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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How did he do it....
Darcy3
♀ New Member
Member # 39696
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How was he able to just walk away without even looking back. I'm having a hard time tonight. Hell I've been having a hard time all year. I still can't believe this is were I am...that I am getting a divorce.

He never said anything, or even acted like he was unhappy before the day I found out. I honestly had no clue, and neither did my kids.

Hell, the night I had found about the affair he had just came back from being with her, and when he got home he got into our bed pulled me into his arms and told me he loved me....4 weeks later he asked for a divorce and never looked back. I was just thrown away. 24 years and he was done, and for someone he said he just started talking to 3 months before.

It's been a year now since that night, and other than those four weeks after I found out, and when he was saying he wanted to stay and he loved me...I now know he never stopped seeing her....not once has he said he wants me back...he is just gone.

He wants nothing to do with me, and has very little to do with the kids, he barley sees them. He wasn't like that before. I could maybe understand it more if it wasn't for the way he treats the kids. He was a good dad and they meant the world to him, but ever since he moved in with her, he barley has anything to do with them. He won't even help me with any issues I have regarding them....so I just don't even try anymore. How is she more important than they are to him. That he gives up seeing them and being their dad to be with her.

I just don't understand any of it, and I know I probably never will. And I have read enough on here to know it wasn't my fault, that it not me, but it sure as hell feels like it was me, cause he is still with her, and I don't get what is so special about her. That he would throw everything away just for her, how do you not take that personally, how do you not feel like you must have been an awful person to have to live with.

The woman he is with is a bigger lier than he is, and that's saying something. She is now going through her third divorce thanks to their affair, and she has been engaged more times than that. She told my stbx that she was cheated on by one of her husbands...lie. She told her current husband that she was divorced when they started seeing each other...lie. She continued to stay with her current husband for 4 more months after we had split, then she separated from him, but still kept stringing him along till I finally figured out who he was and told him....and that was 5 months after they had separated! He didnt know about the affair and he didn't even know that she was living with my husband, and had been from the day she moved out, he thought they were still going to be able to work things out. As he told me....she went to great lengths to keep my stbx well hidden from him.

I just don't get what it is about her. I know or have been told that she makes way more money than I do, and we were having financial problems since he hadn't worked for almost a year, but she is older than me, and not anymore attractive than I am....from what pictures I have seen of her on Facebook. I am not perfect by any means but I am honest, loyal, and I have always stood by him....I took care of the finances, the house, the kids, and him, and for everything I have done....I get thrown away without a backwards glance, and am now treated like I never existed.

How do the last 24 years just mean nothing, how do you say I love you one day and then I don't the next, how can I mean nothing, and why can't I just let go like he did. It has been a year since that night, and even though the pain is not as consuming as those first few months....it is still here and I can't get it to go away.

Sorry that was so long, it's just been such a long hard year, and I still can't believe that this has happened, and this is were I am. I know there really are no answers, I just really hate my life some days and this is one of them.

I just wish I could move on as fast as he seems to and it kills me that I can't considering all the shit he has put me through this last year, but mostly, I just wish that I had meant something to him.


Me = BS
Him = WS
3 teenagers
Married 24 years
D-Day: Nov. 10, 2012
Divorced

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just about to log off for the night and came upon your post. I couldn't read and not post.

You will never understand what he did because you are incapable of such deception and betrayal. Only a broken person can turn his/her back on a loving spouse and children.

Please do not try to make sense out of nonsense. It is indeed crazy making. Try to focus on you and what you will do right now, instead of focusing on him and what he did. I know it is easier said than done!

Lean on us, here in D/S. We have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.

I am sorry you are hurting right now. This too, shall pass.

[This message edited by FirstLoveGone at 11:45 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 1274 | Registered: Oct 2009
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Darcy)))

I don't understand how they can throw away real love for a fantasy. We'll never understand because we'll never be that twisted. You'll get through this and be better for it


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Darcy, huge hugs to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I don't have any great advice, but just wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I can't believe what your ex is doing to your kids!! So cruel, and only a really broken person turns his back on his kids for a woman he has known for a few months. What a piece of trash he is! Are your kids in IC? Are you in IC? I fear the effects his abandonment will have on you and the kids.

A person who can come back from being with the OW and tell you that he loves you has no soul. I know you know you are better without him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt horribly.

Your dday was 1 year ago yesterday, and triggers commonly happen around antiversaries. It gets better with time.

What are you doing for yourself? Work? Exercise? Hobbies? Friends/Family? Be gentle with yourself.

(((((((Darcy and teenagers))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Darcy3
♀ New Member
Member # 39696
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a lot of what I'm feeling tonight is because my DDay was one year ago yesterday, and because I saw him Saturday at a function for my DD that he actually showed up to....and for her I was very glad he did, but I hadn't seen him for 5 months and I have now seen him 3 times in the last month and it's hard.

I also know that these next few months are going to be very difficult for me, what with this being the time it started for me last year, the holidays, and that the divorce process has started. Not to mention the financial strain is looking to get worse these next few months also.

Unfortunately none of us are in IC....I just can't afford it. I do worry about my kids and how this is affecting them, even though they seem to be doing okay for the most part.

I don't really have a lot of time for myself and where I live there is not a lot available for joining things....very small town. My kids are in sports so I keep busy with that right now, plus I work 6 days a week, so my one day off is full with catching up on things around the house. I have started exercising in the mornings again though to help pick me up.

Thank you for all the support....it helps a lot. I made it through this last year, and I know I will make it through the next.


Me = BS
Him = WS
3 teenagers
Married 24 years
D-Day: Nov. 10, 2012
Divorced

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW did the same.

I guess something in them breaks.

Sounds like OW will, sooner or later, break him in two. Small consolation though.

Meanwhile, we get to pick up the pieces and do alone what someone once promised to do with you 'tail the end.

Single parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I would not trade a minute of it.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We will never understand how they could do what they did. Our brains just don't work that way. Hopefully he will one day wake up and realize what he lost. All you can do now is go on with your life and try your best to become indifferent to that POS. It takes time and effort to not make yourself dewell on what was, but what is yet to come. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Darcy, history has a way of repeating itself and the situation your stbxh has gotten himself into is no exception to that rule. She's going to chew him up and spit him out - it's just a matter of time. What will he have when that day inevitably arrives? The answer is NOTHING. Not even his kids. Sooner or later you and the kids will accept the situation and move on with your lives, settling into new, comfortable routines. Sure you'll think about him from time to time, but he and the memory of him will become less and less of a factor in your lives. So when the OW cheats on him as she's done with her last three husbands and countless other fiances, your husband will find himself on the receiving end of the pain that comes with abandonment; however, unlike you he'll have nobody to lend a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. He'll look back on his poor choices and realize just how stupid he was. I hope it will be too late for him. I hope that when he shows up on your doorstep (trust me, he WILL be showing up on your door step one of these days) that you have the good sense to shut the door in his face.
Look to the future with hope, Darcy. You have survived the absolute worst of this for the past year and you will continue to survive this as you realize that he hasn't ruined YOUR life or the lives of your kids - he's ruined HIS OWN life.
(((Darcy))))

[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:09 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine did the same.He was talking to the ow for 3 months.He left and didnt look back.Treated me like I was his worst enemey.Its been one year,the hardest damn year of my life.But me and dd7 are fine..we have our new routines and started new holiday traditions last year.Its our new normal.My ex on the other hand isnt fine.The fantasy isnt working out like they thought it would.She doesnt want much to do with my dd (which is fine with me)and her shine has apparently worn off.He has been crying to come home.A little too late...I will not put myself or dd through that again..ever.Stay strong! You will be fine...trust me..you will.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Darcy3))))) I also have a stbx that walked out without looking back and two teenagers. He never wanted custody ~ just wanted to take them out to dinner 3x a week. That didn't' last. The kids have no contact with him (their choice) and he doesn't make an effort to rebuild. His loss. It's shocking how we could have been with someone for over 20 years and then do this.

Continue to grieve and heal your loss so that you can rebuild and move forward. I really like what anewday78 posted. You and your kids will have a new amazing normal. Hugs and hang in there. It gets so much better!

anewday78: I am going to change my tag line to your last sentence. Thank you!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Oct 2012
gardens64
♀ Member
Member # 38449
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, it's interesting, I feel the same way but with a twist. My WH has been doing his darndest to cake-eat. He honestly seemed to think that having an A was not a problem if I didn't find out. He's making it my fault that I want to D (while still contacting OW after I filed). Somehow that makes him the good guy if he makes token efforts of trying. The compartmentalization is incredible. That he thinks that is OK for me is mind-blowing. Who is this person? I thought we had such a deep connection but I'm feeling like I was something to be used, like I wasn't really a person to him ever...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2013
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't make sense to you because it just doesn't make sense. My ex also went from live-in-daddy to almost totally uninvolved like it was nothing. And there isn't even because of an OW, it's just him.

You can't understand that kind of insanity unless you are insane too. My guess is that he is the type of idiot that thinks that he is superior to the many, many, many.... many :: other men she has been involved with so she their relationship will be totally different. In other words, he's delusional just like her. Right now they are sharing the same delusion but their "relationship" is obviously as unstable as they are individually.

He is able to lie to himself very well. He can block out all the things that would encourage him to live a better life and hold on to whatever it takes to pretend like he is OK and living the good life.

You'll get through this muck he put you in and *actually* live a good life. You have to be able to grieve and hurt in order to feel joy and happiness. If he can't/won't allow himself to feel pain he also blocked the possibility of joy.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have nothing more to say , other than I am sorry and I also have these days still. I wish I had the answer but I do not think we will ever get it. what works for me is diving into the pain instead of avoiding it. the intensity is less and less each time. Try it , it might work all the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Darcy)))
Like everyone else, same story for me. One month earlier, I was told by the X that "I love you; we make a great team, don't we".
Don't even try to figure it out---he's broken, and always will be. I'm post divorce, and happy, for the first time in a year. You will get there too, just be patient. Expect the ups and downs, but you will get there!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XPOS utilized the poof method. On the morning of March 28, 2013 we were an intact family (dysfunctional, but intact). We were texting about what to do for dinner that night as I sat in wait for him to leave OW's house. He left, I busted him in the driveway, and poof, he was gone never to be seen again. Almost 30 years together, gone. He sent a handful of texts to DD17 (then 16), but once he figured out she wasn't going to respond he stopped that as well. He left the state, taking twatbox and their demon spawn, and he is now playing happy family in another state, like his old family never existed. He seems to have moved on, but I know he has monumental problems. However, I don't waste time dwelling on it. He is sick, selfish, and utterly delusional, and I have stopped trying to figure out how he could do what he did. The fact remains, he did it, and that is not going to change or the hurt and damage he caused. He has no relationship with any of his kids (including two others from other relationships) except his year old demon spawn who simply doesn't know any better at the moment. All his older children know what he is, and want nothing to do with him. His loss!! And if it hadn't been this particular twatbox, it would have been someone else. He is apparently no too particular...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1181 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Opened up SI to post and first post I see is yours.
I debated answering but feel compelled because your story is my story except I am 7 years out next month and while my life is so very different my confusion still remains.
I don't think it has gotten any easier for me. I'm still hurting, certainly not for him, but for what he has done to me and my family.
It seems like I will go through the rest of my life asking myself "how could he?" "why did he?".

My heart doesn't pound in my chest anymore, I gained all the infidelity diet weight back, I don't cry everyday or think about it every minute, but it still stings, it still hurts and at times I still feel lost.

I'm sorry I can't help you but I do know what you're feeling.
One day after another.

Oh wait, here is something....Their relationship crashed and burned just after 4 years. Kids tell me he hates her so much that they can't even mention her name.
However, I can tell you, that doesn't make this any better, it makes it even more of a senseless waste. And, no, he will never come crawling back to me. He has way too much pride for that. He is still an asshole and I'd probably spit on him anyway.

I hate how bitter that sounded but unfortunately it is how it is.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this bewildered feeling as well, I understand it completely and I don't know how to make sense of it either. I really think something just broke, or in my STBXHs case, he couldn't keep "it" up anymore. "It" relates to a facade, or maybe how he wanted to view himself or maybe more aptly, how he knows I viewed him, in such a positive way. Really the minute I couldn't pay 100% attention to him, "it" slipped away and this is what was left. I don't think my STBX is terrible, but I do think he's a very messed up person. It's still astounding to me nearly 2 yrs later. I find it easier not to try to make sense of it.
Wishing you peace.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
PedNurse
♀ New Member
Member # 41123
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

know it wasn't my fault, that it not me, but it sure as hell feels like it was me, cause he is still with her, and I don't get what is so special about her. That he would throw everything away just for her, how do you not take that personally, how do you not feel like you must have been an awful person to have to live with.

That's exactly how I feel. I wish I could offer you advice, but as I am trying to work through this myself - I don't have any.

However, I hear you. You are not alone. I feel for you and the current situation that you are in. For me it's only been 7 months - I moved out beginning of April. He was like a light switch - one day giving me a big hug to the next shrugging his shoulders. That's what I got when I confronted him of the A. He wasn't remorseful - I didn't even get a half heart apology. He didn't care that the OW was our "friend". Or the fact that the OW was married to his friend of 15 years. It was fortunate that we didn't have any children. And it pains me to admit that it hurts that he is with her.

I wish you peace. I keep telling myself that 2014 is going to be my year. I really hope it is. And I hope it is for you and your children as well.


I lost my love, best friend, home, and a future all in a matter of weeks.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wasn't remorseful - I didn't even get a half heart apology.

That was my XPOS after last D-Day. The D-Day before that when I confronted him he said, "Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do!" What I WANTED to do was illegal! Fast forward to last D-Day, and I threw those words right back at him when I told him we were done and I told him, "I have to do what I have to do, just as you previously told me." And I did, which is why he is now an EX!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1181 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hugs))

Mine poofed as well. 11 years and it only took about 3 weeks of false R for him to walk away and never look back. I just keep getting cancellation notices for things.

Last week a long-time mentor of ours died. All of our mutual friends got in contact with each other to check in, mourn the loss. He was nowhere to be found by anyone. I can't say that I'm shocked by what he does anymore, but it's just freaky that even the death of someone from his past isn't enough to bring him out of hiding.

I think that reading similar stories on SI has helped me let go a lot. I still have bad days and moments, but at least I know that trying to figure it out is pointless. Dude is seriously screwed up. And now it's up to me to make sure I don't get myself involved with someone like that again.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 25
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