To clarify, up to this point I teeter between wanting to be left alone, miserable, puddle on the floor crying, quiet, depressed and/or really, really angry. That's been my rollercoaster. Those are the feelings I've had all this time. They don't vary in how they feel, only the cycle I feel them. These last few days, well, I WANT to be happy. Ok, I know it sounds weird. Who doesn't want to be happy, right? If you would have asked me if I wanted happiness, I would have said "yes" in a mechanical, eyes glazed over kind of way I'm sure. I really, really want it now. Such a strange feeling.
I've been actively starting to figure out changes I want to make and feeling good about it. I've forgotten what it feels like to feel good about anything and maybe that's where it's stemming from. All isn't roses, but it's different now. I wish I could put it down better than that...I'm not much of a writer and can't express well in words. The best visual I can give is like being outside on a day where it's been overcast for weeks and you get a ray of warm sunshine peek through. I don't know where this sunshine has come from, but I like standing in it.
Any others farther out than I KWIM? I don't want to get overly optimistic, but this is so different from the coaster I've been on since dday so maybe that's a good thing. I hope the insanity hasn't finally taken over.
***And I spelled "Somewhere" wrong. LMAO!
[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 3:40 PM, November 8th (Friday)]
I currently am struggling with apathy and not feeling too much. My Dr. is adjusting my meds so I'll see if it was that or just stuck in the Plain of Lethal Flatness.
Enjoy those happy days while you have them!!! I hope they continue to outweigh the bad days
The best visual I can give is like being outside on a day where it's been overcast for weeks and you get a ray of warm sunshine peek through. I don't know where this sunshine has come from, but I like standing in it.
I think you describe it beautifully.
It happens as a process, you start enjoying the sun, missing the sun every time you move back into the clouds...and the more you see the sun, the more you begin to crave it. I found it came in the form of small internal decisions to feed my happiness, instead of my sadness.
The longer this goes on, the more the you allow the sun to shine down on you. Eventually you find yourself mostly in a sunny place, with some occasional clouds.
I'd say this ray of hope is definitely worth the optimism.
I had therapy on Thursday and I was making my IC laugh with some of my stories. They weren't necessarily funny in the traditional sense but my on them and that I was laughing about it made him laugh.
He told me to enjoy the reprieve, I was do for it, needed it and not to question it too. He also told me to not be disappointed if it doesn't last but that now that I have experienced it, I should start to have more of these days.
He said for me, the most crucial influence on my mood is that h is "getting it" and is giving the reassurance and compassion that I have needed. That this is the reward for my battle. That I have been working so hard and it is finally starting to pay off.
Hoping the good days (was starting to wonder if they were a myth too) start to outnumber the bad.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
IMO, you have to open yourself up to happiness for it to come. (Actually, IMO you have to choose to be happy, but you have to process the sad/mad/scared feelings before you can be happy.) To open yourself up, you have to see happiness as a possibility, and you've sounded so unrelentingly hopeless recently.
My experience, too, was no happiness at all, yielding to flashes, yielding to seconds, then minutes, then hours. I haven't reached days, yet, but I know I will. (I'm going to a student percussion concert tonight, and I'm already feeling happy today. )
So hold on to your desire to find happiness again, and know that it (happiness) really is part of your life.