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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: things going ok but yet....
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..I was out of coffee this weekend so i said I was going to McDonald's to get some. He got up and asked, "you're not meeting anyone are you?" I said no and asked if he wanted to go with. I also went shopping with a friend and I sent him a picture of the friend and I at the store, so he would know I was actually shopping...

Today, he is in banking so has the day off. A part of me wonders where he is and what he is doing...

my point - we still struggle with trust - THIS FAR OUT. And that makes me so sad....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I don't think you're that far out. Besides, I'm at least twice as far out as you are, and my MC says I don't have to trust my W yet. And I don't....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say this, but we're 4 years out and I don't think that even if were 40 years out that there will be total trust.

It's better, but there is always that nagging voice


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry rachelc :(

A part of me wonders where he is and what he is doing...

You shouldn't have to wonder, he should tell you. Not only because he is a W, but in a marriage it is a matter of respect IMO.

I don't go anywhere without telling my H. Heck even if I am home and he is working I will shoot him a text...running to the store...whatever.He does the same.

It's who we are now. Ask him to do this for you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You shouldn't have to wonder, he should tell you. Not only because he is a W, but in a marriage it is a matter of respect IMO.

^^This^^ Wish my own WH got this as well.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You shouldn't have to wonder, he should tell you.

he did. Said he was going into work for a few hours, then downtown for lunch... and the little seed of doubt wondered if he really was.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and the little seed of doubt wondered if he really was.

That is just it, isn't it? When the lies came so easily before, it's hard to know if they ever really stopped.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Trying2Survive1
♀ Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry rachel. I struggle with that same little seed sometimes. I wish it would wither and go away.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its definitely getting better!
1 year ago I would have been a basket case if he had gone to work on a day off when OW#1 works 100 yards away.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post almost takes the place of one I wanted to do. For the BS, do you get to the point where you just have to start letting things go a bit to heal yourself? Do you just say "I need to start trusting", "I need to let them love me and show me love". I have been thinking about this a lot this weekend and would really like some responses.

Rachelc, I do sometimes feel the same way as you. But I noticed I get it more so when Teach is really struggeling. So I think its more of me just over reacting to what she is going through. But thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one feeling this way


Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post almost takes the place of one I wanted to do. For the BS, do you get to the point where you just have to start letting things go a bit to heal yourself? Do you just say "I need to start trusting", "I need to let them love me and show me love". I have been thinking about this a lot this weekend and would really like some responses.

Rachelc, I do sometimes feel the same way as you. But I noticed I get it more so when Teach is really struggeling. So I think its more of me just over reacting to what she is going through. But thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one feeling this way


Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You shouldn't have to wonder, he should tell you. Not only because he is a W, but in a marriage it is a matter of respect IMO.

I know you already agree with this rachelc...just think it is worth quoting because I NOW feel like this.

Our marriage pre-A lacked some respect. I did not respect my wife enough to handle common life stress in mature ways....leaned on her too heavy for lots of things (FOO issues in play, but no excuse....I choose poorly). My wife did not respect me enough to engage me honestly (FOO issues blocking her from engaging HERSELF honestly...that bled over into our relationship...no excuses either, she choose poorly).

I am 14 months out. My wifes daily schedule is regularly expressed to me....she sometimes texts pictures of where she is at to me....both help me trust her.

Yeah, it sucks...but it is necessary. I miss the total trust she earned from me for most of our marriage....but choices have consequences and this is part of our reality right now.

I wonder how long this will be a struggle....but then come back to the respect thing. If we learn to R....learn to interact in healthy ways....maybe it will seem less truth-confirming and more life-affirming to operate this way? Fully engaged? Openly vulnerable?

Course, that could be me just spinning an ugly reality into something better....but I gotta tell you, this intentional way of living seems to carry more water than anything we have ever done before.

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and the little seed of doubt wondered if he really was.

Those little seeds of doubt will go away in time...with repetetive replanting of new seeds.

Eventually you will have one hell of a garden, it just takes time to pull all the weeds and replant

You will get there....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 13

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