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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastation-Please help
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate - this site got me through the worst time of my life ever. That is why I come back to this site and try and help others if I can.

I don't think people who have never felt the pain of infidelity can ever quite "get it" as much as others who have.

Take care.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, gals,
I am a photographer who is getting better at bending/twisting pics via photoshop to make them better for ME to sell....Some of my alterations become sellable as artwork....I don't know if I am altering the truth to be more soft or more colorful..To each his own whoever buys my work...
With that being said, there needs to be some baseline of truth...Original image..KWIM..
Truth/timeline if you can get it accelerates your healing...
Sending you hugs and strength...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Nov 2011
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to continue on with my saga- she comes over this morning as I said. I hold true to the 180, to the T, don't even flinch. she can sense something (especially after the feeble hug attempt) but she doesn't say anything. she leaves. a couple hrs later, as im coming back from a run startng to think again about all rottenness she threw at me; sure enough, my phone goes off, its her, I don't answer it. A little while later, I'm working in the yard, guess who stops by? she's all friendly again and starts helping with the leaves. I turn the 180 switch back on. I basically ignore her, but acknowledge her if she saysthing to me and keep my answers to one or two words. Im playing with my kids(I have 2 from a previous psychonut)raking leaves, having a good time. I see her going back and forth to her car to talk to someone on her phone (presumably her BF). she then approaches me and asks if I'm ok (she has asked this several times). I tell her I'm fine why does she keep asking. she starts to mumble something, then says "well, I hurt you". I say well it's over, in the past, I'm not dwelling on it. she looks confused. she goes "then we are just moving on?" I say that was her decision, and go back to playing with the kids as if nothing happened. She eventually leaves after I continue to ignore her. My gut instincts tell me it just a matter of time before her bubble bursts. she has always loved drama, she's addicted to it. and this has been the perfect situation, she's the center of attention, relishing in it for the time being. But the 180 seems to cut her off at the knees, likes she losing her power or control. no one is begging, her OM IS 3000 miles as she sits alone in her hotel room. she's being super-nice, offering to "lend" me money to help with the bills. Speaking of which, a little detail I left out of my original post; while she's on "vacation" out of state fucking her bf, my 9 yr old daughter finds a plastic bag hidden under a stack of clothes and in it is new sexy lingerie; a teddy, thong, silk linins. it wasn't for me. she never even dressed that way for me! anyways the receipt shows over $100. She's bitchin at me constantly about bills and money and how I don't earn enough. god knows how much she spent entertaining her sweet lover when he was here and then of course flying 3000 miles to see him, nice huh?. I agree with one of the replies; she wants to just barely hang on to me to fall back on. she's having the cake and eating it too and the huge dose of reality is just a matter of time. My thing now is if its worth saving or not-I think of what she has done (still trying not to of course) and I get so angry. As everyone here advises, Im gonna give it time, stick to the 180, and try to heal and take care of myself. oh btw she again asked me in the yard if she could have a hug? This time I just said why? why so lovey-dovey all a sudden? that was right after the "are you ok?" crap.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut instincts tell me it just a matter of time before her bubble bursts

I think you're spot on here, friend. Whatever shellac she is trying to throw at you isn't sustainable. You are doing a great job of keeping your head on and being as strong as possible.

My thing now is if its worth saving or not

There's nothing to save if she just wants to play pretend. No hugs - no handshakes. Keep on the path, and lean on us when you need to.


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta say - you are a natural at the 180! Well done my friend.

Remember, now is the time to pull the focus back on you. Do not waste an ounce (not sure what the correct unit of measure is ) of energy on her. Steal it away for you and your kids.

You're doing well. We're proud of you.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing great. Hold strong.

Wanted to add. Do you know if the OM is married or not? Seems like he might be (long distance, FB, mostly texts messages...) if he is you need to contact his BS and let her know what is going on. Most likely he will drop her the second he wife finds out.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok , I could use some quick advice. wife comes over this afternoon to pick some stuff up. Im still hard on the 180. she acts like she wants to hang around. I even take her stuff out to the car as a subtle hint to leave, I finally say ok, I have to go, I have things to do, and hold open the door for her. she looks distraught and takes off. About 3 hrs later there's a knock on the door, its her and my son, She says he wanted come over and see me (this I believe). I tell her drop him off and I'll take him back to her hotel in an hour. She asks if she can stay. I say why, whats the point. Then she asks for a hug again. this time I flatly refuse, saying there is no point in that. she starts to break down and tells me she misses me and do I miss her. I don't answer. She then follows me into the other room and tries to hug me again but I stand there-tell her this is what she chose, she has a new life now, go talk to her lover. She cries and says she misses me and I walk away. She leaves a few minutes later. I assume this the 180 doing it's thing. its been very effective. But its hard. I don't feel good and my one part of me wants to go to her because I still love her and I want to make mad love. the other part says don't do it, Im setting myself up again. I guess she' either starting the wake-up process, or she wants company and some sex. I have to bring my boy back to her soon. Im leaning on staying the night with her. good or bad? I don't know what i'm doing, I need some good advice.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
LMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No do not spend the night. Stick to the 180. The other night my WH was caring and loving, saying he loved me, etc. I melted a little and gave him a hug back. Later I was totally ignored
It's a trap and a trick to see if they can win you back. Don't fall for it. It is up to you to make the move if you want...not the WS.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is when every bit of resolve must be put into action.

If you stay with her, you will undo your hard and good work. Worse still, you will immediately regret it.

You want to illustrate the consequences of her dreadful decisions. Don't reward her behavior by comforting her.

[This message edited by self-rescuer at 7:58 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok -done. I dropped him off and left. Don't what I would have done if she invited me, but she didn't, which made it easier to leave. I know I did the right thing-she's playing the drama wants her cake. I was feeling a weak moment, I have to admit. Thanks for the support

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..no way in hell do you stay the night with her!!

..stick to the 180.. it's working so don't cave now..

..it only will serve to give her mixed messages..

..be strong.. sorry you are here

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut instincts tell me it just a matter of time before her bubble bursts.
Sorry but it doesn't matter if the bubble bursts or not. The 180 is so you can detach and get stronger. It's for you.

This...

she has always loved drama, she's addicted to it. and this has been the perfect situation, she's the center of attention, relishing in it for the time being.
...tells you everything you need to know. Even if...even if she claimed she wanted to come back to you (which I would be very wary of) your WW must fix the issues within her that allowed her to engage in such destructive behavior.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3882 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, I feel a lot better about staying true to the 180. this was the most challenging so far. my strong libido doesn't help either. but you guys are right. and I cant lose sight of the way she ripped me apart. I have to stay in control now-for my own sanity. bless you all for being here for me!

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow what a mess!!! Well I can tell u-- my H took responsibility for his ONS (one of several) and all the while saying he doesn't blame me BUT I don't give enough attention, and I don't do this and that-- and I was like WHAT MORE CAN I POSSIBLY DO !!! Anyway why I'm telling you this is because you could have jumped thru flaming hoops for her and she would have still cheated. It's not about u. It's her. Shane on her for hurting someone who obviously loved her and was completely blindsided. Don't blame yourself.

Sounds like it can not be worked out so count your blessings that it won't be months of dragged out anger and pain and u can start healing process immediately.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
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