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User Topic: NC - 5mths in is it too late?
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH has had to continue to work with OW since he ended their very brief A. He cut off all non professional contact with her and despite numerous attempts by her, has not engaged.

They are teachers, and up until September, had to work together in the same classroom and co-teach, necessitating continued professional contact. By late September my husband managed to convince his principal to split the class: OW is a learning support teacher and now takes the lower half of the class, while my H takes the higher group. They each do their own planning, so there is no need even for professional contact.

Yet she still persists. Just last Friday, she initiated a personal conversation with my H about how 'anxious' she's feeling about my return to work at the same school next year. (Damn straight she should feel anxious!!) H didn't engage on the personal level in that conversation and ignored all of her histrionics.

So my question is, now that there's no need for any professional contact, is it too late to send a full non contact letter? I'm sick of her continued attempts to engage my H.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's too late, do what you need to do to feel safe.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should. Your return to the school
is a completely legitimate reason to make
such a NC request.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the NC I've drafted for my H to tweak to his own liking and then send. It's cobbled together ftom several NC letters on different sites. Thoughts?

Dear OW

This letter is to inform you that I want no further contact with you, in any form. There is no longer any professional need for us to communicate: you plan for and teach your own class, I mine, and discipline should be handled individually: as trained professionals, no consultation is required. If you have discipline questions, please take them up with the principal. Your continued attempts to engage on a personal level are devastating to Nest.

The affair has caused intense pain to my wife. She is a shadow of who she was. Every contact that you make causes her fresh pain, and Nest deserves better than that. I live every day knowing that I am the cause of her hatred and grief, and strive everyday to rebuild the trust that our actions destroyed.

My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Nest did not deserve. While I cannot ever completely repay Nest for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to be the husband that she’s been missing. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and I do not want to do anything to risk their happiness.

Mr Nest


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would take the very personal info about your pain out. State facts about him, her, the A, and no contact. I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing about your pain and devastation. Your spouse can talk about his own disgust decision to stay in the marriage, but why give her any more insight into your life?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^This.

That is just ammo for her. She doesn't need a window into your life. She just needs to know that he is slamming the door and locking up your marriage because HE wants it.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess because she's a former friend I kind of want to stick the knife in and jiggle it a little. I know she feels guilty about it, and I'm happy to scrape her guilt raw, dunk her in the ocean and then bury her in table salt to inflict maximum pain. Hate how his A has twisted me into such a damaged, bitter and angry person. She keeps winning every time my anger spikes, even if I do have a model remorseful H.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess because she's a former friend I kind of want to stick the knife in and jiggle it a little.
She was never your friend if she had an affair with your husband and she doesn't feel guilty if she's still trying to engage him. I agree with the other posters - do not allow her a window into your pain.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much of your hurt toward her is really for your husband. Dont release your husband from his responsibility because hes working on R. Make sure you get out your hurt toward the right person


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others, don't let her think she's causing you anything. Just stay the hell out of our lives, thank you very much. I got a little to personal in my letter to ow and have really regretted it. She doesnt give two shits if she's caused pain and I wouldn't want her thinking she had any power over me. If she cared, she wouldn't have had the A with your ws. She didn't then and she doesn't now..Jmo

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:26 AM, November 11th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nest,

It's obvious the OW does not care about any pain she's caused you - OR she would not continue to engage your WH on a personal level.

I too suggest: The NC Letter should not give the OW any window into your pain; or any personal information about you. The NC Letter should simply SLAM THE DOOR on any future CONTACT, and inform this woman that there will be be no future CONTACT on any level between your husband and HER, PERIOD...that they will have NO RELATIONSHIP PERIOD!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, IMO, your H needs to draft the letter, since it's from him. Otherwise, it's like a letter from little Johnny that his Mom wrote.

IMO, the letter should be short and direct, with no personal info and no justification in it at all. Any justification allows ow to come back with, 'But it wasn't that way at all....' The letter should leave no opening for a response.

IMO, the letter needs to allow for future professional communication. Things change.
It may be best for your H to say, the next time ow tries to open a conversation, 'Let's keep our conversation to professional issues.'

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:18 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The NC letter should be given to her, and I don't give a rip who writes it, as long as it gives the appearance of being from him directly.

It should simply state the request of no further contact, and he should some inkling of respect for you. That's it.

For example:

"Dear OW,

Please do not contact me, speak with me, or my spouse from this point forward.

I have chosen to give my wife the love and respect she deserves, and work toward healing my marriage.

Thank you, "

That's it. Simple straight forward, no feelings, and certainly no sticking the knife in.
The best revenge is living happily. She will see that every day come next year, and hopefully that will be enough, or the thought of it, to send her packing.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's opinion on the letter was that it wasn't harsh enough! But I will heed your advice and take out most of the pain stuff. However, my H says he wants (and I agree 100%) to include dot points detailing every occasion she has broken the verbal NC he gave her when the A ended.

Are you guys ok with the following wording of points?

"On the following occasions you attempted to engage in personal discussion despite my request and insistence that our contact be only professionally necessary conversations:

- Continuing to attempt to discuss the state of your marriage after the affair ended.
- Purchasing groceries for us after our return from (o/s country).
- mowing our lawn while we were in o/s country.
- Asking me "Nest hasn't read everything, has she?"
- Discussing your anxiety about Nest's return to work, ambushing an otherwise professional encounter."

He feels this is a necessary inclusion as otherwise she will deny that she ever broke the verbal NC. There are numerous other occasions but they are ones she would be able to claim weren't attempts to engage. These are the irrefutable occasions that she can't deny.

Thoughts?


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Topic Posts: 14

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