went out while I was staying with my sis because I said I wouldn't be there for that. It didn't even bother me to a degree because I'm exhausted from emotional pain. I couldn't get a hold of him until midnight and when I came home the next day I pretty much blew up at him over not even caring enough to text me. He apologized, said he handled it wrong, etc. Everything was sort of OK in the sense that he was being friendly.

Then he went to therapy and after that he's being cold again. He doesn't answer when I ask if he wants to stay married, if he will stop doing this, etc. He's just distant and wants me to fake being OK throughout the holidays and he's still in therapy trying to work it out.

I don't know that he slept with this OW but I told him it's emotional whether he realizes it or not. My husband is having a midlife crisis too, that much is obvious. However, I want to salvage our marriage. We've been together since we were 19 and we're 34 now. I love him, he's all I know and I'm terrified to be without him.

So why would he be nice to me if he's just going to turn around and be mean to me again? Is therapy likely to help him? (I'm in therapy too and we've gone together a few times). Has anyone else BTDT? Do you see any hope for me?

Sorry I just need to vent. I'm confused, hurt and almost numb at this point.

Edit:We talked and the most he will tell me right now is he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me. This sucks.

[This message edited by Feelingsolost at 6:20 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Texas
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He nice to you because he knows how to manipulate you. He's nice, gives you a false sense of confidence in him, he then pushes to go out with this possible OW and you let him. Once he gets what he wants, then he goes back to being the asshole that he really is.

Your husband went on a date with another woman. Stop putting up with his behavior and draw your line in the sand.

I'm terrified to be without him

If he dropped dead, you'd manage just fine without him. Don't underestimate your strength and ability to be just fine without him.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13644 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said I didn't want him to but I wasn't going to tell him what he can and can't do because I don't want to be a bitch.

See, IMO, this type of statement is confusing for a spouse too. I would bet that it's not just "not wanting to be a bitch". You want him to pick you...you NEED him to pick you.

So you need to actually tell him. Tell him that he's hurting your relationship by choosing her over you. That there are other options for running partners and it would mean so much to your heart if he chose one of them because he valued you and your M over the running partner.

You're not trying to control him, you're not trying to be a bitch. You're trying to put protective hedges around your M. He should be on board with that. IMO any time a spouse picks a "friend" over the person they claim is their life partner, there are serious issues.

This board is filled with BWs that didn't set boundaries because they wanted to be the "cool wife" or didn't want to be the "bitch wife". In a M, both parties should feel like they can be heard about protecting the M. I have friends who will not take a cab with a co-worker of the opposite sex...or even stay in the same hotel on business trips. Do people think that's over the top? Probably. Actually, I had one friend that felt that way. I told her that when we value something, we protect it at all costs and her H could do well to do the same (he was flirting with the neighbor). Turns out...she's a BW now, the neighbor being one of the OW, the other OW happening on business trips.

All of that said- read what lieshurt posted again. If your H isn't willing to protect your M, then be prepared for an eventual d-day. Read the Healing Library > BS FAQs #11 (the 180). After implementing that for a couple of weeks, you'll learn that you have probably ignored yourself for too long in favor of catering to him. You'll discover you can live without someone who messes with your head and your heart for his selfish wants.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10982 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may apply to you....
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/dv-cycle-of-abuse-women.php


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3256 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not wanting your WH to date while married to you does not make you a bitch. You are right you can't control him, but you can control if you want to remain in the M. Focus on you for awhile, your perspective will change. You are stronger than you think.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4499 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Feelingsolost
♀ New Member
Member # 40727
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you need to actually tell him. Tell him that he's hurting your relationship by choosing her over you. That there are other options for running partners and it would mean so much to your heart if he chose one of them because he valued you and your M over the running partner.

I've actually told him picking to do stuff with her over me is wrong, it sucks and it freaking hurts me.

If he dropped dead, you'd manage just fine without him. Don't underestimate your strength and ability to be just fine without him.

Right now I don't have a job or insurance but I'm working on it because I don't know what I will do money wise or insurance wise (which I need for some ongoing health issues) without him.

I'm so stressed. We talked earlier and he says he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me. My husband used to be so sweet, kind and loving. This is all suck a mind f***


Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Texas
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's takeing the opportunities you are giving
him. I understand your hurt, but you are letting
him hurt you. I would take him up on his
offer and let him be unmarried. You have to
be willing to walk to see if there is a real marriage
to salvage.

As it is, This is going no where but down hill, what
he is being allowed to do is proposterous. You know
This is wrong and that your in fact not being
a bitch, right? Don't let the crazy get you
sidetracked. It's wrong, wrong and your
Feelings of hurt are totally justified. Take good
care. .


Posts: 286 | Registered: Jul 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* Your situation is one of the ones that make me wish that Freaky Friday was a real phenomena.

First off. Please. Right now is NOT the time to be seeing your husband as DH. I'm assuming that the D stands for Dear....and, FSL, there is nothing *dear* about a man that is dating another woman right under his wife's nose. He is WayWardHusband (WH) through and through.

Secondly. The guy is 34. He's not having a mid-life crisis. He's being a disrespectful, manipulating, cake-eating douche.

I've actually told him picking to do stuff with her over me is wrong, it sucks and it freaking hurts me.

...and yet he does it anyway.

I understand wanting to salvage your marriage. But it takes 2 to do that successfully and your WH has proven that he's not playing by the same rules as you are. He is taking advantage of the fact that you are afraid to be without him. Will you feel content and fulfilled 50 years from now....knowing that you have been sharing your husband for all of that time? <--that sounds like a pretty miserable existence doesn't it?

What you've been doing isn't working. Being the collaborative, nice, non-bitchy wife has been a no-go. You need a new game plan.

You aren't powerless in this situation. Consult an attorney. Tell that person "my husband has another woman in his life and that is unacceptable to me. This is my situation -- no job, health issues that require insurance, etc -- What are my options?" Texas has made a recent change to the divorce laws -- no idea what it entails -- but by all accounts that I have seen, a *fault* divorce is allowed.

I know that you previously said that he had put his phone on *lock-down* again, but can you access the account online?

Right now, for your own emotional sanity.....stop *sharing* yourself with him. You've been sharing your *pain* with him for 2 months now and he is continuing to carry on doing whatever he wants to do. Trust me, he knows the difference between right and wrong. He knows that you are upset.....and he is choosing to not care.

Your WH is committing 2 of the biggest *sins* that a WH can commit:
(1) continuing contact with his AP; and
(2) saying that HE doesn't know if he wants to remain married or not.

Find your power, FSL. Allowing him to continue like this is very self-destructive.

{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 8

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