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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need some help please
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm writing this between a wall of tears. I'm absolutely petrified.

This morning, I used GPS to track my husband and found he was at a hotel room at 11:00 in the morning when we said he was at work. I parked my car, phoned him and he told me he was working somewhere else in the office and that's why he couldn't get to his desk phone. I said, "that's funny cause your car is outside the Radisson".

He came out, stood in front of me, said,"I don't even know what to say to you." I said "who are you with?" and he said, "I don't want to drag her name into this." I asked her if he loved her, and he said "I don't know."

Later in the day, and during the one and only crying phone call I made, he told me after some questions:

*I've been unhappy for two years.
*You're a negative person
*I don't know what to say

I asked if I should file for divorce and he said I probably should.

Right now, my DD left because I don't want to lean on her right now. I'm pacing the house in tears. I have called my close friend who helps so much, but I'm falling apart.

I've known for a few weeks that something wasn't right, hence the GPS. But now that I know, I feel so much worse than when I only had suspicions.

This is the same man just bought a house with me less than a year ago. There so much involved with this that I don't have the will to go into it now. Just know that I am financially trapped. I'm heartbroken and I want to die. I honestly don't want to be here.

Last night we made love and it was great as always, he kissed me on the head and lips this morning and said he loved me so much, this knowing he was going to plug some broad in a hotel room all day.

I can't believe this is my life.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:24 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This place is slow on the weekends. Easier said than done but try to clam down. Take things one min at a time if you have to. Breathe. Go for a walk/run.

Nobody wants to be here. There are a lot of good folks here and a lot of good help. They will be here to help you soon.

There is quite a bit of shock and a lot of feelings come out when you first find out for sure, but you can get through this. Youíre going to be on a rollercoaster for a while with a lot of ups and downs. Go to the healing library.

Most important right now is to take care of yourself! Iíll hang out here for a while if you need to talk or you can pm me.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 513 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I regret to welcome you to a club that no one ever wants to join. But you have found a good place. Weekends tend to be a little less active here. So more help will arrive slowly at first. But help will arrive.

I call the experience you have just had 'when it all collapses into a single frame'. You were suspicious, you took steps, your worst fears were realized. And it is as devastating as it is sickening. But it is both survivable and, in time, manageable. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

One breath, one minute, one step at a time. This is all you can do at first as you come to terms with this.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
LetMeRollIt
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry you are here. You've come to the right place.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will be feeling all kinds of emotions. Of course u love him, u can't just turn that off. Just know that first you'll mind of go numb at times, u may even not believe it. You'll get angry, sad, depressed etc BUT a person that is unhappy shod have communicated that to you. He is trying to justify his actions. Nothing justifies betrayal. If he were a real man instead of a cheat he would have spoke to you about it and not try to knock you down by saying you are negative. This is a horrible thing to experience. It is selfish on his part. DO NOT allow him to place the blame on you. Find your anger. Your husband the one that you have been loyal to has been looking u in the eyes and lying , he has been having sex with someone else and possibly putting your heyb at risk without even being considerate enough to tell u. Do not take this on as something you have done. This is him satisfying his ego. Take time to yourself. You need to digest this before you allow your emotions and now low self esteem to decide that you will accept this behavior. It's his fault. He needs to own it.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the responses, because right now I can barely function.

He's texted a few times saying "I'm so sorry I've destroyed everything." "I'm so sorry" "I shouldn't have did what I did." But I can't do anything. I feel like I've had the skin pulled off me.

Throughout our marriage I've had suspicions, but because I could never prove anything and honestly, he treated me so well I'd feel guilty for snooping. I knew he had actively "fished" a few times during our marriage, (emails to coworkers inviting them out for drinks), and I'm a fool for brushing it under the rug and settling into our "happy" life. I am the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. There's more that he's done that anybody in their right mind would have ran away from. But no not me. Damn.

He'd buy flowers all time, we had a great sex life, always telling me he loved me and how happy he was with his life and now suddenly, I'm abandoned? Who the F does that? Isn't that what a psycopath does?

We've been married 7 years. Right now I'm tearing our room apart and putting his stuff in the basement. I can't deal with it. At this point he doesn't seem to be fighting for me anyway. When I was at the hotel, he let me walk away in tears . . . did nothing to stop me.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Lola)))

Please read the healing library, you will get lots more help there.

During this time, make sure you eat and take care of yourself. I know that so many things come into your head, but no matter what, you don't deserve to be treated like this.

He said you should file for divorce; you don't have to make any decisions now.

If you can please get an STD test as now you know he has been sleeping around. Protect yourself. Take your future and your life into your hands. You call the shots.

I know that finances come into your head, but we have stay at home moms with more than 3 kids who Survived. You can too!

You will be ok! You are a beautiful, intelligent person with or without him.

Make sure you take care of yourself. We are here for you!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh I know what you're going through all too well. I wish I had great advice for you but truthfully your story could be mine. I caught my serial cheater red handed snuggled up with someone at a club. I needed to see it for myself. He treated me horribly and humiliated me in front of the OP and somehow a few months later we were back together. Woohoo I won the prize !!!! I actually though we reconciled every thing was going well and then I busted him with someone else and I still Am considering taking him back. So u are not an idiot. If you continue to accept this like I have - then you'd be an idiot -- I've been with him for 20+ years. We had a great many years. I hope u put your foot down and set boundaries. Idk if you have children. But if u do not-- leave and don't look back. They never change. I've been trying for the last 5 years. I need to change instead of trying to change him. Do not accept this in your life.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh I know what you're going through all too well. I wish I had great advice for you but truthfully your story could be mine. I caught my serial cheater red handed snuggled up with someone at a club. I needed to see it for myself. He treated me horribly and humiliated me in front of the OP and somehow a few months later we were back together. Woohoo I won the prize !!!! I actually though we reconciled every thing was going well and then I busted him with someone else and I still Am considering taking him back. So u are not an idiot. If you continue to accept this like I have - then you'd be an idiot -- I've been with him for 20+ years. We had a great many years. I hope u put your foot down and set boundaries. Idk if you have children. But if u do not-- leave and don't look back. They never change. I've been trying for the last 5 years. I need to change instead of trying to change him. Do not accept this in your life.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Lola7.....I'm sorry. So very sorry. You are in good hands here. What is of utmost importance now is you and your basic needs. Eat what you can. Drink water. Rest. Rest. Rest. I lost 30 pounds the first month. I can't speak medically but Boost shakes helped me a bit. Some nutrition to sustain my body.

Therapy and counseling should be on the your radar as well.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. The people here will help you. Keep posting.

(((Lola7)))

[This message edited by sunsetslost at 10:31 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs ((((Lola)))). First, welcome, SI is a wonderful place. Second, you are NOT an idiot, you were a trusting wife and he deceived you in the worst possible way.

The pain of finding out is gut-wrenching and overwhelming, but it's better that you know the truth than to just have suspicions, because that will drive you crazy. I had three nervous breakdowns before my H finally confessed the truth and I wish I had been able to bust him in the act like you did.

*I've been unhappy for two years.
*You're a negative person
*I don't know what to say

Those are just excuses and attempts to blame you for what he did. Even if any of it were true, he made a *choice* to cheat so don't let him put any blame for his actions off on you. This is ALL on HIM!

Please take care, keep posting and reading here. You are not alone.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9716 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was at the hotel, he let me walk away in tears . . . did nothing to stop me

That is heart-breaking. I am so sorry. {{{hugs}}}

Good on you for moving his crap into the basement. Right now you need some space from this person who has treated you so callously.

And I'm sorry that you are dealing with his "I'm sorry I destroyed everything....even though a few hours ago I told you that I've been unhappy for the past 2 years and your attitude sucks" mind-fuck.

When/if he comes home....don't engage with him. Ignore him. If he attempts to speak to you....here's your response "I will be consulting with a lawyer about this situation." *close door in his face* If he insists on explaining or talking -- tell him to email you. <--(I'm not kidding) Completely distance yourself from him for a few days so that you have some time to process what you saw and can consider your future without having to *deal* with him or any of the crazy shit that he will be willing to say right now.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8007 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't express how thankful I am for the kind words. It really is keeping me going at the moment. I feel so pathetic.

I don't understand how someone can just be here, in this bed, and we're happy as clams, and he's laying there fully aware of what he's going to do the next day. I know I'm rambling now, just venting. He was the absolute love of my life. I don't even know the person I saw today.

Thank you so much for your words and I will definitely look into the healing library. I might as well because I have a feeling I will watching the sun rise. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I'm sure smoking like a champ though. Angry because I quit almost 4 years ago. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and my whole life will have to be rebuilt. How the fuck does anybody get over this?

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:06 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lola)))

We do survive! We put our bitch shoes on and we stand up ans say we are not going to be tossed aside for our WS's choices and selfish needs.

Yes, please do go talk to an attorney who can give you advice on your options. You and your child should be your number one priority right now.

It doesn't matter if the house is in his name. Your married, all for one and one for all.

My house is in foreclosure right now because of my SAWH. I have 3 kids. It will all be ok.

I would suggest seeing an individual counselor. Also, if you want to stop smoking, maybe running or journaling may be a different choice. Good for you that you quit!

He is seems to be going along with his affair right in front of you, without any care for your feelings. He is making excuses to cover his own bad choices. Right out of the cheaters handbook.

Take back control! Find your anger.

Above all, ignore him right now. You need to sort things out. See a good friend, visit family. Gather your support system.

You CAN do this!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How the fuck does anybody get over this?
Time.

If you happen to break a few of his thing while placing downstairs...so be it.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 513 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished the first of many huge breakdowns I expect as I come to the realization that this is really over. I slept for maybe an hour, and woke up in tears knowing this is Day one; Day one of a bleak, dark hole that somehow Iím going to have to climb out of. I expect this is what Saturday and Sunday will be like. Monday I donít know what happens. I donít know if he wants to come back here, I donít know how Iíll stomach him being in the same house with me. I read up on the 180 and considering the way Iím feeling right now, will be my only salvation and hope for a normal life someday. I know this is all fresh, but still, I never thought Iíd be feeling so awful and alone and discarded. I do need to toughen up. Ironically, Iím seen as a ďstrongĒ person by my friends and family, so maybe thatís why Iím completely falling apart when Iím alone. I donít feel emotionally equipped to handle this. I know I need IC right away. Iíve got some abandonment issues stemming from my award-winning childhood, but I need to pull it together. I feel guilty that I feel so degenerated, and that doesnít even make any sense!

On one hand, I want him to beg forgiveness and on the other, I just want him to go away. I have a feeling though, that all he will offer me going forward are his stream of ĒIím so sorryísĒ, but he only does this for himself. He wants to appear as this noble man that is sure sorry it had to be this way, but he had to be happy. He'll be saying how sorry he is as he backs away out of my life he left in ruins. I'm sorrry. He likes to be the hero, the good guy. I can imagine him telling his family that heís been unhappy for a 2 years like he tried to feed me, but they will all back him like the pack of wolves that they are. If you were so unhappy, you could have shared that with me, instead of always saying, ďWe got everything we need baby, we got it made.Ē Apparently, he needed a little more.

I wish I had faith that things will get better, but I just donít. I worry that Iím just going to be alone forever. My mind is filled with things to agonize over. Then, I feel like waving a white flag and crawling under a rock.
Sorry, just needed to vent. Phew.

@Kphantom: Oops there goes another beer mug! I'm so sorry.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Lola7)))))

Don't you feel guilty for not being 'strong' right now. Your entire world was just shaken up, dumped on the ground and stomped on. You went from making love to the love of your life to seeing him let you walk away and go back into his hotel room with OW in the span of 12 hours or so. You've had less that 24 hours to digest that. No one is strong in that position - no one. You're actually doing very well. You aren't texting him, you're packing his things, you're being as strong as you can be.

In the beginning everyone feels what you're feeling. It's amazing how many WSs do actually come crawling back. It seems when the affair is outed it isn't so fun anymore. It's seen for what it is - a cheap fling with a lesser person. The 'excitement' of being bad is gone. Now it's just life, and it isn't what most people want.

You don't need to worry about him right now. You only need to worry about you. You won't be alone forever. There is a forum here called "New Beginnings". Check it out. Everyone there felt just as you did at one time.

As for what your H said to you about his unhappiness and whatnot - it's just garbage. He's deflecting his guilt by blaming you for his issues. If he was unhappy he had so many ways to deal with it, including talking with you. Instead he lied, pretended he was fine, and did the sleaziest thing possible - cheated. It's a very cheap way to feel better. It's all external validation for a broken person. That is NOT your fault, in any way. His inability to work through issues is not your fault. His inability to talk to you is not your fault. His lying to you so you would have no idea there were problems is not your fault. Don't accept blame, for any of it. He has some lousy coping skills. That is his issue, not yours. Do NOT let him make you feel like you caused this. You didn't, at all.

The others have offered some great advice. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. There are over 40,000 members, just on this site. You will make it to the other side of this, and how that looks is probably up to you. You don't see that right now, but that's the truth.

We're always here if you need to scream, cry, ask questions, etc. You aren't alone out there.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to tell you that you WILL get through this! There were so many days and nights in those first few months that I thought I would never get through. It's now been years since then and what I can tell you is, I LOVE my life more than I ever have. I thought I was happy with my ex, and I guess I was. But my life now is just SO MUCH BETTER! I did not have to be without him very long before it was apparent how much of a drag on my boat he was.

Hang in there. You will get through this. Not getting through is just not an option!


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all know what you're going through Lola7. Keep posting here. And take care of your basic needs. Eat what you can. Drink water. Take deep breaths. You will get through this. We all will


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola,

The emotional 'roller coaster' is the first dark ride you go on when the realization that the person you trusted most and built no protection from has betrayed you. It can be no other way really. And so, you just need to go with it, recognizing that all these feelings and thoughts will just come almost no matter what else you want or do. And it's okay.

Take care of yourself first. Breathe, allow all those emotions to occur and pass through you. Rest when you can, eat well - all those things that seem so trite actually do add up to something.

If you can find a therapist or counselor, please do so as quickly as you can. An outside view from a professional can be invaluable as you process the madness that comes from betrayal.

And post here. There are (far too) many of us that have been on this ride. So, get it out. Soon enough, the beginnings of your way forward will begin to take shape.

Peace and strength.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 60
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