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User Topic: How Did I Pick Such a Cheater?
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately I have been thinking about all I glossed over before marrying WH. He would see ex-girlfriends behind my back, lie to me over little things, etc. There were signs he would cheat. We broke up over it but ultimately got back together. I am just wondering if you guys saw this stuff and dismissed it. I am not saying I deserved to be cheated on, only that I regret not paying attention to the small character flaws that mushroomed during his MLC into affairs, online dating, phone sex, etc.

BW 52
WH 55
M 23 years
son 13
ddays 2007 & 2010


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the club, sister. An awful lot of us can look back now and see signs we saw but deliberately chose to not take seriously.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9494 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh, yes I did overlook a lot. I a still working to forgive myself because of the damage this has done to my kids.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Jan 2010
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely think that I turned a blind eye to things before we were married (namely the mass amounts of porn he lied and said wasn't his), because I wanted so desperately for him to be a good guy...and I really thought he was in all other ways, so believing the lies made it work-for a little while anyhow.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like you are in good company Day...your post made me feel not so alone...

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
mom of 2
♀ Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, yep, and yep! I overlooked a lot before and after marriage. Like you I don't blame myself for his cheating, but sometimes I do want to kick my own ass.


Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13296 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Didn't see any of this. Always thought he was my greatest gift. Didn't have a clue this would happen to me - to us. Maybe I was naÔve, but I honestly thought he'd never do this. I knew he lied about the little things (smoking etc.) but never would have believed he was capable of this.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know about wanting to kick my own ass over it. I sometimes think to myself - what did I honestly THINK would happen with someone who lied to me while we were dating? I want to tell my kid - be VERY CAREFUL who you marry, it will be the most important decision of your life.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
mom of 2
♀ Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devastated,

I think we were all devastated.

No. Didn't see any of this. Always thought he was my greatest gift. Didn't have a clue this would happen to me - to us. Maybe I was naÔve, but I honestly thought he'd never do this. I knew he lied about the little things (smoking etc.) but never would have believed he was capable of this.

None of us saw it coming. That's the point. Hindsight is a bitch. And 20/20.



Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13296 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES. Blinded by love?

He has always gotten mad at me for making "assumptions" about him based on his actions, or "grouping" him with other people. He's not the exception, he is the rule!!


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not see these things but friends said "something about him is not right"...but could not put their finger on it. I suspect the NPD and passive aggression stuff.

Things would not add up sometimes that he said or or his words and actions did not match, but it did not occur to me, in lala land, to be worried. It didn't affect daily life or anything, how naÔve was I?

I ask sometimes why they did not try to stop me? And got answers like, "Oh, it was good to see you happy" and so on. Bla, bla, bla.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely should have known better. She cheated while we were dating. And not just the fact that she cheated, but the way she cheated. She went on a cruise with her mother and decided that an on-board fling was required to really enjoy herself at sea. In her mind, a cruise equaled NSA sex and she did not want to pass up the opportunity.

Fast forward to married life... a business trip equaled NSA sex and she did not want to pass up the opportunity.


Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2013
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately I have been thinking about all I glossed over before marrying WH. He would see ex-girlfriends behind my back, lie to me over little things, etc. There were signs he would cheat. We broke up over it but ultimately got back together. I am just wondering if you guys saw this stuff and dismissed it. I am not saying I deserved to be cheated on, only that I regret not paying attention to the small character flaws that mushroomed during his MLC into affairs, online dating, phone sex, etc.

Yep. That's why I won't date. I'm just not interested in reproving to myself what a lousy picker I am.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3691 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yea! Count me in on this.....when I look back now, I think how could I have looked past all of that shit? Not jus inappropriate relationships, but his irresponsible nature and his white lies, and many other things.

I chalk it up to......I was young and stupid and oh so in love. Sigh. Coulda shoulda woulda thinking I guess.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 370 | Registered: Aug 2013
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, lots of signs he either was cheating or was primed for it. poor boundaries, lying over lots of things, big and small, always out with the "guys" during the whole marriage, poor communicator, always needing validation, inappropriate flirting, especially after a few drinks.

Plus anytime we took a trip anywhere, he would like to have a night alone to "explore" he would say. He'd come back a few hours later usually intoxicated. Even if he wasn't actually hooking up, I always felt he was out behaving inappropriately with women for ego strokes.

He always had a thing about unrealistic romance...beyond what anyone would consider fun...it was about unrealistic expectations. He never wanted me to be real, to argue with him over anything because he would say "there are lots of OTHER things I would rather do with my wife other than fight....hint....nudge" Great...but I wanted reality. He wanted NOTHING to ever do with reality. He wanted a fairytale with me....always. It was a lot of pressure.

He hated me in normal underwear...only wanted me in thongs. He wouldn't be an outright jerk if I wore full underwear but he wouldn't be attentive with anything other than porn star like behavior from me. He would be nice enough but seemed tremendously bored with day to day life.

One day it all hit the fan and it was like he became so careless...maybe on purpose.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 8:51 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guilty! I am kicking myself for being sooooo stupid. I truly thought he would be a good man. a role model for our children...boy was I wrong....he us still cheating and I am stuck trying to find a way out.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw extreme selfishness and an obsessive need to "win" any discussion but stupidly overlooked them.

Instead I saw a single father with custody of his three young children who seemed to truly care for me. I was naive and inexperienced and completely out of my depth. My parents didn't approve and the only thing my Mom said was, "Maybe he will have expectations of you that you can't meet". Boy, was she right. Little did I know those expectations would be porn-driven and appear after 27 years of M.

I kick myself every day for my poor decisions.


Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first he seemed like a good man, attentive, flattering, took care of my car, always wanted to be with me. Then it became obvious he had a bad temper, then he hung out late with the guys drinking, then he kept telling others lie when the truth seemed more convenient! His best friend was a cheater. We broke up a few times but then he would always beg back in so sweetly and I had no thoughts he was cheating before marriage even though I wasn't doing premarital sex. Over the years he showed himself to be selfish, lazy, and a liar, and finally a serial cheater.

Now I realize I squandered my virginity and 13 years of my life on a man who was destined to betray me. The next guy will have to be a devout Christian who doesn't lie or party or drink to get a chance....


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I could do one thing it would be go back in time and PAY ATTENTION to all the warning signs! I just wanted the relationship so much that I just kept turning a blind eye. So many regrets.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that one needs to pay close attention to yellow and red flags, prior to getting married. The problem is that it doesn't inoculate you.

My first love (high school) cheated on me. It devastated me for years. Over the years, when I dated, I looked for any signsmthat someone might cheat. I didn't get married until I was 49 years old. I chose my W very carefully. She showed NO signs. No flirting. Etc. Etc. I lived with her for two years before we married. After two kids and six years of M, she had a PA with her boss and we're now D.

So, go figure.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 940 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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