I'm 19 years old. I've been married for 2 years. Getting married at 16-17 was not uncommon in my family or their religion. A lot of people think I did it because I was itching to get out of the house, but I can honestly say I loved and do love my DH. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my life than with him.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I started really actively participating in our church. I was devoting 70hr a month to volunteer work. My husband has had the same job since before we got married. He leaves at 5 and doesn't get home till around 4. This leaves him pretty tired when he gets home. Aside from dinner and maybe an hour or two of TV in the evening, he slept the rest of the time.
I have a step-sister who is only 4 months younger than me, so when she turned 18 just a few months after me, we started going out together. We'd go out on Friday or Saturday nights. Play pool, go dancing, go bowling. I think that was the start of my problem. All I really wanted to do was be 18. Although my husband is only 3 years older than me, he's always been a bit of an old soul. He doesn't like to go out and party. He's not a huge fan of going out on the weekends to dance or anything like that.
I saw how much fun my sister was having with her friends and I couldn't help but be jealous. My husband and I had been having a few problems.. None I would consider severe or divorce-worthy by any means. I think it was just normal learning how to live with each other things. I would get irritated by the way he did things or that he didn't help out enough.
I honestly don't remember what prompted it, but I signed up for a website called Fetlife. It's like Facebook for the BDSM/fetish community. My husband and I don't have that kind of relationship, but I had always been curious about it.
Within weeks of signing up for it I agreed to go meet someone. We were just going to hang out for a bit, he said he didn't have many friends and neither did I. I honestly never thought that I was going to cheat on my husband.
When I cheated, I felt like I was on drugs. That was the only way to describe it. Most of the time I had no idea what I was doing. I feel like everything was just so impulsive all the time. I would go to the man's house, and the whole time I was there I would feel terrible about what I was doing to my husband.
As soon as I cheated I told my husband and although he was heartbroken he was willing to forgive me. But somehow I concocted this scenario in my head that my husband and I's marriage was failing. He wasn't paying enough attention to me. I wasn't happy and I couldn't be happy with him. I know that all of it was a lie, but that's how I was feeling. It was like I was totally apathetic and insensitive to his feelings.
Shortly after the affair ended with him I started speaking to someone else. All of these people were involved in the "BDSM Community". Though, most were abusive assholes. I had a one time 'session' with someone who beat me till I was bruised and then told me he didn't want to speak to me anymore because he needed to put his children first.
I then started seeing someone who was married and I knew it. He had kids, but he had done this before. I started working for him as well and would travel with him for work. This boss got me started smoking weed again and I also started taking pills to try to drown out all the pain I was in.
After that I met someone who lived about 45 minutes away from me. He was by far the worst. I remember I was absolutely terrified of him and I have no idea why I kept going back. I remember one time he bruised me so badly that I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. None of it seemed to matter though. I guess I felt like it was what I needed or what I deserved. Maybe it was my way of punishing myself for even cheating on my husband in the first place.
I had almost had a one night stand with someone, but we stopped in the middle and I left because neither of us were that attracted to each other. I also had a one night stand on my 19th birthday.
Fast forward a few months and my husband and I are doing fantastic. Better than we've ever been. He knew about 2 of the people, but I didn't have the heart to tell him about the others. Maybe it was because I was ashamed.. Or because I was selfish and was terrified he would leave me.
I'm not trying to justify what I did, I'm just trying to understand. I honestly do not understand why I did what I did or what I was thinking. All of the men that I was with were over 30 while my husband is only 22. When I was 14-15 I slept with 5 guys in just 6 months time. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me.
This is the thing.. I don't even really like sex. I just really don't understand.
And now I'm pregnant. It was a surprise. My husband is extremely excited and sometimes I am. It has nothing to do with him or the baby. I just don't think that I deserve the baby or my husband. He does so much for me and I hurt him so much.
Today is our two year anniversary and my OBGYN called to tell me that I have Chlamydia and need to take an antibiotic. I've been crying every night since I found out I was pregnant because now I feel like I've trapped my husband and if he knew the extent of what I did he would hate me and never want to be with me again.
I'm going to have to tell my husband when he gets home from work what the doctor said and that he needs to go to the doctor as well to get tested and/or medication.
I just feel like my life is such a mess.
Sorry for such a long rant. I honestly have no where to go and no one to talk to. A lot of people have said that we are young and could manage to get divorced and it wouldn't matter. As stupid as this sounds I do have a lot of respect for marriage and I don't want to get divorced. I love my husband.
Together for 4 years.
Married for 2.
DDay December 2012.
Emotionally separated and contemplated divorce till March 2013.
Reconciled and recovering.
We've never been happier.
Getting married at 16-17 was not uncommon in my family or their religion.
Shortly after my 18th birthday I started really actively participating in our church. I was devoting 70hr a month to volunteer work.
A lot of people think I did it because I was itching to get out of the house, but I can honestly say I loved and do love my DH.
Look, I'm going to cut straight to the chase. Why do you hate yourself so much? Why do you allow other people to abuse you? Beating you to a pulp? Putting yourself in highly dangerous situations? Really? Don't get me wrong, I understand the fascination with the BDSM thing, but your actions were very reckless.
How was your relationship with your father?
A lot of people have said that we are young and could manage to get divorced and it wouldn't matter.
I was actually raised primarily by my grandparents. My dad was diagnosed with brain tumors when I was about 7. Because of this my mom worked full time, but my dad couldn't really take care of us. He slept most of the time, so even when my parents were still together we always lived with my dad's parents. My parents got divorced when I was 12.
My relationship with my dad is very complicated.
He treated me terribly almost all my life.
I ran away when I was 14 with a man that was twice my age. He told me he loved me, blah blah blah. I was young and naive. He ended up raping me. For several weeks my dad only referred to me as 'the whore that fucks 28 year olds'.
Just a few months before getting married my dad confessed to me that he had a sex addiction and that part of the reason I may have had so many problems with sexual things when I was younger was because I got it from him.
I had seen lots of therapists when I was a kid but my dad was too embarrassed to tell them that he had a problem.
Honestly, I don't feel like I have any problems though. Maybe I'm in denial about the whole thing and I'm secretly angry.
At times I feel that I do have a right to be angry, but then I remember that he's sick and his tumors make him act weird. So I just chalk it up to that and try to move on.
My relationship with my whole family is a bit weird, when I think about it. Even with my grandparents.. There was always an unspoken competition between my grandparents and my parents.
And this doesn't even touch on the religious element of the whole thing. Because my mother cheated on my father and my father cheated on my mother, they were both disfellowshipped from the religion. And because I was living with my grandparents and my grandparents had custody, I really wasn't allowed to speak to either of my parents.
How do you plan on telling your H about all your other affairs?
It's good to have you with us
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Honestly, I don't feel like I have any problems though. Maybe I'm in denial about the whole thing and I'm secretly angry.
You'r bright and high-functioning, considering the shit you've been through. My sense is that you're saying you don't feel like you have any problems because you get through everyday life just fine. But you're not fine. You need to kick your addiction to dangerous sex, before it destroys your young family.
There's a book you need to read,
The Sexual Healing Journey
When I cheated, I felt like I was on drugs.
You were on drugs. Literally. People Iike us who are damaged get a rush of brain chemicals from illicit sex. It's just as if someone stuck a hypodermic needle into your vein. When was your last hit? How often do you think about it? Do you notice when you're feeling sad or low, that your craving for the drug is almost overwhelming?
So I guess it's the classic example of making something so taboo makes you desire it more. The BDSM is probably an extent of it.
It's a good thing that you told your H about everything. Are you doing everything to make amends? Are you deleting all your profiles on those sites?
Another thing I want to mention: don't be afraid of your sexual desires. If BDSM is something you want, then it should be known. It sounds like your H didn't know about it, so he probably feels he can't please you so you go to these websites. Once/if he's comfortable with sex with you again, I'd bring it up.
Something alarming to think of though....are you 100% sure that's his baby? A DNA test might be in order.
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
perhaps your origins has something to do with what sex you're interested in. Given that JW and most religions aren't sex-positive, it could have very well had a hand in forming your view on sex. Sex is dirty. It's sinful to have desires..
I'll never forget. About a month before my wedding, (I'm 18 at this point) Mother was like, "I want to get you a book that answers all your questions and gives you ideas and such." Too late, I already got one. Her reaction was Then she asked to see it to make sure there wasn't anything "bad" in it.
Sex is a big no-no but then when the "I do" is said, suddenly it's ok to have sex, within reason of course. You talk about fear. Uncertainty. And a warped sense of intimacy. Are we really supposed to have sex with our spouse and enjoy it? Is it a sin to enjoy it? What actions are "off limits"? What if we have questions? You don't talk about "those things" so aside from a doctor, who do you speak to? And heaven forbid you have to talk to your spouse about it. We never talked about sex. We were winging it and muddled thru. And honestly, it's still hard for me to open up sometimes. I hate that. I hate feeling guilty for communicating about such a special, intimate act with my husband.
Hysterical Bonding was the best thing that ever happened in our lives. We were both in a state of desperation and we laid it all out on the table.
I told my husband the very first time that I slept with someone else and after that he was aware that I was having affairs, he just didn't know the extent or how many. I haven't had an A since March. I'm only 3 months pregnant so the baby is definitely his.
As soon as I ended the last affair I deleted all profiles and our relationship has been very transparent. We use each others' facebooks, emails, phones. He never checks my things, we're just open with each other.
Aubrie, it's soooo funny that you say that because just the other day I was wondering why I am the one that doesn't want to have sex. It has nothing to do with holding back. I'm not irritated with him. And in a perfect world I would LIKE to have sex with him. I just find it to be so totally awkward. And then it's awkward after we're finished.
I know he doesn't feel that way and it's totally just my perception of things. I've always been like that with him. We're sexually compatible. I guess it's just because of the religion, I worry that I'll be judged if I say that I do or don't like something. If that makes any sense. And then I'm always afraid that I'll enjoy it too much, and that will make things even worse.
In my head, anyway.
For the longest time, I was really awkward with my boyfriend. But then after confessing everything, sex is enjoyable again. I still have guilt and shame over it, but it's getting better.
You have desires, just like everyone else. And it's okay to have those desires. How you go about to obtain it though is what you should be judged on.
Have you wrote a timeline of every single A? This can help avoid trickle truthing later for his sake.
And yes, we've worked out a timeline.