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User Topic: Sometimes I wish I would have waited and let it go further...
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught WS at the beginning of what I considered an EA perhaps could have developed into a PA with a coworker. For almost 3 months they chatted through email and Facebook. They were flirty and a few conversations had some sexual innuendo. She once said, "miss you, love ya, and we have Friday (day they worked together) back at the end of May. Then in July two days the conversations turned sexual. One of the biggest issues I've had is how do I classify this? Was it simply an inappropriate conversation between two coworkers or was it an EA? Both claim it was nothing and something they got caught up in because they were bored. Her reaction to his latest NC letter tells me she was in fact emotionally invested at some level. His hesitance to maintain NC sort of tells me the same. He claims it wouldn't have continued even if I hadn't confronted him but I know that's not true. At times I really wish I would have let it progress so he couldn't hid behind "it wasn't like that" and "it meant nothing". I wish I had solid proof of what I believe was really taking place.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He claims it wouldn't have continued even if I hadn't confronted him but I know that's not true.

I think he may be snowing you--dazzling you with bullsh*t so you don't react--he is downplaying things. I read your profile. Something is going on. Half naked ladies on his friends list?Deleting messages before he came home from work?

This sexual turn to the email/FB conversations is inappropriate behavior with a coworker. If done on company time, they could both be in hot water. If done outside company time, well, that's time he should be in the marriage.

Trust your gut.

From now on, you will be more aware of things. If someone is going to step outside the marriage vows, they will do so and now that you "caught" him once (EA or not), he is likely to be much more careful.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 4:37 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I know he has minimized a lot. What I can't decide is if his minimization is a sign he isn't as remorseful as claims to be and if it will happen again even though he has insisted it won't. He removed all the women on Facebook. That was a gradual process and the majority of it happened when he sensed I may leave and during our separation.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps the 180?

The first thing I figured out with my FWH was an EA in the works, they weren't at the point yet of even innuendo or endearments. I was devastated though, knowing he was texting another woman and hiding those texts from me was terrible (though turns out, the least of my worries).

I guess my point is that regardless of the depth of their "EA", it hurt(s) you and needs to not only stop completely but be dealt with thoroughly by the two of you.

You are not over reacting, he is under reacting.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I haven't tried 180 yet. Perhaps I should. How do you gauge when they have actually come to terms with everything? He has changed in some ways. He at least admits it was wrong but not the extent of what he did. He's trying to be a better father and husband but I feel like I will never get past this if he doesn't really come to terms with what was really going on.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I haven't tried 180 yet. Perhaps I should. How do you gauge when they have actually come to terms with everything? He has changed in some ways. He at least admits it was wrong but not the extent of what he did. He's trying to be a better father and husband but I feel like I will never get past this if he doesn't really come to terms with what was really going on.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cl131716,

No, you are fortunate if you headed this off before PA. I understand your logic regarding a concrete or black and white situation being easier to parse, but there is nothing good about an EA that turns PA. Some may say they are nearly equally bad, and I do understand that perspective. But the opportunity for R (and the process itself) may be significantly harder once you become aware of their specific PA behaviors and acts.


Posts: 202 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard the same thing from my ws...I too used to think I wish it had gone farther so I could have caught him because he was so nonchalant about his "inappropriate texting". I felt like I was betrayed, I felt like he cheated, but according to him I was over reacting. Come to find out he was lying. I'm not saying your ws is but just that I know the feeling of wanting something I could grasp that proved why I felt the way I did. I'm probably not wording this right but hopefully you get what I mean.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught MrH in the middle of an EA. She was on the other side of the country so no PA. He told me it was "just a game". We were only 21 yo at the time so I guess that's his way of saying his ego was being stroked and she didn't seem real.

What it did was destroy what I thought I had. Because of FOO issues I felt I was unlovable and in MrH I thought I found someone who as something special in me. This showed me he didn't. I happened to be the one he M.

We had other issues that culminated in a legal S and when we reconciled (I thought we did anyhow) things were better than ever. Until my friend xOw1.

We never acknowledged the harm done to our M with the EA. MrH never acknowledged how wrong and damaging his choices were, it was minimized and buried. It meant he kept his wayward mindset of whatever made him feel good was ok. So when xOw1 approached him and offered herself sexually, he didn't even hesitate.

Your WH needs to acknowledge the damage he's done and why he was having an A. My guess is, like MrH it might not have been emotional involvement so much as an ego stroke but with the added element of potential sex- no matter how much your WH tries to deny it. If he doesn't, risk of either the A starting up again or a different one is increased dramatically.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11182 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Topic Posts: 9

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