D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
We only get one chance at this life. Why would you want to spend one extra minute of it with someone that doesn't get the awesomeness that is you?
Surely WH and I could just fake it for a week...
For a week, yes you could. Long term, no. You would be doing your daughter a disservice if you tried. You are her example of what a HEALTHY relationship is supposed to be. If you stay with a serial cheater, then you are setting your daughter up for heartache and failure in her future. I'm sorry, but staying for religious reasons is selfish if they doom your daughter to dysfunctional relationships.
I'm sorry, but staying for religious reasons is selfish if they doom your daughter to dysfunctional relationships.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
You are not called to martyr yourself on the alter of marriage. Don't turn the marriage contract into an idol.
Tomorrow will work out on whatever way it works out, whether it be ugly or pretty. Your anxiety about this at midnight serves no one. It doesn't do you any good. Try and breathe deeply, relax, let it roll of your body. Your cortisol levels are high, not good to be in that as a constant state.
You gotta take better care of yourself. I wish I knew you in real life, if you were my friend I would be there. Is there anyone you can talk to?
Now I am in retirement facing the possibility of having to go back to work in marginally bad health (mobility/pain issue due to injury)..
My WH is an asshat and he is also a dead weight around my neck because he is unemployed without pension or savings..
I have 30 years of hard earned pension and savings, but I was never a high level executive employee, so my financials cannot support two households in the case of separation or D..
If you are about to finish up with your Masters in 6 months or less, I understand your reluctance to rock the boat...But if you have another 2 years to go, it will be a looooong 2 years, especially if WH is acting like an ass hat without consideration of your feelings or your daughter..
Isn't it possible to get some kind of financial settlement in a S or D to cover for your schooling? Tuition reimbursement thru your job? If this is one of your top priorities financially and you do D, I would take a lump sum of money up front versus having your WH pay it out in monthly installments..
I know how hard it is to work the long hours with people's lives/wellbeing in your hands....And hospitals are getting to be very unforgiving about the amount of PTO time allowed in a year for sick calls...Do you have enough vacation/sick/PTO days saved up that you can apply for FMLA(paid)? If you do decide to file for D or S and it comes time to move or kick WH out, it might be useful to have several weeks off..This time off can help you get your day to day life back on track(without WH) and stabilized( finding a place, reliable child care, etc) before you have to focus on work again...
Sending you strength...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:26 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]
You need to get your hea straight. Yes I believe you can fake it and play happy family for your trip. But I also believe you need to prep for major changes when you get home. Go talk to an attorney and find out why your rights are. I know you don't believe in divorce but this is in NO way a Marriage either.
Your H is abusing you. He is not showing you love, respect, or support. He is showing you shame and abuse. He is manipulating you into feeling guilty, and that the problems he has are due to shortcomings in you or your M. How in the world can you even consider staying with someone like this? It's the wrong message for your daughter. You aren't showing her that a woman can be strong, independent, happy, without tolerating some asshole abusing you.
You said you don't want to ever remarry great don't! But to open yoursel up for another 30-40-50 years of this stress and abuse isn't fair to you. Life is short and should be spent happy and this situation is not happy
It may take losing the M to save it, especially if your WH has any redeeming qualities that will make him feel remorse down the road..
IMHO, it isn't fair for you or your daughter to sit around waiting for months, years for your WH to defog, feel remorse and behave like a loving caring life partner because it may never happen..
I think the very least you can do while in-house with WH is to make yourself and your daughter a priority in your decisions .. In other words invest the time, energy and money you have in yourself and your daughter and let your WH fend for himself..
No matter what decision you make about your M, it is still a good idea to separate your finances from your WH's and make the time/energy to build a solid exit plan...
Fortunately our savings acct is in my name only, so I can just start moving that money somewhere (if I need to, I don't know if it is considered marital property since it's in my name). We also have two houses that I am on the deed for, but not the mortgage...so paying that falls on him.
Talking to a lawyer can help you figure out where you stand if you D. Doesn't mean you have to file at this point - you can use it arm yourself with knowledge.
Putting all that aside, I highly recommend you read up on the 180 and put it into action for your own good. You can't make him do anything. But you can protect yourself from the impact of his actions.