Personally - I believe your husband is telling you a pack of LIES: I traveled for year with my previous job; and I can't believe any Company would require a male and female employee to share a hotel room to save money; or for any other reason.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
2) NO COMPANY EVER requires coworkers to share a bedroom like that. Two men, yes. Two women, yes. But I have never ever heard of such a thing, and I also don't believe that for a second. I'm sorry, but there is no way in the entire world that this wasn't planned.
3) If he didn't enjoy the sex, he wouldn't have done it A SECOND time with her in the same evening after it happened the first time. Or in the shower in the morning. Or three more times that day. Or the next morning before the airport. He is refusing to answer your questions and be open and honest.
4) How is he still comfortable working with a woman that practically raped him in the middle of the night AND for a company that forced him to share a room with her in the first place?
I'm sorry, but there is no way I would accept his story at face value. He is not being honest with you about what happened and how it happened.
Further, I would INSIST that the both of you get tested for STI's.
I would insist on setting up a meeting with the manager and HR at your H's company to get some clarification about this room thing. I really can't imagine he is being honest with you about this.
Please take care of yourself.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Second, while I agree with most of what has been said by the previous posters, I have to add that as far as "setting up a meeting" with HR or whomever at Jessb's WH's company, I don't see it happening. In my 30 years of work experience, employers only deal with the employee. Families have no right or business having "meetings" with the company. In this instance that is really unfortunate, but the truth of the matter is, issues within the company are considered just that. The usual stance is "Mr./Mrs./Ms. is our employee and you are not. Therefore there will be no meeting on this or any other subject pertaining to Mr./Mrs./Ms. employment"
I had coffee with his manager’s wife yesterday to find out what else she knew…I’m amazed that this woman, who doesn’t even work at the company, knows all the office gossip. She mentioned “sharing a room” as her way of telling me about my husband’s cheating without actually coming out and telling me; she thought it would be better to have him come clean to me instead of me hearing it from someone else. I told her his version of being asked to share a room with Emily…she rolled her eyes and had a good laugh.
The manager’s wife told me what she heard from the receptionist. Apparently Emily told her close friend at work (some close friend to spread word of an affair) about their encounters and the friend told the receptionist. They didn’t share a room; they happened to have rooms next to each other with adjoining doors. According to Emily’s version of events…they had an early dinner with the client, she suggested they have drinks at the hotel bar since it was too early to go to bed, they got a little more than tipsy, things got flirty and she kissed him. My husband got nervous, said they better go up and they went to their separate rooms. After going up, she knocked on the adjoining door and they ended up having sex. They had sex again in the morning, that night and in the morning before leaving to come home.
I thanked her for tipping me off and telling me what she heard. She suggested I kick him out and lawyer up, but I said I couldn’t make any rash decisions. Honestly, it didn’t hurt as much as I expected it to…guess I’m just that numb at this point.
Last night, I told my husband what his manager’s wife had told me about adjoining rooms and that he wasn’t telling me the truth. I didn’t mention a word of what she said Emily said, wanted to see what kind of lies he would tell me this time…
Surprisingly, he didn’t have a panic attack. He just sighed deeply and said he made up a story to lessen the damage. He really thought I would never find out and he sincerely meant it would never happen again.
According to his new version of events and I’m hoping it’s the real truth…they were drinking in the hotel bar after dinner, things got very flirty and she kissed him on the cheek very close to his lips. He was thrown off and said they better go up. When he got to his room, he said he was very aroused/worked up when she knocked on the adjoining door…they ended up having sex two times. She didn’t stay afterward, picked up her clothes and went back to her room and closed the door behind her; said he just rolled over and fell asleep. He woke up, went into the shower and she ended up joining him. He said she heard the shower come on from her room and decided to join him, he didn’t try to turn her away.
They went to work normally, drank at the bar again that night and went up to his room together and had sex several more times. She didn’t leave that night and they showered together in the morning. He said when they landed, he told her it was an isolated incident and wasn’t going to carry on…he just let himself get caught up in the sex. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I can’t believe this stupid bitch went and told her coworker/friend. If she seriously didn’t want or expect anything from my husband if it really was an isolated incident, why wouldn’t she just keep it to herself?
I don’t want to out either one of them at work, but I need to talk to her to find out the truth and what was she thinking sleeping with someone much older than her. I don’t believe she just wandered back into his room to shower in the morning. I do believe he told her it wasn’t going to happen again.
At this point, I’m going to enter individual counseling and he said he would do the same. He actually brought up couples counseling before I did. He said he’s going to call me several times a day from work, he’ll let me know if he has to work late and who will be in the office with him, and he’ll let me check his emails and cell phone.
I just want to know how he could jump into bed so easily with her. I don’t get it.
employers only deal with the employee.
I don’t want to out either one of them at work
He woke up, went into the shower and she ended up joining him. He said she heard the shower come on from her room and decided to join him
Please don't contact the OW for answers in this situation. I think it'll backfire on you and make the situation much worse than it already is.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested;
Honestly, I'm getting the suspicion that they've been flirting/messing around/whatever at the office for a while. I'm SOOOO glad the manager's wife told you. What an angel, and so tactfully. I think that is how I would want to let someone know. Give them enough information for the betrayed spouse to get some evidence on their own..
I agree to NOT talk to OW. I think most of us do it at some point, but really, it's so not worth it, and OMG do I regret it. If the OW had absolutely no idea he was married, was completely lied to, and now is really pissed the guy led her on, then maybe you could talk to the OW and get some truthful answers. This is a cold-hearted bitch, and there are so many things she will likely do besides humbly telling you the truth.
And he probably lied to both of you, so she only knows his version of your marriage, and who knows what he told her. She could make you feel naive about your own marriage (yeah, I felt more naive after talking to her) . She probably feels like hot shit having bagged a married man. She could brag and make you feel terrible. She could tell you horrible things to make you pissed at your WH so she can have more time with him and feel justified for what she did. Ignoring her is so the right thing to do here.
And he needs a new job. Like yesterday. They already made some sort of pact to be discrete and keep it a secret, and you need to get them as far away from each other as possible.
He is lying - big time .
I am sorry you are here. Tell him you will talk to his boss if he is not going to tell the full truth. He will try to lie until he can lie no more....
Sending lots of hugs and strength to you.
Why didn't he lock the door between their rooms? It can be locked from either side. So what if she heard the shower, door locked no access!
She told the co-worker and it got around the office because she wanted everyone to know. She wanted you to find out what is going on. Don't contact her, you would only be playing into her game. She is devious and to be avoided. (this by no means absolves your WS of his accountable for his half of this mess).
As for WS, he needs to work his butt off making you feel secure. No rug-sweeping. If you need to ask the same questions over and over and for months, well if that is what you need to heal he needs to answer, without whining or pity for him. Also no holding back saying he is protecting you. NO, he would be protecting himself, and perhaps OW.
According to his new version of events and I’m hoping it’s the real truth
In my opinion, it's not. They got flirty/drunk.."she" kissed him and he said they better go upstairs? He makes it sound like he was trying to put a stop to it but then his subsequent actions don't validate that. And they just happened to have adjoining rooms...coincidence? I'm not getting it.
Gently...this to me smacks of pre-planning and "going upstairs" was all part of it. Don't let your husband try to minimize. It may not matter to you, but I think this was all planned, not some booze fueled one-off tryst. Be diligent - sounds like he was in an A, and may still be in it.
I would love to tell you that you have the entire truth now, but you don't. You have only scratched the surface. I know this from recent experience with Trickle Truth. She couldn't have gotten into his room if the adjoining door was shut from his side. He had to have left it open for her or let her in.
I'm so sorry. They trickle truth thinking it hurts us less. They couldn't be more incorrect.
Huge hugs to you and keep posting and coming here. This place is a life saver. You are correct in not making rash decisions, but make sure you make smart ones. Find out if he used protection. If not, make yourself a doctors appointment. Also, a consult with an attorney isn't a bad idea. You don't have to file, but it's good to get an idea of what you need. Simple truth is you don't know how big this will get once it all comes out.
You'll never find peace if you look to the OW, she won't be able to give you a reason that is acceptable as to why she made advances on your H. It will never make sense, and it will never change anything. The work needs to be done with yourself and your H.
Your H didn't tell you because he thought you wouldn't find out. And I would bet a million dollars that he would have done it again at the next trip if you didn't find out about it beforehand. So whether he said it was a one time thing or not is really moot, it really only matters if he meant it and that you will never really know.
I hope you get tested for STD's very soon, and your H does as well. There are SOOO many things that can be transmitted even if condoms are used, but anything goes if they weren't and it sounds like they weren't. I wouldn't touch that man for 6 months until the 2nd HIV screen comes back negative, and even then he could still be a carrier of HPV which causes cervical cancer in women for years and years after exposure. It also causes throat cancer in men, so he better watch any bumps he gets on his throat or in his mouth from now on.
It was a physical affair that started in June. They’ve been on three work trips together alone (he never mentioned she was going on the other two trips), they would go to sleazy motels during lunch hours, he told me was golfing on Saturday mornings…turned out he was at her place instead. He maintains it was only a physical relationship…he didn’t want to jeopardize our marriage and she didn’t want to ruin things with her fiancé.
It didn’t end when he came “clean”; they were let out for work early on Wednesday and he went to her place. This man had his dick inside her and 20 minutes later was kissing me, asking if he could help with anything for Thanksgiving. What kind of person am I married to?
I’m going to my in-laws this afternoon; don’t know how I’ll find it in me to pretend everything is fine.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
I would refuse to go to the in-laws until he writes an NC letter, you approve the letter, and he mails it in front of you.
There's lots of info on SI about what to include in an NC letter. It says: I don't want to communicate with you in any way ever again. It was important for me to say that their relationship was wrong, that he had told me everything, and that he completely regretted ever meeting her.
Then WH needs to block her numbers, close their secret accounts, get off social media--enforce no contact by all means.
No Contact or no pretend happy family thanksgiving.
You shouldn't have to subject yourself to pretending things are fine unless you really want to..
What kind of woman screws another man and is afraid she will ruin things with her fiancee..Hmmm, sounds like she should be outed to her fiancee, so he can know what kind of trash he is engaged to
Utterly despicable for your WH to have have had sex with her and then a few minutes later he is home kissing you...These WS and their cake eating fantasies are just ridiculous
Sending you strength..
Please remember that you can tell your WH that you would rather stay home or go somewhere else for the afternoon..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:46 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]