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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need some help please
HollyLou
♀ New Member
Member # 41248
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola- I found reading the 5 stages of grief for infidelity was really helpful, since I can almost anticipate my emotions and rationally acknowledge 'where I am'. Seems silly, but for me, it helped knowing that I'm not crazy- I AM GRIEVING. Grieving for a loss of trust; grieving for a loss of marriage that won't be the same ever.

Knowing these stages, naming my emotions actually helps me feel stronger. Makes me feel VALIDATED. Helps control the anger and turn it away from ME but outward- mostly to OW right now, even if WS deserves it more. (hey, I'm new here too!)

At least you are getting some good sex out of it. We are NOT. He is in the guest room, but in the house. I'm actually not sure HOW/IF/WHEN we ever get back there!!


BW, 45
WH, 48
D-Day 10/30/13
M: 17 yrs
2 DDs 15, 13
Status: ??

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: MA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Lola -
As you have already learned there are some AWESOME people here, and they all have the shared experience of going through this.

Please make yourself a to do list, and get started on it.

You are definitely doing the right thing with getting some pharmaceutical support right now. If you are not getting the mandatory 3 done it makes thinking and controlling your emotions much more difficult.
So please if you are still having trouble sleeping talk to your Dr. Make sure you are able to get some good solid sleep every couple of days at a minimum, but shoot for a goal of at least 5 hours every night.

Also make sure you are eating, and if you are unable to eat that you are getting protein in you, with shakes, and so forth. This too impacts your ability to think clearly.

The third is staying hydrated. Please know that alcohol is a natural diuretic, and self medicating with it, while numbing the pain briefly only makes you feel worse and more foggy the next day.

Your To Do list should include:
1. Make an appt with a Divorce attorney. You need to get a good feel for how things are going to happen financially should you not R. Not knowing can cause you to make some decisions and choices that can impact you negatively.

2. Go to your Dr, and get tested for STD's. This is a sad reality that we all have to face. The one thing you know for sure is that your spouse has been lying, so when he says he has used a condom, don't believe him.

3. Focus on you. Put you first, and do what makes you feel happy. Do NOT blame yourself for his choices, you are a smart woman, and are very capable. Know this, as you face each day.

The pain from infidelity is overwhelming, and for many of us is the worst pain we have experienced thus far in our lives. But you will survive it, and you will become stronger, smarter, and more confident, with or without him as a result of it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7803 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now in the soap opera which is my life . . . He came back again to pick up some things. He's upset, I'm upset, we're staying 6 feet away from each other and we're basket-cases.

I told him that I was afraid if he moves out he's going to see this other person. He tells me that he doesn't want to leave at all, but will do it if that's what I want. I told him I don't know what I want. That this whole thing has destroyed me, that I didn't want any of this. He apologized again, he's in tears and we're both incapable of finishing sentences because we start crying. This conversation is the worst.

I told him if I let him stay here and we work on it, we'd have to sleep separately for awhile. There would have to be complete transparency. He'd have to break it off with the OP and I want to hear it on speaker phone. He'd have to give me passwords to everything. I told him I hate that I have to ask for that, but I wouldn't be able to do this otherwise. I also want no more FB. He agreed to all of it, and started to cry again and apologized for the whole thing.

He will go to MC also, and seems genuinely remorseful. But his infidelity has shaken apart everything. I want him back, and I don't want him back.

I know I'm all over the place. I really don't know what we'll end up doing. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm sure things will change again in another couple hours. I hate my life.

If I allow him back, I better be doing some HARD 180. God this sucks.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:56 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola,

An in-house 180 is not necessarily bad, especially with the directives you have laid out. It is more tempting for both of you to rug-sweep important issues.

Your resolve will be constantly tested this way. But you have taken some important steps. If he follows through and you do, while you maintain the 180, this may work, it may not.

If it doesn't work, make sure it's not you that helps it not to work.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will get better. He may say some crazy things to you, things you aren't prepared to hear. Right now he's probably in full deflection mode. He has to be to bear the horrible, disgusting thing he's done. He will grasp at straws at anything to make this NOT his fault. He will use his feelings, your behavior, his 'deserving' something or other. It's all nonsense, and lies, and just a way to get the blame off of his shoulders. The problem is, he knows and you know that's exactly where the blame belongs. So, if you hear the things you are afraid to hear, just remember that in the first few days or even weeks, the WS can and will say some outlandish garbage. They will rewrite the marital history, they will say they haven't been happy in a long time. They will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Just ignore him. He's in a crazy fog that makes him guiltless.

^^^Exactly this!^^^ I endured this from my fWH for almost 2 months after he got caught! Its all on him. Not YOU!


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've gotten lots of good advice, I second (or third or fourth) that you should read The Healing Library and read about the 180.

And this - you BOTH need to get tested for STDs - before you have sex with him again. (And read about HB as well.) Men cannot be tested for everything. When he gets his results back, insist on seeing the results for yourself.

Make sure he sends a NC letter or email to the OW and that you get to read it before he sends it if you are thinking about R.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband's 1st AP was a woman from college and his 2nd AP was a woman from high school.

Those old relationships are VERY powerful and have a very strong pull. This likely has been going on for some time.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola, my heart goes out to you.

I followed my H and his mistress one night when they went to their cheap motel. Fortunately I couldn't keep up with them because they drove way too fast, and if I hadn't lost them, I would have driven the car right through the door.

I commend you for your control. Leaving you in tears is inexcusable.

You have received good advice here. I hope you re read all the posts and let them sink in. I often re read posts and thoughts from the time I was where you are now and I realize how wise the advice was. I wish I had listened more carefully, but I was also in a state of despair, horror, fear, pain and denial.

These words in particular spoke to me, posted on the previous page. I will post them after this so that I don't lose this message. (I am not too good at quotes!)

Listen to these words. I wish I had because then we might be much further along in the reconciliation process.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here it is, from Merlin

It is very important for both of you that you give him the gift of missing you. Unless you do that, there is a near certainty that you will be no more than training wheels and safety net for him.

The only way he can begin to understand what is at risk is if you let him figure out what it means to him to be without you and your marriage.

Listen to these words


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all are completely right in your advice and have literally been a life line to me through this. I just wanted to update that I poured gasoline and lit a match over the idea of having him here. I couldn't stomach it. As of right now, no reconciliation. I'm letting him go, and when I have enough saved, will file for divorce. I just couldn't go through any more hoops with him.

Right now, we are over. And as much as that hurts, I think its the absolute right thing. I'm doing ok right now. I will get some meds this week and start therapy asap. I'm fighting for my normal self. Thank you thank you thank you so much for the support. I'll update soon. I'm doing better now that this is finally, FINALLY at a point where my path makes sense.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And one more thing, I found the OW's husband and have sent him an email letting him know about the affair. I know where he works as well, so if she intercepts the email, she can't stop me from visiting him at work.

durate et vosmet rebus servate secundis
Carry on and preserve yourselves for better times


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so proud of you Lola! Please continue to think about you first and foremost.

You will survive this! Keep posting.
We are here for you.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Lola!!!

You're feeling better, but angry. That's not a bad thing. It does help when they show up and want to R. It takes the fear out of things, and puts the ball where it belongs - in your court!!

You may change your mind several times over the next few months. You want to R, you don't, you do, you don't and so on. That's perfectly normal. Don't think you're crazy for it. We've all been there - or most of us.

I'm glad he came around, even if you don't want him. As I said, that fear that they do love the OW, and they don't love BS, is scary, and can really do a number on any clear thinking. Now you know you can do whatever you want, and whatever that is, we'll all be here to support you!!


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1738 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you. But I've been through the ringer with this man. He's already moved out, on our family, our pets, our life here. He's mad that I outed him and I'm just not prepared to go through anymore pain.

He's shown remorse, but not enough. It's been mostly for him, not for what he did to me. I've just had it. I'm utterly destroyed, sad, up and down, but I refuse to grovel to a man that It trying to destroy me. Fuck him.

I found out more stuff but I think I'll keep it off here. Let me just say, he's not only heartless and vile but so is the OW. They deserve each other.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 7:49 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited - Apparently other eyes on this as well.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:13 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lola)))

Thinking of you this morning. You'll be ok in time. Keep taking care of yourself please.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lola))) You won't feel this way forever - try to focus on just one day at a time for now - we're all thinking of you.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope today is better.

The thing that sent me into orbit about your story was his protection of the OW. He said let's keep her out of this? Too bad. She is way up into this. You f**k a married man, you get no protection. Not from the BS and not from the public.

I read an analogy about the WS and the AP. The WH pulled the trigger in the A, but the OW held the gun.

My true sympathy. I see so many things in common that come out of most WS mouths. The handbook to cheating hell must be required reading.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1398 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I know it's best in the long run, but I wake up stunned. It just dropped on my head like a bowling ball. He's angry because I think because I blew the affair to OW's husband, and now that all his friends and family are yelling at him, he has to do a desperate grab for her to validate the relationship.

Apparently OW and husband are reconciling. Now husband is mad I ruined their great love affair. Is this son-of-bitch for real?

And why do I keep feeling so bad about this dirt bag!!!! One minute I'm good, the next I'm sobbing in the ladies room.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:15 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lola7)))

I lost a lot of weight going through the divorce diet. Went from a solid 160 to 125 and people were thinking I was on illegal drugs. Taking care of yourself right now is the most important thing you need to do. Sleep, eat, and hydrate!

You do NOT have to make any decisions right now, especially if it is based on whether the OW wants to be a part of his life or not. Make your decisions on what YOU want. If that is you donít want to decide anything right now thatís fine too. Talk to a lawyer and try to start understanding outcomes for reconciliation or not.

180 is great if you can do that. You had no control over the affair, however you can take control now and it should be based on what YOU WANT.

By the way I think your doing a fine job handling this thus far. I know itís hard but take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Itís going to get better.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola, you did the right thing by outing the A to OBS. Your H is doing what many foggy WSs do - blaming you for his horrid actions. If you aren't the bad guy, who is? It can't be him, right?

When the fog lifts, he'll start to see what he's destroyed all because he's selfish and stupid. You'll see - his anger at you won't last. You may not want to reconcile, but he will wake up, and feel like the ass that he is.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1738 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
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