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User Topic: Brutal honesty or poofing? IDK anymore......
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, last night, I probably did a dumb thing. I sent "massage guy" an email telling him my concerns with why I don't think he and I are a match... and long story short, told him that I don't want to change him and some of the habits he has are basically dealbreakers for me HOWEVER changing someone doesn't work and you should never have to or want to change someone to fit you.

It hurt him and I feel bad now. He told me now he has a bigger complex than ever. I didn't want that. But, I remember my ex-husband telling me that we had all these problems that he never communicated to me and that's why he cheated. We had TERRIBLE communication. So, I thought honesty would be better. Lay it all out there and bear your soul... but it backfired I think.

Sometimes I think poofing is just a nicer way of letting someone down. And I have been poofed on a few times....so I know how it feels... but is brutal honesty better?

I tried to let him down the easy way of "I don't think we are a match but I wish you luck" and he has kept trying to push the envelope. So, I went the blunt way.... and I'm not a blunt person.... I tend to beat around the bush a lot and filter filter filter..... so it was difficult for me to do. And, now I wish I hadn't.

He told me that he understands that I would want perfect.... and I told him I don't want perfect....I want perfect for me. I'm NOT perfect...and don't believe perfection in the human race exists. IDK. I feel like a jerk now. But, at least he knows how I feel. ::shrugs shoulders::

Go ahead with the 2x4s.... I'm sure I deserve them.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Spirit13
♀ Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

While I don't see the point of your email - no 2 x 4 from me overall from the sense of him trying to give you some sort of guilt complex. He feels even worse about himself? Boo fucking Hoo.

If your reasons were that he is a chain smoker and you have a child?

He doesn't have a car?

He is a grown man and can't even afford to live on his own?

He has an alcoholic past?

I'm sorry but these are extremely valid reasons and someone who is self aware and mature would not turn it around on you. They might be disappointed but they would also see your point. Except for his past - he can change all of those things with his own hard work and good behavior.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sent him this email unsolicited? Yeah, if that's the case, it was probably a little mean although if the goal was to shut him down and get him to leave you alone, then you achieved that.

If he's hassling you for an explanation, then that's what you did. If he takes it, turns it on you "oh now look I have a worse complex thanks to you" then ooooh that's what life with him would be like. Blaming you for his feelings. And you don't want that right? He got what he asked for (the reasons) and you shouldn't feel badly that he didn't like them.

I think the lesson to learn here is twofold. Don't behave today with your xWH whispering fucking nonsense in your head about how you communicate AND honor your gut feelings about guys from the get go. Massage guy hadn't felt right the first time, you circled back b/c you felt lonely and voila, same outcome.

You seem a genuine person and you seem to be almost too nice to people sometimes, I doubt you were mean to this guy. I suspect you were probably just brutally honest and that can be uncomfortable. Especially when you are turning someone down.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It hurt him and I feel bad now. He told me now he has a bigger complex than ever. I didn't want that. But, I remember my ex-husband telling me that we had all these problems that he never communicated to me and that's why he cheated. We had TERRIBLE communication. So, I thought honesty would be better. Lay it all out there and bear your soul... but it backfired I think.

I was recently given a book title to delve into and think that it may help in future things for you.

Its call Non-Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg and honestly - it has made me look at ALL my communications with everyone that i deal with in a completely different light.

I mean totally different.

basically his reaction to your words is his own. Your words were not the issue, his interpretation and the way he chose to react to them are his own.

There is nothing wrong with explaining to someone that they way they are and where they are at in life is not for you, and that if they were open to hear that, they would understand and continue on down life path until they found a better fitting mate.

But all he heard was you judging him, chastising him and putting him down.

Poofing is not the way to go, but finding a better way to let someone down may be had in finding better words.

DH and I are actually getting in to the book (shocker to behonest with you) and while we haven't gotten it down by even 50%, the fact that we are able to even try is brillent.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You seem a genuine person and you seem to be almost too nice to people sometimes, I doubt you were mean to this guy. I suspect you were probably just brutally honest and that can be uncomfortable. Especially when you are turning someone down.

^^^THIS^^^

I am definitely TOO nice and hate to hurt ANYONE's feelings. I always try to make everyone happy which only inevitably makes me miserable because its impossible to do! I have been poofed on by guys that I really REALLY genuinely liked without any reason or explanation.... so I thought I would give him the WHY it won't work with us. He has been pushing and pushing for me to go out with him and I have had to keep coming up with excuses as to why I can't and I got tired of evading him. I ran with him last week in a group setting, which I regret now because I think it gave him hope. I was just being friendly.

I don't think we can even really be friends....not in the sense of hanging out together alone because it will give him a false sense of hope and I don't want that. I KNOW we are a bad fit. I know it. And, I felt like I had to tell him that.

I didn't mean to hurt him or upset him. I've always been told communication is key and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I basically spilled my all of my thoughts out in an email.... probably not the best course of action. It was a gamble but now he knows without a doubt how I feel. Maybe that's what he needed, even if it hurt.

Sometimes I wish some of the guys that I liked would have given me a reason.....even if it was superficial or hurtful. I might have respected the honesty at least. IDK


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to be very easy and compassioned to you. The truth is always that. The issue here is how you say it.

You can use wise and kind words and be firm, or you can be unkind to the other person’s denial.

I can see with your posts, and with what you are going through in your personal life that you need some time to regroup and learn about yourself a bit more.

Put aside your desire for a partner for a little while. It will help you to find calm and peace in life instead of all the suffering you are going through with dating issues.

You are very young and will have time to find a good person with everything you want and need, but to get that you need to be at the same level of quality and well being as the other person.
It has been said here often that broken gets broken, so get to love, respect, appreciate, and understand yourself and then and only then someone with all the qualities you have will come along.

As long as you are looking desperately for someone with good qualities, your desperation will not see them.

One more thing, you don’t need any 2x4s, you need love and understanding, but that has to start from yourself, and on top of that you have plenty of that here in SI.

my two cents


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I think poofing is just a nicer way of letting someone down. And I have been poofed on a few times....so I know how it feels... but is brutal honesty better?
Those are two extremes, but certainly not the only two options. There's plenty of middle ground where one can communicate honestly and kindly.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25744 | Registered: Aug 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I tried to let him down easy.... and I even think when I was honest with him that I did so with a soft landing! But, he kept pushing when I told him that I wasn't ready to date, etc. I'm not really in a rush to date. I "tried" OLD and then closed all the accounts down in September. I've looked a couple of times on the free sites but quickly retreat. I know I'm just not ready and have a lot of healing still to do. Its hard to be patient when you have been single for so long. But, I'm willing to wait however long it takes to find the right match for my daughter and I.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think "brutal honesty" in the form of, "I just think we just have some fundamental differences that would make a long-term relationship untenable, and I really would rather have you as a friend than lose you after a romantic relationship with you failed" is okay (leaving out the "rather have you as a friend" if you wouldn't, of course).

But no one wants an inventory of their flaws.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I tried to let him down easy.... and I even think when I was honest with him that I did so with a soft landing! But, he kept pushing

You want brutal honesty?

You need to stop beating yourself up over the reaction that he had to you trying to save yourself, and probably him, from an unfulfilling relationship.

How he is reacting is his own choice. You can't control his reaction - all you can control is that you told him your feelings.

It's not your fault that he is not your type AND it's not his fault that he's not your type...realize that and just be at peace that you didn't drag our the relationship because you didn't want to hurt his feelings.

(ETA sheesh, even with preview i still mess this up all the time)

[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 1:21 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right...and I used to be the type of girl who would stay with someone to spare them of pain and hurt and make myself miserable. I don't want to be in yet another unfulfilling and unhappy relationship...... and I think riding solo a while longer is the right choice for me at this point in my life. (or riding solo with a little mini cart on the side for my 15 month old daughter! )


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would be wrong with "I don't think we're a match." ?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would be wrong with "I don't think we're a match." ?

I tried to let him down that way and he kept prying and wanting to know why. He kept saying he didn't understand why I was so hesitant and what the problem was. UGH....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he asked for it. Sometimes honesty *is* the best policy. You spelled it out for him and if he chose to take it personally that's his problem.

Onward and upward dude... sheesh.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17531 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to let him down the easy way of "I don't think we are a match but I wish you luck" and he has kept trying to push the envelope.

Well then he asked for it, he's got no right to complain.


Personally I don't really want to know all the reasons why I've been rejected in the past. Knowing all the endless millions of flaws my XH found in me are enough for three lifetimes. But that's me.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
monarchwings
♀ Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you handled it fine. I think "it just not there for me" answer would have been good to. I can see where he got his hopes up. I think you gave him lots of attention one night at a party and hung out with him at your big hash camping weekend. But the guy's got to have an idea that not being able to afford a car and having roommates is not the best at attracting women. You and Piper deserve better.

I read your posts and do not hear a lot about your other friendships. I suggest redirecting some of your focus on developing friendships with other parents. An alternative to your Hash groups. Friends for Mommy and Piper. P is getting old enough to spend more more time at parks and kid activities. Do you have malls with play centers? Perhaps at the gym childcare. I get the feeling you would feel better about things if you had a larger friendship network.. Are there other coworkers you could make friends with? What about neighbors? It will get easier to make those connections as she gets older. This will bring you both happiness


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jul 2013
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing all the endless millions of flaws my XH found in me are enough for three lifetimes. But that's me.

My XWH wanted to have his "closure" talk about a week before the divorce papers were to land in my mailbox and I shot him down. He had like 8 months to have this discussion with me and he waited until then??? I wanted nothing of it. It would have inevitably have been a blameshifting convo about what I did wrong to provoke him to cheat on me with MOW (who he was now in a secret-soon-to-be public relationship with) So....I was like...."Screw you dude!" Not happenin! I don't need you to make me feel bad about myself....I've done a good enough job on my own from all the shit you put me through and the blow to my self-esteem....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like many situations you describe about your life, this seems unnecessarily dramatic.

Whatever happened to something like "We're in different places and have different values and lifestyles and I don't see them meshing."

Period. There is no need to go into detail at all. Think of it as a job interview--does a hiring manager sit down and give you a laundry list of why you won't work out for their opening? No, and you shouldn't either.

I don't see the need to going into his issues in detail. It's almost like dealing with a toddler--at some point, you get to "because I said so."

In early stages of getting to know someone, less is more. Less means less drama, less angst and less hurt feelings. "Baring your soul" to someone who is pretty much a stranger isn't normally a good course of action, especially when unsolicited and, according to your description, out of the blue.

This isn't your marriage. Stop tarring things with that tired old brush.

YES, someone is going to be hurt because rejection HURTS. But it is ever so much better to keep the "reasons" generic and non specific in this stage. To start going into detail opens the door to bargaining, which is what happened here.

Additionally, there is a safety factor--you don't know these people well. You don't know what might unhinge them or be a catalyst for stalking and other dangerous situations.

Protect you. Be kind, but you don't have to give a massive lot of detail as to why you don't want to go out with someone any more.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29664 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he did ask. You aren't responsible for his feelings. If he went on and on with the wah wah wah wah you just say "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Personally I hate when people ask me a question and then get all angry because it isn't the answer they wanted to hear. Then for crissakes don't ask me.
My only 2x4 ShellyB is that it seems like you are often swimming in a sea of drama. Ask yourself if you are honestly ok with this or if you want things to be different. If you want things different then ask yourself what steps you will take to change.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
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