It hurts. LORD, does it hurt. But it gets better.
If you have been called strong and are known for being strong, then my guess is, YOU ARE STRONG. You will be strong enough to survive this and kick ass surviving it!
Being strong does not mean you don't feel devastated. It means you find a way to "OOPS! another beer mug" have a brief chuckle at the dark humor and keep on keeping on.
After a long while, I stopped saying "I can't believe he did this to me." I realized that he didn't do this TO ME. He NEVER even thought about me or the consequences or the way I would feel. He just DID THIS. Because he has something deeply broken, flawed and selfish inside of HIM.
I am sorry you are here. But welcome all the same.
[This message edited by selkiescot at 10:23 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]
One more thing...if he does come crawling back to you, please know that this does NOT mean that the A is over. He may just be hiding it better. Where is he that you're alone this weekend??
In my situation, when I found the emails he swore he would end it the next day. (I didn't know about this site yet, so I handled everything WRONG). Anyway, all they did was set up a new email account, and I think they met again a couple of times, although I don't have proof of that part. Once I found the new email address (sent to our email by mistake) I left. Only then did my WH pull his head out of his butt.
Please just read and read in the Healing Library. Also, see an atty on Monday, and give them all your financial info. Make sure you have your WH's 2012 W-2 and yours, if applicable, with you for that appt.
You will come out of this so much better, no matter which way it goes. How he let you leave the parking lot of that hotel is beyond me. You need to 180 him and arm yourself with knowledge.
As for the OW, she's not my concern. I think she's an out of towner through his work, and even if she wasn't it would be someone else. I'm fixating on HIS actions right now and honestly haven't thought about true reconciliation. I'm just trying to not have a meltdown every 20 minutes, and failing miserably.
The way I feel right now, I don't want to see his face again.
It is really really important to stay hydrated and eat. I know in the beginning your taste buds don't work and you forget to drink water but YOU MUST. If you can, get in to see your doctor. I needed to use xanax in the early weeks just to function and get a few hours of sleep at night.
Do you have IRL family and friends that you can get support from?
I am so sorry that you are here but you have come to the right place. We have ALL been there done that. We are all in different stages. I want to tell you that it does get better. So much better but it takes time and work. It takes healing, grieving, rebuilding. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR HUSBANDS AFFAIR. Post often. Read everything.
If you feel suicidal, call for help! You have been traumatized. We are here for you.
I am so, so sorry. Please keep posting here. We all have your back!!! Also, as everyone has been saying, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He is the one that is broken inside that he can do this! Please remember that!
[This message edited by Raven96 at 12:09 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]
I've been drinking since I woke up in tears this morning. I keep drinking, but I never get drunk. I'm like Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm tired, but I dread sleep because that's when the real pain sets in. During the day I can rationalize what he did to me, talk to friends, but now, I'm just obliterated by it all. And I miss him so much. And that's pathetic after what he did. It's all I can do to NOT turn the phone on and beg for an explanation. Don't worry, I will NOT do that.
Instead I cry and pace and sob like I never have in my life. The worst part . . . he doesn't care how this has killed me. He cares about him.
Again, just rambling. But if you can give me suggestions on how to begin 180 on Monday I'd be very thankful. Right now, I just feel like I'll cry, and that's not going to help me.
(I know - Stop drinking for starters.)
[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
I reread some of my posts and the first 2 weeks after i just found out was a blur to me then and still is to this day.
I remember reading something that like 90% of relationships that start out as an affair do not work out. it's something about the thrill of it being wrong and when it's put out into the open not as exciting anymore. This was true in my case as well. This guy is no longer in my or my x's life.
don't worry about the house right now. worry about taking care of yourself! try to eat and sleep as much as you can. keep posting and letting us know your okay. Thanks!
For the 180, you just start. Pick something to do, and do it. It will feel awful, and raw, and you'll feel completely exposed, like everyone knows what happened. They don't, and if they did it wouldn't matter. You will stop feeling that way after only a few outings, but you will feel it if you go out on Monday, or if you wait 3 months. It just is.
So that feeling goes away. You've getting stronger - getting used to being strong, and happy, and BUSY. You are calling friends and making plans, and maybe joining a gym or taking a new class. Again, it will feel very forced at first, but the point is to get used to it, to see that you can do it, and very, very soon you will feel better, more independent, confident, and strong. It will happen. The 180 is designed for that. Feelings follow actions.
For this weekend, you just lay low. You cry, you nap, you do what you need to do. The shock of this is terrifying. Again, if you want to break down and cry, you do that. There is no shame in feeling sad or hurt. This is not your fault.
Iím panicking because I donít want to hear that he just doesnít love me anymore. Boom Ė Just like that. Iím afraid when I see his face, Iíll just fall apart. I cannot believe heís done this to our marriage; our whole life is just shit to him. Maybe he'll just want to sell this house and move on. Maybe he should because I don't even know if I want the memories. I have no idea what I want. Clearly.
Monday will be good. I'll find IC, find a lawyer, figure out what the fuck I am going to do. I'd be angry, if I just wasn't so heartbroken. I reread the posts here and it helps. I just have to get through each hour and hope this gets better.
[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:09 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]
He may tell you that he "loves you but is not in love with you." He may tell you that he doesn't love you. He may tell you that he loves her. He is in La-La Land right now and doesn't have his head screwed on correctly. You do. You are arming yourself with information. You will not take his crap any longer!!!!
You could be overbearing?? Me, too! I don't cook. I don't keep a perfect house. We parent differently. I still DID NOT deserve to be cheated on!! No one does. I was just as unhappy as he was in our marriage. I never would have cheated on him!
You didn't do anything to cause this. HE is the one that is broken. HE is the one that is throwing everything away for a casual F. You are responsible for 50% of your marriage. That's it. The rest is on him! You need to concentrate on you. An atty will be able to help you with the questions you have about your house and your future. You just have to get through right now.
I found that nights were the worst, too. Somehow once morning comes things don't look as bleak. It's okay to ask your Dr. to help you for something to help you sleep and get throught hte nights.
You mentioned that you sometimes felt that you couldn't trust him. That was your gut talking to you. That is going to be very important during the next days, weeks and months. Listen to your gut always! If it is telling you that something is off, it is! If it is telling you he is lying, he is!
Actions speak louder than words. If he comes home, pay attention to how he acts. Is he defensive? Is he shifting the blame to you? Is he remorseful? (Be careful with that last one...mine acted VERY remorseful at first. Little did I know that he just took his A underground). If he is "remorseful," what is he doing to show you how sorry he is? Mine acted remorseful, and then about three nights later I asked him to hold me when we went to bed because I was feeling bad. He said, "You hold me." My gut was SCREAMING at me that he wasn't sorry...and he wasn't yet. Do not let him shift this onto you in any way, shape or form. HE is the one that did this. Not you!
Read and re-read the 180. Do not let him get in your face should he come home. If you do talk and afterward need advice or an opinion on how it went, post here. We have all walked in your shoes. Right now you need to protect you. F HIM!!!!!
Also, you may not feel like it, but you're strong. On d-day I was a mess. MrH walked out and I drove two hours to his mom's house because that's where he said he might go. He wasn't even there. So I had to drive home and sleep alone. When he did come home he didn't want to sleep next to me so he slept on the couch. I slept on the floor. ON THE FLOOR! I think back now and I'm so ashamed of that. You're stronger than that, even if you don't feel like it right now.
A man who has been so unhappy for years doesn't buy a house in the middle of looking for a way out of the M. He doesn't plan for retirement. Unless he's a moron, he knows that enmeshes you further. No, he's rewriting history in order to appear like less of the bastard that he's being.
If he won't name OW, my guess is you know her or know of her. It might be too soon for you, but I'm picturing this woman thinking she's having a romantic tryst. Your WH answers a call from you in the midst of that tryst...then he actually walks out and leaves her to go talk to you. I get a chuckle at the thought of that homewrecker being treated like that when I'm sure she thinks she's the world and all the rainbows in it.
I'd also guess that now that the secret is out, he's going to get pressure to legitimize the "relationship". The problem there is As are fantasy. Reality sucks a lot of the time. He's going to see OW in the harsh light of reality and smack himself upside the head for screwing up what he had with you.
You can get through this because you've already showed your strength. Now just let their world fall apart while you build yours bigger and better.
'Self medication' with alcohol, nicotine and caffeine (and more) is one way to respond to trauma. But hardly the best way.
Can you throw yourself into some kind of exercise routine for your body and other activities for your mind and emotions?
The shock you have taken and are enduring is very real. Trying to bury it with substances doesn't work. And taking it head on can seem overwhelming.
Those early days when you are physically alone and emotionally abandoned are very bad. Everyone here will tell you that.
Please seek counseling as soon as you can. A therapist, a minister - any experienced and qualified outside person can help you begin to process the stresses and help you begin to develop some context for where you are and how you will move forward.
The long nights and barren days will begin to fade. But some support right now is what you need to help you see that though you have never felt more alone, there is a way forward.
Peace and strength.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
It will get better. He may say some crazy things to you, things you aren't prepared to hear. Right now he's probably in full deflection mode. He has to be to bear the horrible, disgusting thing he's done. He will grasp at straws at anything to make this NOT his fault. He will use his feelings, your behavior, his 'deserving' something or other. It's all nonsense, and lies, and just a way to get the blame off of his shoulders. The problem is, he knows and you know that's exactly where the blame belongs. So, if you hear the things you are afraid to hear, just remember that in the first few days or even weeks, the WS can and will say some outlandish garbage. They will rewrite the marital history, they will say they haven't been happy in a long time. They will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Just ignore him. He's in a crazy fog that makes him guiltless.
I'm sorry you're feeling that abandonment fear. It's scary as hell and it makes the confusion so much worse. Really, it is probably the worst part of those first few days - what will life look like now? You'll move in and out of that and anger, and sadness.
Try to find a book on infidelity. Dive in - learn. It will help you understand this mess and will occupy your mind. The reason I suggest infidelity is that anything else and you may find your mind wandering back to your H and his cheating. If it's infidelity, you will be dealing with what he's done and be able to focus a bit more.
Exercise - find a kickboxing workout. Put everything you have into it. I know that's hard but you will feel so much better afterwards - stronger, clear headed, and you will get some aggressions out as well.
We're here. Keep posting. Let it out. You don't have to dwell on it alone.
DO NOT FORGET YOUR WORTH AS A PERSON. DO not beg, do not take a backward look at him unless he comes to you OOZING remorse and willing to kick his GF into the gutter without a backward glance.
I am a happier, more fulfilled person without my husband today than I would have been with him, but it took about 18 months for me to achieve that. I wasted time trying to love him back. Anyone who cheats on another like this is a worthless person who deserves no love.
You, on the other side of this mess, have a bright future. Keep that in mind and meanwhile do what it takes to get through. xxxxx
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
My FWH, put his mother onto me and decided I was a controlling overbearing bitch. Things he forgot, he doesn't do anything in regards to our house or life unless I remind him. I had to have a blow up sometimes to get him to do some things I couldn't do.
After him being in IC for quiet awhile and us starting and stopping MC, what was realized is this. My FWH controls everything by not doing anything or making any decisions. He needed this dynamic.
I go online and transfer 50 percent of funds to a new account. Eat something healthy and drink a lot of water.
So we agreed to separate and work on ourselves. He said he's got an appointment for IC, will get a place this week. He will be sleeping downstairs and will leave Friday. He told me multiple times he wants to figure out who he is and I told him I needed to get back to the old me, and not his mother.
Now here's the thing, we drank all night, and of course, had sex and it was great. He laughed cried and hugged each other and blah blah blah. Then we wake this morning and I just feel awful again. I know I'm making this way to fucking easy on him. He wants to keep our finances combined and I'll still handle the bills but now that I'm sober and had time to think, I'm fucking mad and hurt again.
I think that if we separate we can't be talking and texting and emailing each other. And we sure as hell can't sleep together. He needs to know what it's like to NOT have me in his life. This man destroyed me and I feel like he's made this all about "boo hoo I'm so fucked up, poor me." Well WHAT ABOUT ME!! I just had my heart ripped out. WTF!!!
I have to stop worrying about whether we will get back together! I have to stop worrying if he's going to fuck this bitch while we're apart. He can have his life but he doesn't get to have me in it. For fuck's sake I'm making this TOO EASY for him.
Today I called an IC that was recommended to me through a friend. Hopefully I can get in to see him this week. WS will be spending the night but I've made plans to sleep at a friends so he'll be here by himself. I need to stay away from him. I called my doctor and hopefully will have Xanax at my pharmacy soon. Also, I will open my own bank account, but still pay our shared bills though our joint account. I need to detach from him. Oh and I'm going to take a shower and join a gym. I can't believe I said that, but I am.
I've lost 8 pounds in a week. I can barely eat. My brain is in a fog so I'm just sort of talking to myself and pushing myself into all this. It feels horrible.
And I'm so fucking hurt and mad at him for doing this shit to us. I don't want to talk to him after he moves. I don't even want to see him on FB. Shouldn't I just remove him? I mean I want him to know what it feels like to NOT have me! Right now I can't stand him.
[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:54 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
It is very important for both of you that you give him the gift of missing you. Unless you do that, there is a near certainty that you will be no more than training wheels and safety net for him.
The only way he can begin to understand what is at risk is if you let him figure out what it means to him to be without you and your marriage.
No one will tell you that a firm 180 is easy. Almost no one will tell you that it is not worth every ounce of courage you can muster to do it.
Meanwhile, the 180 is mostly for you - to get some clarity, some perspective and to focus on what it is that you want and need most.