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User Topic: Please I Need Perspective
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted here a couple of months ago about a coworker of my WH sending him an email "cathching up". She finished by saying they should go out to dinner some time - he should give her a call. I was furious and he didn't understand it. I asked you all here for your opinions which you gave assuring me that I was not overreacting etc. I showed him the responses and I made myself very clear about his boundary issues.

I don't check up on him as a rule. Why bother? If he wants to cheat he will as he has demonstrated by having a LTA. Today is the anniversary of the last day we heard from the OW and I have been feeling sensitive. I decided to check his LinkedIn account. There was a message from this same woman with the subject : Thinking of You.

The message was all about "catching up" and to give her a call, that she had lots of news. There was no response to her from him at least not on this account. If this is suppose to be a professional relationship is there any time EVER that the subject of a message should be THINKING OF YOU? He has started to delete messages on this account now, where he didn't before I told him they were archived. And if there is nothing to it why didn't he tell me about it? Please I need some perspective. Am I right to be horrified and suspicious? I am so upset.


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 343 | Registered: Oct 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be upset too. "Thinking of you". Give me a break! Nothing professional about that. Of course you cannot control someone else reaching out to your H but should he have shared with you? Of course!

What is the plan now? This woman clearly does not mind stepping over the line. Did he ever respond to her?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if he responded. Why didn't he tell me that she had contacted him again? If he has nothing to hide then why hide? I have access to this account but he knows I don't check. If he is trying to be open and transparent is this the way to go about it? I don't care about her - I'm not married to her. But if he is innocent is he stupid? Who sends a colleague a note with that subject unless they are being suggestive? He must have known this was inappropriate and worthy of a mention to avoid this happening OR he is at it again?


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 343 | Registered: Oct 2011
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going through something similar with my WH right now, and while I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I KNOW to trust my gut...my heart tries to make it all make sense, but my gut is never wrong. Trust your instincts on this one...


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's hard, because he didn't tell you and you found out by yourself.

Maybe it would help to sit down together in a quiet moment and ask him if he can let you know if he gets messages like that from any other women (including her). Maybe he needs to learn that it's a teamwork thing - mending his boundaries and being supportive of you is a team effort.

Regardless if she's initiating or not, it's something that makes you uncomfortable, and since he actually did cheat on you, ignoring that would be insensitive to your triggers. He must be mindful of his boundaries and consider if, to the extent that he's capable, he can avoid leaving any windows open for people to approach him that way. Does he need to have this coworker on LinkedIn? Probably not.

Does she work elsewhere now? These "missing you" emails would come across as her not being there anymore... or is she? Either way, overstepping boundaries.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - that's gut-wrenching stress. LISTEN to your gut, keep your eyes wide open and continue to check up on this inappropriate communication.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With her it could just be fishing. The red flag is here:

He has started to delete messages on this account now, where he didn't before I told him they were archived.

My guess is she's fishing because he's shown he'll bite.

What's your plan if he cheats again?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To clarify this isn't the OW that he had a LTA with. This is a work colleague who he worked with years ago.

He is away on business so last night after seeing this exchange on LinkedIn I suggested that he had left home early to go out for dinner with this woman. He said he didn't respond to her last email out of "deference" to me. This is the email that I thought was inappropriate, asking him to go out for dinner some night.

Her message to him thanks him for endorsing her on Linkedin.

So he did contact her. I refused to talk to him on the phone last night and this morning received a text saying: "Are we still in the world of revenge and anger? I hope that the cold light of morning sheds a better light and that sense now prevails"

Would you respond to such a condescending message?

Later he asked me if I was ok. I said no. He said that there was nothing to worry about re this woman. I then asked " so you haven't been in contact with her?"
His response: "Just on LinkedIn. She thinks I should move to her company"

I called him a liar. If he hasn't been in contact with her how could she suggest that he move to her company, right?

His response: "Are we really back to this? There is nothing going on, believe it or not I don't care. It isn't worth being back here again. Believe what you like."

Is this the reaction of a guilty man?


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 343 | Registered: Oct 2011
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your questions – yes, that does sound like a guilty man.

That message he sent you was definitely condescending and arrogant. Hoping you came to your senses? That alone would have me angry. Interesting that he didn’t answer your question either. He deflected it back to you. And what doesn’t he care about? Doesn’t care whether or not you believe him? Doesn’t sound very remorseful to me. Actually, he sounds down-right irritated with you for being such a pain in the neck about all this.


When he asks “are we really back to his?” Simply say YES, we are! He should be doing everything you need …AND he should be happy to do so!

Again, yes – he sounds like a guilty man.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This reminds me SO much of the answers my WH would give me- so MAD at me for feeling angry. What do they expect?! He made me feel like I was overreacting! Again, keep your eyes open. I found more info -unfortunately.

Seriously, it's spooky how much your H sounds like mine. Are we married to the same guy?!


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After DDay I looked at my H's emails with OW that were supposed to be professional and business related. He signs off with a saved signature. Hers on he other hand started with the "thinking of you" genre and shortly went to "love ya" then "love you". I was livid that my H let that go on for months before the PA. I am sure it rocked his world to have a 35 year old do this, but his boundaries sucked.

I would not let this go. His actions suggest guilt at the most and insensitivity towards you at the least. You are is wife. Why is he treating you like the enemy to be conquered or some obstacle to get around?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very sorry... but from my perspective, it sounds very much like my H did after he had originally confessed his A to me, and then had rekindled it and added on some online dating. He had a reason for everything. He became very angry at me for no real reason, when I would call him at work and he didn't answer, and I would ask where he was. He would say things like, 'Fine. I'll just sit by the phone and wait for you to call and I won't go anywhere. Because that's what you want'. Where he was, was giving oral to a 20 year old stranger in his office.

I would be very suspicious... mostly because your gut is telling you something is off. Your gut does not lie to you. Your H lied to you, but your gut told you the truth, didn't it?

Bottom line, you have every reason in the world to doubt him, and he should care very much about earning back your trust. If he doesn't, then he is making a statement to you that he is not invested in having a healthy, whole, healed relationship with you. If you doubt him, that's 'your issue'... he's not going to let it affect his life? That's not the attitude of a remorseful wayward.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have to ask yourself...and make decisions going forward from this is:

What is my husband doing to make me feel safe in my marriage?

Sorry that you are where you are today.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. In response if he is cheating again I will throw him out. I think I know that it is over and he just isn't the man I imagined he was. I get that A's happen and I envy people on here that make better marriages out of that. I think it has been a deal breaker from the start and I just have to accept that. He just doesn't seeem to get the boundary thing and I am a wife not a prison guard. The process of ending takes time - at least for me. He is still here because of my kids but it comes to a point where I have to think of myself too. Your perspective helps.


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 343 | Registered: Oct 2011
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes I wish my H had not changed so dramatically, or that I had walked in on them, or some other scenario that would have made it impossible for me to move past in R. Strange and sad that even in A world, we can still feel jealousy for other people's lives.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this possible? He said I am being "unfair"! He says there is nothing but a business relationship with this woman. He said that he can't talk to me because I won't listen! I asked him not to contact this woman. I asked him in March after I found a correspondence between them (nothing suspicious)but because of his history I specifically asked him not to contact her again. I found the email where I expressed how upset I was. I threatened I felt by it. I asked him not to contact her again. He says he doesn't remember me saying that. How could you forget something like that? How could he forget when I was so upset? And how can he say that I am being unfair after all that he has done to me and our family? Is there something wrong with him? He is impatient that I won't listen to him. Listen to him telling me that it is absolutely innocent. I asked him tonight if he thought that her putting "Thinking About YOu" in the subject line of a professional email was inappropriate and he agreed it was. But he didn't tell me about it. So he is annoyed and frustrated that I won't believe that it is innocent. He doesn't get that it isn't about being innocent or guilty. This is a betrayal. Another betrayal of trust. Is there something wrong with him or me? He doesn't understand why I won't listen to his reasonable argument. Why his saying he is sorry means nothing. If he didn't keep doing these things then there would be no need for apologies. He doesn't seem to get that HE is the one that is suppose to be winning back my trust. He is angry that I won't accept an apology? Another one?

I am so upset and hopeless. We can't even have a discussion. Am I really suppose to sit here and listen while I hear how unfair I am being to him??


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 343 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 16

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