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Newest Member: Alaska77 (44743)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Print this and Keep it, it saved me!
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the SerJr post from some years ago, that touched me, and kept me going through really rough times. I have it printed and keep it with me.

"...As such, there are a number of principles that one can apply to nearly every affair and they will hold true:
- The affair is not your fault. Your wayward spouse did not have an affair because you weren’t meeting his emotional needs. Your wayward spouse had an affair because he failed to protect himself from his own vulnerabilities. Affairs are rooted in fear and are in no way a reflection of the marriage regardless of whether he blames it on you, the marriage, the other person, your doggy, or anything else under the sun.
- Affairs are the manifestation of a wayward spouse's attempt to medicate his internal fears. Often, the fear is of intimacy or inadequacy and these fears create the barriers preventing him from getting his emotional needs met. A lack of a solid, stable inner core enables the drive for external validation that greases the slope of inappropriate behavior.
- His inappropriate behavior conflicts with the vision he wants to have of himself which drives the necessary lies, denial, and self-deception in order to justify and rationalize his behavior. Your wayward spouse is not under some foreign influence – one must be in command of his faculties to know which lies to tell himself.
- Until your wayward spouse does the necessary introspection to take responsibility for his choices, if he ever does, your marriage will not get better. He needs to resolve why he did this and how to have a healthy, functioning relationship. You are not responsible for his choices, nor for the consequences thereof. This does not, however, absolve you from doing what you can to improve yourself for yourself.
- You cannot control your wayward spouse and, as such, you cannot directly control the outcome. Let your wayward spouse make his own choices, and focus on yourself and your healing. To do so requires setting up boundaries. A boundary is not an expectation for someone else to change, but a conditional requirement for you to change in order to protect your wellbeing. Your own well-being will never interfere with someone else’s.
- There is no quick and easy way out of this. Action is needed to promote a change and there will be risk associated with any action. However, no action will promote no change.
- Fear is the great paralyzer that draws the shadows longer. You must value and protect yourself, in spite of the fear of losing your wayward spouse or enforcing boundaries, because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway. The threat of the wayward spouse is a direct affront to your intrinsic value.
- You are always a worthy human being, and this/here is never any reason to conduct yourself, or allow others to force you, in any direction in which your basic merit and rights as a human being are challenged.
- Your goal is not to rebuild the marriage at any cost… your goal is to guide yourself to where you need to be, regardless of the outcome. You cannot directly choose your circumstances, but you can control yourself and indirectly, but surely, create the world you seek.
- You need to look out for yourself and figure out what it is that you want. Do what is best for you and do not compromise on your fundamental beliefs, values, and character. You alone are responsible for writing the chapters in your story.
- Change is inevitable… and you do possess the capacity to rise above it.
- Life will move on… but you gotta move with it.
- You're gonna be okay."
SerJr


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Lostandpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is awesome.
Thank you for sharing it.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great, thank you for sharing, I'll keep it also.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truer words never said, thanks for sharing!


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I love this.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
browneyesbelieve
♀ New Member
Member # 41469
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so printing and keeping this close!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2013
TennisTC
♀ Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to read this today. Thanks!!


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I"m going to print this out and hang it where I can see it every day.


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
Jocelyn
♀ New Member
Member # 41459
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is wonderful! I'm tearing up reading this, I really needed to see this tonight.


Me (BS): 32 WH: 33 1 young child
Married 7 years, together 10.
SA WH had PA with Married-OW in another state. We started R (10-22-13) and ~1 mth later I found out they are still talking via email.
Have been actively R since Nov-13.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thank you for sharing! Read this at a very appropriate time for me, as I am readying to present WH with a long letter including setting up my NEW boundaries.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 451 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 10

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