H seems to have lost his sense of remorse. He's losing his patience when it comes to my healing. The last few times I've tried talking to him about my triggers or my pain/healing he has blown up and told me he feels like I'm rubbing his face in his A. He said that we can't move forward because I keep dragging us back to the A.
You can imagine how angry this makes me. I have a temper and so does H. I find myself stuffing down my feelings to avoid the argument that will end our marriage. I have so much to say but feel that I can't. Our kids get frightened when we argue. My H is back to a place where I know he can't talk calmly about the A. He wants me to pop it in a box on a shelf just as he has.
If he read this post I'm sure he'll tell me I'm wrong. He'll get angry at me for putting words in his mouth. He'll tell me that he's got so much to deal with that her feels overwhelmed. He'll tell me that I've hurt him too in the past by neglecting him to spend time with my friends and traveling.
It's back to where we were a year or so ago. I am angry. He's grumpy half the time and not approachable. I don't have any concerns or red flags about another A or renewed contact with the AP. I don't understand though why he's being so self centered again.
He has his moments where he's very sweet and loving just as long as I am 'fine'. The minute he sees I'm down, he tenses up and gets in defensive mode again.
I know I need to talk to him but its hard to pick a right moment. It never seems like a good time. We don't get time alone without the kids. H is usually asleep before the kids because he gets up early.
I want to know why he's regressing to a point where I can no longer approach him.
Two years ago today was the day I found out my life as I knew it had ended. The next few months are full of triggers. I can't count on him to be there for me.
I guess I just needed to vent. I only see my IC once a month because of financial restrictions. I have no one else IRL to talk to. I feel like giving up
[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 6:49 AM, November 11th (Monday)]
[This message edited by SeeThingsNow1 at 7:33 AM, November 11th (Monday)]
I am going to have to talk to my H. I know this. I suggested talking today but he chose to watch tv instead. He was a bit grumpy because of work stress so I knew it wasn't a good time to talk anyway.....hmm.....lightbulb moment.....H has used his aggression as an avoidance technique in the past. He knows I most likely will let him off the hook if I sense an argument will be the end result. What an ass! Tomorrow we will be having a scheduled chat. I'll give him plenty of notice so he can be ready for it.
Why is he regressing? Could it just be that he's simply just run out of patience? I feel like we're at a real crossroads here.
One of his big issues is that he doesn't necessarily believe that it should take two years or more to heal. He feels like once you've gotten all the information you should be able to logically say I can get over this or not, make the decision, and move forward. I had to pull threads on SI up for him to read so that he can gain some understanding that logic and emotion do not have the same timeframe. He truly doesn't understand PTSD, triggers, and the gap between emotion and logic. For him there is virtually no gap between his logic and his emotions...for me it's as wide as the sea.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
My WH sounds pretty much like what you are describing. He wants to sweep it all under the rug now and pretend it never happened. We also argue whenever I bring it up because he says it's in the past and he can't change it, he is sorry for what he did, but we need to look at the here and now.
In a way I can understand that someone would not want a very bad choice brought up to them on a daily or weekly basis, but I think when we trigger, we should be allowed to voice why we are triggering. Of course I have voiced this to my WH, but he just doesn't "get it". I have told him we can't ignore the elephant in the room. You name it, I have probably said it at one time or another in the last two years, but to no avail.
I know alot of us want the great remorseful husbands/wives that we see and read about on SI, but the truth is that they are a minority, they are not the norm. My opinion is that you have to either accept the WS you have now or you have to give them up is the choice after 2-3yrs. I have seen posters on here 7yrs out and still not healed because they keep waiting for their spouse to be something they never will be. Of course that is JMO.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. (((HUGS)))
I guess the most frustrating thing TrustGone is that I did feel like my H was remorseful. I felt I was able to talk to him about my triggers and my pain in general. He use to listen and try and comfort me. Even if he felt like he didn't know what to do or say he would hug me and apologize for the pain he caused me. I felt like he use to be willing to do whatever I needed him to do to help me heal.
He took responsibility for my emotional state and he was genuinely trying to be there for me. He still does to some extent.
He is very affectionate, he says loving things constantly that make me feel valued and loved. He pays me compliments which he very rarely did in the past. He helps me a lot more with the kids and household duties etc.
Now, we only have an issue is he thinks I'm upset about something A related. If its something unrelated, he's more supportive.
I feel like I can relate RipsInMyChest. I think H feels like he gave me time, has been patient and made lots of changes. He just doesn't get how deeply scarred I am. I feel like I died. I feel like I'm mourning my old self. I'm still learning who the new me is. I hate her. I hate that his choice changed me. I loved who I was at the time he had his A. It was the first time in my life I could truly say that. I have lost so much of myself along with losing the marriage and the H that I thought I had. So much to mourn.
H has had trauma in his life. He understands PTSD but he's regressed as I said. It seems he can no longer empathize with me. He has retreated back into his self centered ways of thinking. That is what frustrates me the most and because I don't understand why. He blames work stress. I can only conclude he's frustrated with the length of my healing process like I said.
My WH regrets hurting me, he wants to "do the right thing" and make this all go away asap. On the surface it all seems fairly okay - apart from the fact that he often mirrors my anger and is sometimes defensive, not about the A, but about his current reaction to my pain.
The problem lies in the fact that he doesn't DEEPLY comprehend the level of betrayal, the enormous life-changing trauma I am going through, the depth of pain I am experiencing, the fact that this has forever changed me and our marriage. He gets it to an extent, but not FULLY or deeply.
So in his eyes, he has done most things right, he has answered my questions, he is in MC with me, he had a poly, he is being open and honest etc etc... basically he has done what he feels he needs to have done for us to "get over this". He just doesn't understand that it goes SO much deeper than that. So now he is frustrated... he's like "what more can I do?!"
It boils down to a complete lack of comprehension of the severity and depth of the betrayal IMHO.
My husband lacks the sensitivity, the depth of emotion and the understanding to do or be more than he currently is. I have to either accept that or walk.
The truth of the matter is I am not trying to RE-live anything. I am trying to fill in the huge 5 year gap in the story of my life. I thought I had a reasonably happy M during that time. Now I don't know what that 5 years was. I still struggle with it. Counselors tell you that your M ended with the A and that you have to re-build a new one. Ok. When exactly did my M end? When the A started? When I found out? What do I do with that period of time when the A was going on? My FWH tells me that we were M the whole time, he never stopped loving me and was never going to leave me. He says that time together was real. It does not feel real and I don't think he can understand why I feel that way.
If you have not been through this, you just can't get it. But our WS's need to try--and keep trying, forever, if necessary.
I did talk to H about how I was feeling. He got defensive and annoyed with the first attempt but he finally listened a couple of days later when I brought it up again. In fact, I brought it up the second time after he apologized for being harsh and aggressive when we first spoke. It was good that he thought about his initial response, apologized and then heard me out calmly and patiently. That alone made me feel a little better. The frustrating part is that he knows exactly what I need and he said he feels like he knows what he needs to do in the moment to support me. He doesn't know why he doesn't always follow through. I told him that from my perspective he was returning to his selfish ways where he can't see beyond his own feelings. I told him how this scares me and makes me feel unsafe. I let him know that when I can't share my thoughts and feelings with him that I begin to feel resentment. I finally identified that this is my line in the sand. This is my deal breaker.
I can't be with him if he's going to get frustrated at the path and speed of my healing. I will not allow him to make me feel bad because I do not heal from this life changing, excruciating pain he has caused me the way he thinks I should.
Thank you all for your advice. It really has helped me.
Hopingforhappy, I read the article too so thank you. I was able to use parts of that in our discussion too. It was very useful
We are going for a week long topical vacation alone (no kids) in a couple of weeks for my 40th birthday. I'm looking forward to seeing how we handle that. H cheated just after he turned 40. He was feeling really down about getting older so 40 is a bit of a trigger for me. Also, my birthday is a trigger too. We are doing a lot of new and exciting activities on our vacation so I really hope it builds some fantastic new memories for us. Fingers crossed.....