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User Topic: Devastation-Please help
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok..so ws texts me last night...another"i miss you". Then this morning she asks if she stop by to do some laundry (she never does). Then she texts me if I can help pay to get her car fixed (she knows im selling one of our cars). And this is after spending lord knows how much entertaining her fuckbuddy when he was here, and then taking a week off of work to fly cross country to be him. And she comes back and has the audacity to bitch about the money situation! On top of that, she missed her 11 yr old's stepsons bday while she was there fucking the scumbag. I really want to write her about this to get it off my chest, but it might turn into another back and forth which would upset further. But mostly im thinking it goes against the 180 rules? Dont engage. Any opinions? I dont really even want to communicate wirhher until I see some real sighs of remorse or a mention of a R. So far I havent

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by HOLLOWHART at 9:29 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by HOLLOWHART at 9:28 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Hollowhart

I get it. Really. When you find out what was REALLY happening in your life...the reality sucks.

Don't. Respond.

Let her swing in the wind.

Know in your heart that your were treated poorly by a selfish person that vowed to love and honor til' death.

It's hard to wrap your brain around that truth

Detach. She is going to the default mode...your her husband, you should take care of her. FTS!!

She basically fired you from that job when she decided to fuck that scumbag POSOM.

Detach, NC. Do it for You.

The more you allow yourself to remove your emotions from this shitfest the more clarity you will have.

Hugs to you man.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the words of advice Getting. I not gonna engage. I'm going to hang in there. I get the 180..and keep reading it to remind myself to stay an "emotional ice chip". Good luck on your journey back to happiness

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Remember NC other than kids and finances. (joint finances that is) That's IT. Politely detach.

And if you get an itch to communicate with her...

Scratch it here! Post and vent away. That is why we are here. BTDT in spades!!

We are listening and we care.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....I think im going through the anger phase. I try not to think about... buts its hard. I just try to flick away the thoughts. This site has been a tremendous help. The support is tremendous. I just get overwhelmed with what has happened and what she did. I dont know like feeling this way. Its that agonizing knot deep inside that everyone here knows too well

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VENT! It's cool. Let 'er rip!!

We are ready with compassionate ears and open hearts.

INFIDELITY SUCKS!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone..happy Thanksgiving, I'm thankful to have my children with me today. Again I cant express how valuable this site is to people that been damaged like myself. I got -away from it for a little while and decided I need to keep coming back here every day...especially since I don't have anyone to talk to about the A other than my IC. Now for my update, and its a beauty.....
So I'm staying true to the 180..it's working..WW starts to come around..texting..asking questions. I even tell her I have a GF to get a reaction(of course I don't), and she starts asking all kinds of questions about it and then says she feels hurt, now she knows how I feel. She comes over the next morning to see our son. She said she was up crying all night.im upstairs laying down..she comes in and lays down beside me. she tries to cuddle but I resist at first..but eventually give in cuz I miss her so much. one thing leads to another and we make love. So here comes the craziness: she tells me she really needs a new car, hers needs too much work and is not safe to drive. she asks me to come with her to test drive some cars. we go to a dealership and she finds one she likes. She needs 1400 for a down payment. I tell her she should ask OM for the money. she says she is too shy to ask him. we joke about it and I tell her that's the least he should do for helping to break up our family. Then she comes up with this idea to tell him her car broke down and she needs the money to get it back on the road. she asks me if I will pretend to be a mechanic at a repair shop in case he calls to see what the car needs. I go along with scheme because of course I like the idea of screwing over OM and also because she does need the car and I love her. I even change my VM greeting so it sounds like a repair shop. he calls, leaves a VM. I call him back pretending to be a mechanic and tell him everything that's wrong with the car...that its not worth fixing. he says ok and hangs up. sure enough, he wires the money to her. but im starting to feel bad about what I did, but I feel things might be working in my favor for a R. So she calls me at work and tells me she'll be at the house when I come home. Now Im feeling that there's hope. Im really glad to see her when I get home. she falls asleep on the sofa and I take her phone,,knowing Im probably gonna regret it. I start reading the texts from earlier that day; she's telling how much she loves him from the bottom of her heart and how he is now officially her BF. As if that wasn't enough they talk about how he will be here the next week and how he's gonna be all over her when he gets here. BTW, we are talking about THIS week...Thanksgiving! Words cant describe how crushed and shocked I am. I walk by her and shes waking up and I toss the phone on her. She asking why did I read those? Why did I have too look at those? Then I just completely break down-again-in front of my little boy. Im on the floor crying like a baby..she's trying to comfort and tell me to stay strong. As soon as I stop crying at look at my son and start all over. I tell her to leave, I don't want my son to see me like this again. After I get back under control a little I get on the phone and call the OM. I tell him everything. Reveal the whole wretched plan to get money out of him and how she's been lying to him since day one. He starts to get a little upset and thinks I might be lying to him. We hang up and keep texting. He tells me he's gonna kill himself if he finds out WW has been lying to him...that he's been through so much himself and his wife of 10 yrs left him..blah blah blah. He says WW saved his life, that he had planned to kill himself after he got back from visiting her the first time. Now Im thinking this guy's a nutcase.. hes an emotional eggshell...hes gonna be in worst shape than me.
Moving on, before she left that night I told her my son would not be allowed around them while he is he here, she says ok.
Fast forward to the beginning of this week. I keep asking both of them if he still is still coming so I can make arrangements for my son and get no answer from either. WW just says "I don't know". Then she starts telling she wants to take my son part of the day on Thanksgiving. I tell her under no uncertain terms is my son to be allowed to be with her while this man is here. She's shacked up in a hotel room with some guy I don't know, my son doesn't know, and even she doesn't really know. There is no way in hell Im gonna allow that and I know Im in the right. Fast forward to today-Thanksgiving morning,,,she stops by to see my son and my other 2 children are here as well. I stay on the 180 and basically ignore her. She starts again asking to take him for a little while..I tell her no way, that once OM is gone she can go back to having him over. She is visibly angry, not just for that but also because I outed her as a total liar to her OM (I eventually sent him all the texts of her conniving to get his money,,,even laughing about it). She mumbles something about taking me to court and I just stay on the 180 and don't say much. She keeps asking my son if he wants to come with her but he tells her no.
Whew! So, bottom line..she obviously would rather stay and have a fuckfest with this guy then spend time with her family on Thanksgiving. The kids miss her and she doesn't care. She gives them each a dollar and walks out. So now I'm thinking this is it..this is done..its over. I know her fling wont last, these are two fucked up pieces of work, but I as much as still love my WW...I don't think I could be with her and especially, trust her ever again. She's shows no remorse,,zero. If anything she's mad at me for exposing her and the affair. I may even stop later at the motel to confront and embarrass them. (I wont do anything stupid) maybe record it with my phone,
Anyways, sorry for the long rant. The biggest obstacle right now is dealing with the pain. It's constant and consuming. It hurts like Ive never felt before. it's god-awful. I do everything that people here tell me to..but Im really struggling. My IC told me to keep coming to this site for help. So here I am. It's like I'm living in a nightmare. I just want to wake up and have it over. I've never cried like this in my life..and Im a grown man. I'll never understand why this happened and how anyone could be so cruel to someone they supposedly loved. I will be more diligent on the 180 and keep coming back here. This site has been my saving grace. I think I will start the Divorce paperwork this week. I cant afford a lawyer so I hope she doesn't pull any shit. She had told me before we can work everything out between us..but Im skeptical. At least we don't have much in the way of money or property. Im more concerned about her taking my son out of the state to live with this fruitcake. Thanks to all who bothered to take the time to read about my dilemma. I feel for you all.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
Selkie
♀ Member
Member # 22595
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me get this straight..

-she slept with you then asked for car funds..

-When that did not happen she asked you to con the OM..

- The OM Threatened suicide when you called and exposed the con..

She wants to take your son..her step son (?) to a motel that she may be sharing with OM while he is visiting?

No..just no. She seems like a class A manipulator and a person who only puts her own needs first. Putting her step son in the middle of this potentially volatile situation with a suicidal OM who she conned out of cash..is just in no way shape or form a good thing. Protect your son from this danger...


I know you dont think this woman who you love would ever endanger your son..but..
Let her actions not her words show you who she is..Even though it hurts like hell this is a gift. When you really start to see who a person is and not just who you want them to be they loose the power to hurt you, since you already know what they are about.

Anyway I just wanted to let you know..it does get better...and you are not alone

[This message edited by Selkie at 9:11 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...just wow. I am sorry you are going through this. I think her true colors are showing. I agree a master manipulator. She has really gone through some extremes to get what she wants. Which tells me she will continue.

I am sorry you are going through this. Stick with the 180....don't veer off it. Take care of yourself and your children.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother you need to completely disengage from this woman. She just keeps hurting you and shows no sign of caring about anyone's feelings but her own.

Think about it this way. What if one day your son came to you and said his wife had an affair and asked him to help con her bf/om out of money to get a new car? What would you tell him to do?

Not only is she not remorseful or even regretful about the A, she has even stopped having the A.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3664 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, my WS is also a master manipulator. Seven months out from Dday and i am still wrapping my head around that reality, still in disbelief that someone I thought was someone else is actually a rather cold-hearted, nearly entirely self serving person (I was going to say animal disguised as a person, but as I love animals saying that seems cruel to them!). I still go back and forth in my mind as to what is true. And yet what i also know is true is that no matter what he is, he is not good to me. Period. Now i have to figure out how to disentangle myself from him, clear out huge house, move to heaven knows where and recreate a life almost from scatch. Partially my fault for many bad decisions. But's he's a piece of work. I feel your pain.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, you have got to stop letting her weasel her way back into your bed.

I hope you have gotten tested for STDs.

She is using you. It won't stop until you say it stops. Every time she comes around and you allow her trickery to get under your skin, you end up hurt.

Please 180. For real. No more intimate get togethers, no more helping her with things (cause she has a boyfriend now to do those things for her). Just stop.

Time to take care of you.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 10:50 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I will start the Divorce paperwork this week.
^^^^^^This....is a good idea.^^^^^^

She is manipulating you, using the fact that you love her and need her. She came over and let you have sex with her so she could ask you for money. Then she asked you to help her get money from the OM. She is manipulating him.

Think about this. Do you really want to be with a woman like this?

I don't think so. Once you get over your loving feelings for who she used to be, you will feel much better being away from the person she is today.

180. 180. 180. Don't let her close to you. Stay away from her. Keep your children away from her. She is toxic. She will mess your children's minds up if they have to live with crazy all their young lives.

Put a buffer zone around yourself.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, thats pretty fucking crazy behaviour. We already know she's feeding you bullshit. The odds are he's feeding you a bullshit sandwich too. Now you are feeding them both bullshit too.

dude, for fuck's sake. Just stop.

You are in a tornado of pain and destruction. It's going to suck you down with it unless you step away from the vortex. What you need to be doing now is watching the storm from behind a big piece of safety glass. When you're not being hit by debris and can hear yourself think, you are going to be glad you are not caught up in it. It's going to be incredible to watch - as long as you are not in the middle of it.

That safety glass is the 180, which you are still not getting.

First two by four. You are using the 180 as a tool to produce an emotional reaction in your wife. When it's not working you are making up stories to do the same. I understand why you are doing it, but it's got to stop. That's like removing the safety glass, walking up to the tornado and flapping your arms to make it go faster. We already know your wife is bat shit crazy. We're pretty sure now the OM is equally crazier than a shit house rat. That leaves you. It's decision time. Do you want to me the adult in this fucking shit storm, or do you want to get sucked into it and be as crazy as the pair of them?

Next two by four. With due respect, what the fuck are you doing having sex with a woman who has admitted to having sex with an another man and for all your know has been having sex with other men since she met you. You need to get to a hospital as soon as possible and have a full screen for STDs. Seriously. This board is littered with people who now carry diseases through no fault of their own.

The 180 is not designed to force an emotional reaction in another person. It's designed to produce a piece of emotional safety glass that will allow you to watch the carnage from afar whilst healing yourself without fear. At the moment, you are in the centre of the tornado. You are being hit by debris from all sides, and buffeted to and fro. You probably don't know which way to turn or what will hit you next. That's a horrible situation, and we have all been there. But know this...

You cannot LOVE her out of her affair. You cannot REASONABLE her out of her affair. You cannot FRIGHTEN her out of her affair.

You cannot stop a tornado by being nice to it, explaining the pointlessness of it's actions, or shouting at it. The only thing you can do is decide that things are too dangerous for you and run for shelter.

That's the 180. So go and read it, again. Become the emotional ice block. Even if you are faking it. No more breaking down in front of her. No more chats, texts, plans, schemes, bullshit. You shouldn't be in the same room as her long enough to get upset, never mind have sex. Go running, go to the gym, go for a walk, but for the love of christ walk away from the tornado.

It's your love for your wife that is keeping you there. I know that. Kudos to you for trying to do the right thing, and respect to you for the pain you have been willing to endure, doubtless in the hope that it will all end soon. But know this. Your marriage, at least as you knew it, is over. Done. History. You are living with a person who has no regard for your health, your physical or emotional safety. That person is emotionally abusing you. They are destroying the home and family you loved. They are destroying the security that your family relies on. that person is no longer your soul mate, your partner, your souse, your friend. That person is your worst enemy. That person knows how to manipulate you and is using you to get what they want.

Whether you let it work is up to you. Walk away. When you get out of the whirlwind you will start to see things a little more clearly. You'll realise you are risking your life by sleeping with her. You'll realise you need to see a lawyer as soon as possible and find out your options.

Have a read of the following paragraph.

My wife started behaving weirdly a little while back. She started joking about having a boyfriend. I played along and he started describing him. This freaked me out a bit but when she asked me if I would like to see a picture I felt my soul dying as I realised it was true. She showed me pictures, and told me how wonderful he was, and I realised he was having a sexual affair with another man. She's trying to borrow money form me because she spent so much on her and going to see this other guy. You won't believe this, but my head was so fucked up that I agreed with a plan to deceive the other man, and I pretended to be someone I wasn't on the phone to try and embezzle money from him and his family. It didn't work. I feel like I'm dying inside, and going crazy. She's still in her affair and seeing the other guy I think. I know for a fact they are still talking anyway. Believe it or not, I'm still sleeping with her too. In the middle of this we have a kid. Anyway, She's moved out, sort of, but keeps texting me and coming round to the house. She fucking with my emotions left and right and I don't know what to do.

Now imagine that paragraph was written by your best friend, someone you have known and cared about since you were a child. He comes to you and sits down in your house and begs you for no bullshit, straight up man to man advice. What would you tell him to do, because when I think about that situation, I'd be going round to his house to help him throw the crazy bitch out. thebn I'd make him sit down with his son and explain that he still loves him very much and that things may change but it will all be ok in the end. And then I'd drive my best mate kicking and screaming to the nearest decent divorce lawyer and start the process of freeing himself from the crazy bitch.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 3:56 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! thanks everyone...especially LONELY H...for smacking me over the head with the facts...you laid it out for me brother... thats just what i needed. im gonna keep reading it over and over till it sinks in..I know i deserve much than this cruel, selfish individual

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hollowhart and Son)))))

Peace, strength and clarity to you in the coming days.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
HOLLOWHART
New Member
Member # 41305
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think I'll have a problem with the 180 now. Its just a struggle to keep it off my mind. I go through all these different emotions during thday..hurt, pain..and mostly anger. I try to stay as busy as possible...but its hard...any suggestions on how to deal with this pain and madness is greatly appreciated. Let me know what worked for you..thanks

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just focus on your kids. Plan things to do that are fun for them. Exercise, keep busy, start a new hobby. Just fake it until you make it. Instead of focusing on her focus on freeing your self from her. See a lawyer and start planning your new life. One day you will wake up and realize the pain has lessened.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Apr 2007
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