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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Friendly or flirting?
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things I love about my H, he is a friendly likeable person.

But he can’t even say more than hello to the cashier at the store (or any woman) without me wondering if he flirting or just being friendly. I’ve told him I think he flirts with most women. He thinks he treats men & women the same. I wish I knew....Am I seeing things that shouldn’t happen or am I just overly sensitive and jealous?

The other day he even asked if I thought his actions were inappropriate.

I said “I’m not sure.” I couldn’t put my finger on it. It wasn’t anything he said or did. There wasn’t a special look between him & any of the women. It was a feeling I had of uncertainty.

Then he said “that’s the way I am with people now.”

I almost felt like he was telling me “this is the way I am and will be, when I interact with other people so get used to it”

Was I jealous of his interaction with the other women(not AP)in the room? Yes.
Was it unfounded? Good question.
Is observing what she was eating for lunch and commenting on it over the line? Not really, but it made me wonder how they interact when I’m not around.

I miss the day when I didn’t question everything, wish I could have it back, don’t think I ever will.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 307 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's not sure, why doesn't he change his behavior so he IS sure he isn't crossing any lines?

That is, IMO he has work to do on himself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:28 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, been there, big time. How can you not question every interaction at this point??

We had numerous discussions around this topic that sort of went nowhere and then we had two "incidents" that were light bulb moments for my H.

He now recognizes that in fact he did used to take note of the women in the room and sort of act accordingly in attempt to get affirmations. Because he wasn't having affairs with them or even attracted to them, he truly didn't see it as wrong .

He gets it now and says it feels so much better. I know he gets it, I sense the difference and yet I'm still nervous. Trust takes time.

It sounds like your H doesn't quite get it yet. Keep talking, explaining and feeling.

p.s. My husband is also a friendly, likeable person and I worried that I was trying to change his nature, he assures me is still friendly likeable but he is also now honourable.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's not sure, why doesn't he change his behavior so he IS sure he isn't crossing any lines?

I don't think he thought he was. There have been times when I called him out on things & he didn't have a clue, how it may appear to me or others. Because of the situation we were in and the conversation we were having I think he was trying to see my point of view.

hummm......an awakening for me or enabling him?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 307 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then he said “that’s the way I am with people now.”

I almost felt like he was telling me “this is the way I am and will be, when I interact with other people so get used to it”


That is how I behaved PRE-AFFAIR, not post-affair.

IMO, he's just flirting at your expense.

Ask him if he's willing to limit his bantering to just men. Let him know, it'll allow you to feel more cherished and loved knowing other women will not be receiving what should be reserved for you alone. This is a very simple and reasonable request.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you seen him treat men the same way he treats women, in that same "friendly" manner?

I can say that Pre A, I bought my FWH's "friendly" with everyone mantra as the truth, but when I really sat down and thought about it, he isn't nearly as friendly and comfortable with men as he seems with women. And now it makes sense based on recognized FOO issues.

In the past, I saw his friendliness through the same lens as my mine existed, I am interested in the lives of others and am moved by their stories. My interest in others was not gender motivated.
My FWH however was not viewing things in the same way. Not even close. My FWH had things on his radar, that don't even register on mine.
In hindsight, that should have tipped me off, but then again, without experience, how could I have known.

If his behavior seems "off" to you in any way...trust your instincts. He has work to do. If every observation your H has, is in regard to women...then it's women he has on his radar.

If his interest is in food, the dish the woman is eating...you would hear only about food. How many comments does he make about another man's food?


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss the day when I didn’t question everything, wish I could have it back, don’t think I ever will.

Amen.

My WH is also flirty and makes friends easily with women, it has always bothered me, but it went from being a slight annoyance eye roll type behavior pre-A to now being completely intolerable/fear inducing/nerve wracking major problem for me. It is proven that W's have boundary problems, or they wouldn't have had an A in the first place. So when you KNOW it's a problem, but even after the A they don't see or even acknowledge the boundary problem, how do we ever rest easy?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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