He never said anything, or even acted like he was unhappy before the day I found out. I honestly had no clue, and neither did my kids.
Hell, the night I had found about the affair he had just came back from being with her, and when he got home he got into our bed pulled me into his arms and told me he loved me....4 weeks later he asked for a divorce and never looked back. I was just thrown away. 24 years and he was done, and for someone he said he just started talking to 3 months before.
It's been a year now since that night, and other than those four weeks after I found out, and when he was saying he wanted to stay and he loved me...I now know he never stopped seeing her....not once has he said he wants me back...he is just gone.
He wants nothing to do with me, and has very little to do with the kids, he barley sees them. He wasn't like that before. I could maybe understand it more if it wasn't for the way he treats the kids. He was a good dad and they meant the world to him, but ever since he moved in with her, he barley has anything to do with them. He won't even help me with any issues I have regarding them....so I just don't even try anymore. How is she more important than they are to him. That he gives up seeing them and being their dad to be with her.
I just don't understand any of it, and I know I probably never will. And I have read enough on here to know it wasn't my fault, that it not me, but it sure as hell feels like it was me, cause he is still with her, and I don't get what is so special about her. That he would throw everything away just for her, how do you not take that personally, how do you not feel like you must have been an awful person to have to live with.
The woman he is with is a bigger lier than he is, and that's saying something. She is now going through her third divorce thanks to their affair, and she has been engaged more times than that. She told my stbx that she was cheated on by one of her husbands...lie. She told her current husband that she was divorced when they started seeing each other...lie. She continued to stay with her current husband for 4 more months after we had split, then she separated from him, but still kept stringing him along till I finally figured out who he was and told him....and that was 5 months after they had separated! He didnt know about the affair and he didn't even know that she was living with my husband, and had been from the day she moved out, he thought they were still going to be able to work things out. As he told me....she went to great lengths to keep my stbx well hidden from him.
I just don't get what it is about her. I know or have been told that she makes way more money than I do, and we were having financial problems since he hadn't worked for almost a year, but she is older than me, and not anymore attractive than I am....from what pictures I have seen of her on Facebook. I am not perfect by any means but I am honest, loyal, and I have always stood by him....I took care of the finances, the house, the kids, and him, and for everything I have done....I get thrown away without a backwards glance, and am now treated like I never existed.
How do the last 24 years just mean nothing, how do you say I love you one day and then I don't the next, how can I mean nothing, and why can't I just let go like he did. It has been a year since that night, and even though the pain is not as consuming as those first few months....it is still here and I can't get it to go away.
Sorry that was so long, it's just been such a long hard year, and I still can't believe that this has happened, and this is were I am. I know there really are no answers, I just really hate my life some days and this is one of them.
I just wish I could move on as fast as he seems to and it kills me that I can't considering all the shit he has put me through this last year, but mostly, I just wish that I had meant something to him.
You will never understand what he did because you are incapable of such deception and betrayal. Only a broken person can turn his/her back on a loving spouse and children.
Please do not try to make sense out of nonsense. It is indeed crazy making. Try to focus on you and what you will do right now, instead of focusing on him and what he did. I know it is easier said than done!
Lean on us, here in D/S. We have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. This too, shall pass.
[This message edited by FirstLoveGone at 11:45 PM, November 11th (Monday)]
I don't understand how they can throw away real love for a fantasy. We'll never understand because we'll never be that twisted. You'll get through this and be better for it
I don't have any great advice, but just wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I can't believe what your ex is doing to your kids!! So cruel, and only a really broken person turns his back on his kids for a woman he has known for a few months. What a piece of trash he is! Are your kids in IC? Are you in IC? I fear the effects his abandonment will have on you and the kids.
A person who can come back from being with the OW and tell you that he loves you has no soul. I know you know you are better without him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt horribly.
Your dday was 1 year ago yesterday, and triggers commonly happen around antiversaries. It gets better with time.
What are you doing for yourself? Work? Exercise? Hobbies? Friends/Family? Be gentle with yourself.
(((((((Darcy and teenagers))))))
I also know that these next few months are going to be very difficult for me, what with this being the time it started for me last year, the holidays, and that the divorce process has started. Not to mention the financial strain is looking to get worse these next few months also.
Unfortunately none of us are in IC....I just can't afford it. I do worry about my kids and how this is affecting them, even though they seem to be doing okay for the most part.
I don't really have a lot of time for myself and where I live there is not a lot available for joining things....very small town. My kids are in sports so I keep busy with that right now, plus I work 6 days a week, so my one day off is full with catching up on things around the house. I have started exercising in the mornings again though to help pick me up.
Thank you for all the support....it helps a lot. I made it through this last year, and I know I will make it through the next.
I guess something in them breaks.
Sounds like OW will, sooner or later, break him in two. Small consolation though.
Meanwhile, we get to pick up the pieces and do alone what someone once promised to do with you 'tail the end.
Single parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I would not trade a minute of it.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:09 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]
Continue to grieve and heal your loss so that you can rebuild and move forward. I really like what anewday78 posted. You and your kids will have a new amazing normal. Hugs and hang in there. It gets so much better!
anewday78: I am going to change my tag line to your last sentence. Thank you!
You can't understand that kind of insanity unless you are insane too. My guess is that he is the type of idiot that thinks that he is superior to the many, many, many.... many :: other men she has been involved with so she their relationship will be totally different. In other words, he's delusional just like her. Right now they are sharing the same delusion but their "relationship" is obviously as unstable as they are individually.
He is able to lie to himself very well. He can block out all the things that would encourage him to live a better life and hold on to whatever it takes to pretend like he is OK and living the good life.
You'll get through this muck he put you in and *actually* live a good life. You have to be able to grieve and hurt in order to feel joy and happiness. If he can't/won't allow himself to feel pain he also blocked the possibility of joy.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
My heart doesn't pound in my chest anymore, I gained all the infidelity diet weight back, I don't cry everyday or think about it every minute, but it still stings, it still hurts and at times I still feel lost.
I'm sorry I can't help you but I do know what you're feeling.
One day after another.
Oh wait, here is something....Their relationship crashed and burned just after 4 years. Kids tell me he hates her so much that they can't even mention her name.
However, I can tell you, that doesn't make this any better, it makes it even more of a senseless waste. And, no, he will never come crawling back to me. He has way too much pride for that. He is still an asshole and I'd probably spit on him anyway.
I hate how bitter that sounded but unfortunately it is how it is.
know it wasn't my fault, that it not me, but it sure as hell feels like it was me, cause he is still with her, and I don't get what is so special about her. That he would throw everything away just for her, how do you not take that personally, how do you not feel like you must have been an awful person to have to live with.
That's exactly how I feel. I wish I could offer you advice, but as I am trying to work through this myself - I don't have any.
However, I hear you. You are not alone. I feel for you and the current situation that you are in. For me it's only been 7 months - I moved out beginning of April. He was like a light switch - one day giving me a big hug to the next shrugging his shoulders. That's what I got when I confronted him of the A. He wasn't remorseful - I didn't even get a half heart apology. He didn't care that the OW was our "friend". Or the fact that the OW was married to his friend of 15 years. It was fortunate that we didn't have any children. And it pains me to admit that it hurts that he is with her.
I wish you peace. I keep telling myself that 2014 is going to be my year. I really hope it is. And I hope it is for you and your children as well.
He wasn't remorseful - I didn't even get a half heart apology.
That was my XPOS after last D-Day. The D-Day before that when I confronted him he said, "Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do!" What I WANTED to do was illegal! Fast forward to last D-Day, and I threw those words right back at him when I told him we were done and I told him, "I have to do what I have to do, just as you previously told me." And I did, which is why he is now an EX!
Mine poofed as well. 11 years and it only took about 3 weeks of false R for him to walk away and never look back. I just keep getting cancellation notices for things.
Last week a long-time mentor of ours died. All of our mutual friends got in contact with each other to check in, mourn the loss. He was nowhere to be found by anyone. I can't say that I'm shocked by what he does anymore, but it's just freaky that even the death of someone from his past isn't enough to bring him out of hiding.
I think that reading similar stories on SI has helped me let go a lot. I still have bad days and moments, but at least I know that trying to figure it out is pointless. Dude is seriously screwed up. And now it's up to me to make sure I don't get myself involved with someone like that again.