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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How did he do it....
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, X is a poofer here, too. He came back and pretended false R and then off he went.

What I saw of his actions is that I think he was "psyching" himself up for a long time to do what he did. The first time he snuck out, he came back hours later and had a panic attack...that I helped him through with my skills. I thought it was mid life crisis-it was OW.

Time went on and he made fights happen and then he disappeared again. I think in that time he was gearing himself up for it, almost practicing, if you will. Hardening his heart and shutting off his mind in anticipation of the final day.

It was devastating to see him step out the door he built and slam it in my face. Proudly I stood as a statue with no expression and saw the cold, hard eyes turn empty.

The final words: "I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight." All I said back was "I do."

I'm sorry for your pain, but know that so many do it. So many of us face this and are also trying to sort it out.

I try to remind myself that as I go on this journey, X was going on a journey as well, only did not tell anyone and hid all of his problems away. It sounds like maybe yours did too and I'm sorry for it.

That's exactly how X acted here.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same story here. I read a book called Runaway Husbands that was really helpful. It really explained the sense of abandonment that goes along with these men that poof out of nowhere. It helped make sine sense of his actions and what sort of f'd up stuff was going through his head. It was the only book I've read that I felt really "got" my situation. I highly recommend it.

BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 924 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your story sounds so much like my story. My STBXH was texting me how much he loved and missed me until all of a sudden he changed. And then Poof, after 15 years he threw it all away. For someone he met in a bar and only knew for a few weeks. She did the same thing to her family. Sadly they have both more or less abandoned their families. They are shacked up in OUR family home, while DS and I live with my parents. It is sad that they could so easily throw everything away. I don't understand it either and I know I never will.

me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry. I understand how you feel. It is so confusing to those of us that aren't capable of it. My IC says I will never get it, and he will never get it, never say sorry. I am not like that, my brain is not like that- these people are broken. There are no answers that will ever make sense.

My situation is similar. I had no idea my STBX was unhappy and no idea he was having a LTA. Then, he dropped the bomb on me and confessed. I was shocked, had no idea. He too would be with OW and then come home and play great husband and dad, flinging 'I love you' around. He was/is having A with a known swinger, pot head, xtasy using, overly litigious, plasticky, 2x divorced, narcissitic skank that he met on Ashley Madison. NICE! Yes, as they say....they do always trade down...

When we have talked since DDay, he is like a robot that is in a cult, but the robot brain they gave him is only a 13 year old boy brain. He is not who he was. It is like the twilight zone. He says things that sound so crazy, but believes himself. He absolutely 100% does not get it. Does not get what he did, why he did it, nothing. Like talking to a wall, so I stopped talking to him and stopped trying to understand why and how. Because he is F**ked up, broken, ruined, unworthy.

Through IC, I have gotten good information and feedback. They can shut it all down. They can justify it in their own minds while they are doing it without thinking they are hurting anyone. Like an addict, they will do whatever they need to do to get the sex,drugs, ow, excitement, whatever. It is self medicating their own pain. Then they put up walls to protect themselves from the guilt. If you run away, you can try and pretend and forget.

I know it is all going to come crashing down. It is going to be ugly. I might even feel bad for him. Or not.

Cowards run away. Mine was a coward. It was easier to run away at the point he told me how far deep in the rabbit hole he was. He couldn't handle it. The whole thing was like something a high school boyfriend would try and pull off. Not well thought out, naive, overly simple. He is trainwreck waiting to happen. He is just a scared, pathetic 13 year old boy who is clueless.

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Really the minute I couldn't pay 100% attention to him, "it" slipped away and this is what was left.

^^^^^^^^^ This! ^^^^^^^^^


XH was planning our vow renewal (in another country), 2 weeks later tells me he wants a D. No wonder this shit doesn't make any sense. It can't to a person who isn't insane. Or: it's like talking to a Panda in Greek.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 25
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