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User Topic: Husband had a two-night stand with co-worker
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Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry, but my gut is screaming that there is more to this than your hubby is letting on.

I agree with others that there is too much liability involved for the company he works for to encourage this kind of arrangement..

If they wanted to save money and the workers involved were agreeable, it seems like there would have been the signing of disclaimers involved ( might a good way for you to verify) to waive their option to sue for harassment..

In going forward, if R is to happen, your WH needs to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make you feel safe..He doesn't get to drive or control R or have things his way..

My WH killed my feelings for him and the M by having that attitude that I better shape up as a wife or he would continue to be entitled to A's...

The problem in my case is that I cannot get rid of WH without facing financial ruin in D..My WH is chronically unemployed and refuses to move somewhere else...He has no pension or savings.. I think you get the picture..I think our D will turn out to be a brutal one..I am trying to create several loopholes in my case before I D so that no judge would think of ruling that I support my WH in a divorce settlement..

In the end if you decide that R is NOT possible, file for D while your WH is employed and before too many more years go by..

I sound like a broken record because I say this to everybody considering R, but I would make drafting a post nup agreement that weighs heavily in your favor( in the case of S or D happening ) a must for R to happen..

You don't want to feel like you HAVE to R or live in an in house separation just to keep your way of life or financial stability for the kids..

Sending you strength..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:05 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


As you can see, you are not alone--we have all dealt with the hell that is betrayal. My number one recommendation for you would be to see a counselor, by yourself, to unload all the emotions that come with the awful truth that your husband is a messed-up man who cheated on you.

He had an affair and he's lying about it. There's no way that a woman (unless she's very mentally ill) would strip naked and get in bed with a married work colleague out of the blue. They've been carrying on at least an EA at work for who knows how long. Your H has probably told her or let her assume that your marriage is loveless, sexless, etc. (poor neglected puppy) I agree with other posters that they got one room on purpose and when the manager found out, they concocted a stupid story to explain.

Of all the denial your H is using to minimize the fact that he chose commit adultery, this one takes the cake:

he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark.

Wow. He actually had the famous zipless fuck where your clothes just blow away like dandelion fluff.

I would act like you believe his crap and go into stealth mode. Search his email trash, search his phone, get the phone records, etc.

If I sound angry, it's because I am totally pissed off for you! How dare he lie and try to get sympathy from his innocent, trusting wife while he's doubtless still in contact with OW and possibly planning their next sex-fest.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone else has said it before, but I want to reiterate it in case you are still denying it to yourself. I have been in this industry for over 25 years. I know this industry both as an auditor AND as an HR director. I would bet my LIFE that he is LYING to you on the following:

1) There is absolutely no way the company told a man and a woman to share a hotel room to "cut costs" NO WAY The client pays for expenses on out of town trips. Plus, the inappropriateness of this is so astronomical... there is just no way.

2) I am sure the wife of the manager found out via him (probably through the submission of their expense reports or simply via gossip) and she tried to find a way to gently tip you off. Bless her - I'll bet if you contacted her confidentially you would get even more info

3) His story of Emily making ALL the moves, IN THE DARK, coming to him naked, while he is faced the other way.... that is the biggest BS story I have ever heard!!! Oh my gosh. Seriously? At least he didn't say she drugged or incapacitated him in any way, but he couldn't have made himself any more blameless in the beginning. What a weenie.

4) The fact that he cried and cried and "almost had a siezure" means absolutely nothing. So what? He's a good actor.

Step back and realize as hard as it is.

There is WAY more to this story and he is lying to you big time. This was most certainly planned ahead and you have a choice now to dig and find out more or sit back and avoid it.

I know it is SO hard at this time and my heart aches for you but please believe those of us who know this industry. There is no way he is telling the truth.

Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Jessb,

I am so sorry, this all must be very hard to hear on top of the awful DD.

I won't reiterate what everyone else has said, although I believe they are absolutely spot on, I just wanted to send you good thoughts and strength while you digest this horrific event.

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))
Edited because I am a klutz

[This message edited by Truly at 12:17 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens

Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF he is telling the truth about being pressured to share a room he needs to march himself to HR and demand that they never work together again. Would it be possible for one of them go to a different location?

Posts: 193 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think painfulpast's scenario makes the most sense. I would confirm it with your WH's employer. As desperate as some companies are to save money they are often more desperate to avoid liability. Having said that I have also heard of some pretty outrageous demands companies have put on their employees in the name of cutting costs.

Even if this bizarre room sharing demand by his boss is true it still doesn't change the fact that he hid it from you in advance. It shows a guilty mindset and he's blameshifting by saying it was your anticipated reaction was the reason he kept that to himself.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 3991 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, they stayed the night and got up in the morning and immediately went to the airport? SC isn’t far from NY via airplane – an hour and a half or so? So why spend another night? Flights like that leave up until after 7 pm. Why wait until morning? If the goal was to ‘save money’ surely coming home a day earlier would have been in order.

This story stinks – bad. He’s so full of shit it’s pathetic. Oh, we need to share a hotel room, but we can stay until morning, so we get two nights there. This was planned. I just can’t see any other way.

I’m sorry – we all know what it’s like to want so badly to believe the soft story they’re selling. But you just can’t.

No woman would act like that out of the blue. No one.
No company would ask a male and a female to share a hotel room.
They stayed two nights instead of coming home a day earlier in the evening, so that they could have an extra night together.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
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Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None of this makes ANY sense and if it doesn't make sense, odds are it's not true. First of all, I will echo what most of the other posters have already stated - NO company would EVER risk two employees of opposite sexes sharing a hotel room. No way. So, that already doesn't make sense. Next thing that doesn't make sense - how does your husband's manager's WIFE know ANYTHING about this situation? That's fishy to me. Perhaps there's been something going on between your husband and Emily for quite some time and it's common knowledge among their co-workers? I mean, I don't want to upset you but perhaps this was the manager's wife's way of tipping you off "innocently" when really she was disgusted by a blatant affair that's taking place out in the open at her husband's office? That to me is far more of a likely scenario than an HR department wanting to save a couple dollars on two separate hotel rooms for a couple nights.

You need to do some more probing - perhaps unbeknownst to your husband. I suspect you're not getting the full truth here and that's just not fair to you. Call HR and DEMAND and investigation. Install a key logger on your home computer and try to get a hold of his cell phone/business phone to see if there's any kind of communication between your husband and Emily that can shed any more light on this messy situation.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more vote for no way a company would allow that.

Check the hotel bill (he has to keep to file expenses - if he says he lost it, tell him to call the hotel for another). From here you can find out - who booked the room, who was registered as guest(s); minibar, get the picture.

DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
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Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, they stayed the night and got up in the morning and immediately went to the airport? SC isn’t far from NY via airplane – an hour and a half or so? So why spend another night? Flights like that leave up until after 7 pm. Why wait until morning? If the goal was to ‘save money’ surely coming home a day earlier would have been in order.
BINGO! Another inconsistency! I'm so sorry, Jess, but your husband is lying to you really bad. You need to start getting answers from other sources.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like some movie. A bad one.
It's crap.
HR would never do that. It would open them up for harassment charges being levied.
I'm sorry he's lying.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
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Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll add another vote for no way the company was okay with a married man and a woman sharing a hotel room. It just doesn't happen. And to save expenses? For a 2 night stay? If it was about saving cost, then they must have stayed at a cheap hotel, so, the MOST the company could have saved is what, $300? $300 savings against tens of thousands in sexual harassment litigation? Just don't see it happening.

On top of that, I would get the hotel receipt and see what room they stayed in. Guaran-flipping-tee that they stayed in a room with 1 king size and not 2 queens. I would put money on that.

His whole story stinks to high heaven.

And that whole thing about her getting into bed naked with him? A) doesn't happen except in the movies and B) even if it DID happen, THAT is the moment where he gets to prove what a good husband he is and tell her to get the F back into her own bed. He isn't the innocent bystander here... "Oh, but honey, she just THREW herself at me! What was I supposed to do?!?"

NOT have sex with her. Respect your vows. Have some sense of honor. THAT's what you were supposed to do.

I'm so sorry for you.

Sending strength your way.

Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
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Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you're here and getting this very painful feedback. I have to agree with all the posters that you are not getting the full story. I can't believe that a company would risk a potential six figure plus sexual harassment lawsuit in order to save a few hundred bucks. Asking opposite sex employees to share a hotel room is completely opening themselves up for a lawsuit.

I believe the manager's wife was trying to tip you off without disclosing any information to you. My WH is a high level manager who manages a whole region of staff. He does share staff information with me, but in all honesty he is not suppose to - staff concerns should be confidential. Two employees having an A or look like an A is brewing would definitely be a staff concern. When I go to holiday parties I have to keep my mouth shut unless it's happy stuff like the birth of a baby, etc. My guess is there has been something going on or at least brewing and the manager shared it with his wife. That was her way to tip you off while not really telling you anything. If I were her, I would have done the same thing.

They had sex 7 times? She came on to him in the night? What are they, 19 year old drunk college kids leaving a frat party? If you step back for a moment, and trust me I know how hard that is, his whole story just makes no sense. We love our spouses and really want to believe in them. When this happens it's just so hard to internalize the reality and the gas lighting (lying, twisting the story and your sense of reality) can be so convincing.

You have gotten a lot of good advice as where to start. Keeping digging.

BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
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Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but I agree with what everyone else is saying. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

((Sending you strength))

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so awful for you -- it must be hell reading these responses. I know I'd feel doubly betrayed because you believed his story, and now we're all calling THAT into question, too. I just want to say that we ALL want to believe the best-case scenario and many of us twist ourselves to believe some pretty outlandish stories because the alternative is so awful -- that our WSs are willfully lying to us. That is what we call on here "Trickle Truth" -- TT. WSs often start out with a no-so-terrible story that minimizes the A and their role in it. (Yes, SHE crawled into bed with him, nekkid! What on earth would any red-blooded man do?) The BS chips away at this story (which, because it's made up off the cuff, often has a LOT of holes in it), and become increasingly distraught because, on top of the realization that their WS is a cheater, they also have to deal with the fact that their WS is still betraying them by not giving them the full story. Because we all DESERVE the truth.

You need to demand full transparency from your WH -- access to phones, email programs, computers. If he balks at this... well, why would he?

This is such an awful thing to go through. Remember that any reaction you have right now is OK, and you're not bound by any of the thoughts and decisions you make.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jess....I know you are reeling from all the info we've thrown at you, but please let us know how you are doing.

We care.


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If indeed the company did require them to share a room, sue the crap out of them for the damage to your marriage, your emotional stress, etc, etc.

And, don't let him have any of your settlement.

I'd say at least 100,000 dollars for each of the times they had sex, although money will never compensate for the pain you are going through...I know that all to well.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I said, I used to be an auditor. If you want, I can call their HR department and act like I’m interested in a job and ask a few questions, one being about travel and sleeping arrangements (will I get my own room?).

Please ask if they require employees to conserve hot water by showering together. tyvmia

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
solus sto
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Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, if the manager's wife knew? Perhaps there is a thread of truth in there.
No, the manager's wife knew of the affair, and did the right thing: she told Jess.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jessb, how are you doing? We are all concerned about you. Don't let our comments chase you away. We all have experience with infidelity and we are giving you our honest opinions.

I know what we have said may have frightened you and you want to run from the collective knowledge we are sharing. If you aren't ready to deal with this, back away. You will be back however, because once you know, you can't "unknow" what he has so far shared with you. It will eat at you. Please come back to us and let us support you when you are ready.

At the very least they were having an emotional affair before taking this trip. They set this trip up knowing they would be in the same room. This was planned. You WS knew it was coming and he lied by omission about the trip before hand and now he is trying to minimize his actions.

If you sweep this under the rug and don't deal with it, it will continue. After all what are his consequences? Plus they will just take it underground. I am so sorry, no one deserves this pain. You have to go through it to heal, there is no way around it, no backing away from it and if you want a strong M, you shouldn't sweep it under the rug. It will eat you up inside and that is no way to live. There can only be two in a marriage. Take care.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
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