What I saw of his actions is that I think he was "psyching" himself up for a long time to do what he did. The first time he snuck out, he came back hours later and had a panic attack...that I helped him through with my skills. I thought it was mid life crisis-it was OW.

Time went on and he made fights happen and then he disappeared again. I think in that time he was gearing himself up for it, almost practicing, if you will. Hardening his heart and shutting off his mind in anticipation of the final day.

It was devastating to see him step out the door he built and slam it in my face. Proudly I stood as a statue with no expression and saw the cold, hard eyes turn empty.

The final words: "I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight." All I said back was "I do."

I'm sorry for your pain, but know that so many do it. So many of us face this and are also trying to sort it out.

I try to remind myself that as I go on this journey, X was going on a journey as well, only did not tell anyone and hid all of his problems away. It sounds like maybe yours did too and I'm sorry for it.

That's exactly how X acted here.

Your story sounds so much like my story. My STBXH was texting me how much he loved and missed me until all of a sudden he changed. And then Poof, after 15 years he threw it all away. For someone he met in a bar and only knew for a few weeks. She did the same thing to her family. Sadly they have both more or less abandoned their families. They are shacked up in OUR family home, while DS and I live with my parents. It is sad that they could so easily throw everything away. I don't understand it either and I know I never will.

My situation is similar. I had no idea my STBX was unhappy and no idea he was having a LTA. Then, he dropped the bomb on me and confessed. I was shocked, had no idea. He too would be with OW and then come home and play great husband and dad, flinging 'I love you' around. He was/is having A with a known swinger, pot head, xtasy using, overly litigious, plasticky, 2x divorced, narcissitic skank that he met on Ashley Madison. NICE! Yes, as they say....they do always trade down...

When we have talked since DDay, he is like a robot that is in a cult, but the robot brain they gave him is only a 13 year old boy brain. He is not who he was. It is like the twilight zone. He says things that sound so crazy, but believes himself. He absolutely 100% does not get it. Does not get what he did, why he did it, nothing. Like talking to a wall, so I stopped talking to him and stopped trying to understand why and how. Because he is F**ked up, broken, ruined, unworthy.

Through IC, I have gotten good information and feedback. They can shut it all down. They can justify it in their own minds while they are doing it without thinking they are hurting anyone. Like an addict, they will do whatever they need to do to get the sex,drugs, ow, excitement, whatever. It is self medicating their own pain. Then they put up walls to protect themselves from the guilt. If you run away, you can try and pretend and forget.

I know it is all going to come crashing down. It is going to be ugly. I might even feel bad for him. Or not.

Cowards run away. Mine was a coward. It was easier to run away at the point he told me how far deep in the rabbit hole he was. He couldn't handle it. The whole thing was like something a high school boyfriend would try and pull off. Not well thought out, naive, overly simple. He is trainwreck waiting to happen. He is just a scared, pathetic 13 year old boy who is clueless.

Really the minute I couldn't pay 100% attention to him, "it" slipped away and this is what was left.

^^^^^^^^^ This! ^^^^^^^^^

/TJ

XH was planning our vow renewal (in another country), 2 weeks later tells me he wants a D. No wonder this shit doesn't make any sense. It can't to a person who isn't insane. Or: it's like talking to a Panda in Greek.